Why under 20's are cannon fodder.

Me!bourne is a pretty rude place.

I don't know why it is, but it is.

I've lived on a few spots on the map, and compared to the usual 'big city indifference' that can be found in most populations over 1 million, Me!bourne is just plain rude (but not as rude as Sydney).

And by rude, I mean 'full-on, in your face, rude'.

And a lot of it, is the kids.

Who died and made them the self proclaimed Gods of popular culture?

If I had a dollar for every time some punk kid has sniggered or blatantly pointed out some supposed/imagined defect in my X-Factor, I would have 36 bazillion-thousand dollars.

But they seem to have missed the point.

The point is, they are just stupid, greedy soft-headed little consumers, who don't even earn the money they're spending, on items grown-ups in marketing have convinced them are absolutely necessary.

In essence, kids who think they know it all and are the height of radness, are running around and generally bending over backwards to do what a bunch of middle aged Porsche driving ad execs are telling them.

And that's cool how?

But here's my favourite part:

While they think they are the creative geniuses of all-time, and that they hold the keys to cool. the reality is I did it first.

"Do you like my bellybutton ring?"

Wow. I'm so impressed. I'm so impressed that you went to a shop, got an anaesthetic, and pissed all over the original concept of piercing as a right of passage.

I'm especially impressed, because back in the early 90's (when you were 5), me, Lex, and Shylo were in a hot and humid mezzanine level in downtown Auckland, sweating over drillpresses and grinders, working out how best to transform a piece of 316L marine grade stainless steel welding rod (minus flux), into a ball capture ring.

Why would we do that?

Because they didn't exist yet. It was through the trial and error of people like us all over the world, that you have that jewellry, let alone the culture you've bastardised and stolen, without the slightest nod to its creators.

Back before there was such a thing as a piercing studio, we were spending every cent we had on buying medical supplies to find a way to change piercing from something you do with a bamboo skewer, to something hygenic and safe.

And when we walked down the street, with the first labrets, earls, and yes, prince alberts, in the Southern Hemisphere, we were called freaks and spat upon.

We were total outcasts, because the world in all its wisdom, found us to be an abomination, for embracing a tribal system that rejected being dictated to by advertising.

We were, are, and always will be, a family.

And every punk kid that gets a lip piercing like Tom Delonge from Blink 182 to piss off his Dad, will never be a part of that.

Every prissy little bitch who would die before sitting next to me on a tram should recognise that that pretty little PVC glow-in-the-dark barbell she has in her navel was created by Shylo in 94, and made by me.

Quelle horreur!

Tattoos.

Oh god, don't get me started.

While it's true I am not responsible in any way for inventing contemporary tattooing, I am clearly qualified to speak on behalf of those who did.

And I only have one point to make.

Wake up, cunts.

Back in the day, the only people with ink were criminals, or sailors.

That was a long time ago.

Now, we have internet porn, and taser guns.

When you walk down Bourke Street on a Thursday night, you will see an ample abundance of young kids on their way to Goo, inked up like it's finger painting day at kindy.

And to be honest, a lot of their shit is tight.

But the looks of disdain I get from them are unbelievable. It's the same vibe as popular magazines put out, when they say cleavage is out (WTF?), and that tribal tattoos are embarassing.

Really?

Not to me! Wanna know why? Because I had mine done by tribesmen in New Zealand and Indonesia!

If you're into emo/hardcore, only old-skool tatts are acceptable.
You know, banners, and swallows, and Vargas style pinups.

Wow, you guys are so rebellious and carefree, with your rules!

Well, here is the real rule, the one rule, and the only rule:

If you love it, and you have earned it, wear it with pride, and it will be beautiful.

I don't care if it's a picture of Pee Wee Herman, or Iron Maidens logo.

If you love it and you live it, represent it, and it will totally own.

Which brings me to:

Baggy jeans.

Back in 87, I weighed 6 stone.

That's nuthin'!

