Saturday, August 08, 2015

Are you a retard? The answer may surprise you.

This will probably come off mad Tumblr-y.

I don't know if it's the world, or just my interpretation of it, but it feels like almost every time I encounter another human lately, the exchange is so dementing and fucked up it leaves me desperate to just read a book alone or something.

Do you feel like that?

I deleted my Twitter, which probably won't seem like a big deal, but to me it was a big deal. It was where I went to leave my thoughts, and this blog suffered as a result (from lack of content, not from any measure of genius or anything.) I'm not trying to say there was anything worth your time on there, but it felt good to have a place to post my thoughts. Until it didn't. So after many years and tens of thousands of posts, it's gone.

It got to the point where it felt like no one was seeing it except for me. And that's ok, I'm not sad about that. But there didn't seem like any point maintaining it if it was just for me. My thoughts are in me- I don't need an app for that.

On eBay I keep having people buy all the stuff I'm selling (I'm into minimalism now), but not paying for any of it. It's a thing. Now that there are no real penalties for buying things and never paying or answering emails, a class of scummy people out there have sort of invaded the site and maybe that's their way of trolling. How bored would you have to be though? It's frustrating, it makes me hate them quite passionately. 

Or there are other people who buy items but consistently dick me around on when they will pick them up. Are they trolling too? Do they love the thought of another human being waiting outside their apartment block in the cold for 45 minutes? Do they love not showing up at all? They sure love leaving negative feedback on my carefully curated eBay profile if you cancel a transaction because weeks later they still haven't showed up despite several appointments being made. eBay sucks now, I think it's been pretty heavily documented, but there's my 5 cents. 

I made the stupid mistake of creating a profile on The Guardian site. Most of the time it goes pretty smoothly, but there are inevitably people who just cannot understand simple logic. They accuse me of saying things I never said, or they get the wrong end of something simple and twist it into nonsense, then try to make me answer for it. Are people really that bad at thinking? Or are they getting some kind of kick out of just being weird and illogical for no apparent reason? What kind of payoff is there in writing weird uninteresting factually-bereft bullshit on a forum? How damaged are people?

Meanwhile, IRL, simple things like "I'll meet you at 7" turn into mind-bending situations where the other person leaves before 7 and then harasses me for not turning up.

How does that work?

It feels like every promise someone makes is hot air. What are people getting out of all of this weird deceptive fucking around? Is it fun to do?

And the thing is, I'm quite delighted and happy with my life when I'm by myself. I'm not sad or depressed. It's only other people that frustrate me and make me angry/murderous.

I made friends with a really attractive young woman completely by chance, and because I learned a few years ago that relationships are just poison, I didn't try to seduce her. She eventually asked me if I wanted to be with her, and I told her that someone her age (her 20's) should be with a guy her age. Not my age (44). I could literally be her Dad. The maths check out.

She stormed out furiously and never got in touch again, so I guess I can't even have friends now. I did her a favour, but ok. I'm an asshole.

I've deleted so much of myself off the web in increments. Every now and then I think about deleting this blog. It might happen eventually. No real reason not to. Do you know my will just says to cremate me, and then throw me in the bin? You do now.

All of the physical things I built up around myself have been sold off one by one. I had over 35 decent and collectible guitars in my collection, more than 25 are gone and I'm working on the rest. And with every treasured posession I sell, comes a sense of release and freedom. It's hard to explain, and I hate to quote Fight Club, but the things you own really do end up owning you.

I've donated or sold all of my furniture, gadgets. I want to take up less space. I am building a camper van. I feel like human origami.

And maybe it's all a reaction to the fact that when most people get older they are considered socially irrelevant. I don't know, I think social things are irrelevant, so to be irrelevant to irrelevant people and situations is a mark of distinction. But this is coming from the guy who deleted his Twitter due to lack of interest.

I like older people's stories. I like the wisdom some of them accumulate. I think young people are boring to be honest. Things that look great but have no substance just kill me to death from boredom. Anything that is solely based around looks is so anti-intellectual and shallow, and I find I just can't wring any enjoyment out of that.  

I've passed that high water mark where you can't be around people in their twenties any more without clearly seeing and feeling the generation gap. A few years ago if there were people in their twenties around, we'd just hang out and it was situation normal. But now I'd rather chainsaw my dick off. The shit they say/think/do. Nope, I don't want it.

So what do single people in their forties do? Just slowly disappear socially until you're just a guy in someone else's anecdote from days gone by that no one gives a fuck about any more? I'm ok with it, I'm just wondering what the play is here.

Do we all just crawl off to die, and in the meantime we holiday in Morocco, learn how to speak another language (Esperanto), and feed the ducks? 

Were people always so thoroughly disappointing, but I had to reach this point to see it? Are most people on Earth really that stupid and self-centred and illogical and all the other dumb things they go to great amounts of effort to be?

If you could preview life from the womb like a track on iTunes, I'd have clicked no.