I was so incredibly skinny and bony, and I was embarassed.
So I asked my Mom to sew two jeans together, to hide my chicken legs.

She said "You'll like like a clown, but OK. If that's what you want".

My skateboarding friends soon learned that it was way more comfortable, and a lot less sweaty, if they did it too.

Oh, whaddyaknow? Next thing you know, it's cool!

Straight leg baggy jeans (worn low) come and go as a trend, and it's infuriating, because now it's impossible to find a decent pair of them anywhere in Australia, especially as nu skool skaters decided they were down with the tapered leg stylee.

Now I get hassled for still wearing them, when my friends are all wearing tight jeans like my Dad did in 71.

Well fuck you all. We all know they'll come back into vogue, and while you assclowns are scampering around, trying to get back on the straight leg bandwagon, I would have been there all along.

Really, who's cooler in that picture?

Wallet chains.

Pakuranga College, South Auckland (reprazent), 1983.

Suddenly, I had a key.

A locker key.

$6 every time I lost it.

Hardware store.

Lightweight chain.

Problem solved.

But you know how young boys are. Soon enough, not only was everyone doing it, but we were having competitions to see how long you could get them.

And then pimping them out with the gold chain, and every clip on attachment you could find.

Good times.

I invented it.

So, you get the picture...if it's cool, you can thank me for it.
And if you're under 20, and think you're amazing and fresh because you've appropriated these ways into your own style lexicon, you're not a playa, you're a wannabe.

Now shut your mouth and go back to your Moms house for nap time.

I know it's all very well and good, me dishing out abuse like this, but I really should round this off on an informative note.

So here is my list of things that will become cool in the future.

Git orn it now, and avoid the rush later.

1. Full face downhill mountain biking helmets to replace the stackhat.
Believe me, stackhats are fucking ugly, and no-one looks good in one.
Most importantly though, they don't work.
Get a proper $300 helmet, and be safe safe safe.
Safe is the new cool, or it will be.

2. Politeness.
I know it's hard to believe, but this is gonna have a madd resurgence.
There are already small groups on the internet devoted to bringing politeness and general good behaviour kicking and screaming into the new millenium.
I know this, because one of the first 'The Myspace Good Guys Group' is mine.

3. Sobering up.
I can hear you laughing from here, but in time you will see a paradigm shift from the current (and traditional) Aussie "She'll be right, mate" attitude toward drinking, to a much more balanced, relaxed and responsible model.
People will start to favour savouring the flavour (so that means no tequila), enjoying responsible social drinking in the same way one would enjoy a 5 course meal. Drunkenness will be frowned upon greatly, and not tolerated.

4. Zen is the word.
Sure, it's been around for ever, but believe me when I say that Zen is on the fast track to superstardom.
You can Feng Shui yourself stupid for now, but in the future, it will be cool to have contemplative time painting or playing music, in the same way it's cool now to say "Can't- I'm going to the Gym".

5. Staying in.
As society embraces a more refined and thoughtful way of existence, there will always be those chosen few who don't get the point, and continue on in the old ways. Even if it's 10%, that's still hundreds of thousands of people.
So the stylemasters of tomorrow will look to a new mode of entertainment, and that will be staying in, and having the better parts of the world sent to you.
ISDN live hookups to Theatre, concerts, and sport, all from the comfort of your Andreas Storijko sofa.
Sounds improbable, as we're so used to one kind of ambience right now, but trust me, being a shut-in is the way of the future, and this goes double for dating.

6. Future dates...
...will be videoconferenced MSN conversations in real time.
Pick your date on Myspace or Friendster, send them a date request, and see if they show up.
If it works, great. If it doesn't, just try again.
And the best part is, you can keep your real name and details private until you feel comfortable. All they need know is what they see/hear.
If you get rejected, there is no-one there to see it, and no need for embarasment.
Nerds will ask out porn stars like there is no tomorrow.

There you go kids, thank me later.



This is knifey, from 'the internet'.