Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Bevan and Shirlene.

When you run a Google image search for 'smackies', do you know what comes up?

I'll tell you what comes up.

A really cool picture of an octopus- that's what comes up.

But when you click on it to view it in its full orsumosity, you get a 404 file missing error message.

And do you know why you get a 404 file missing error message?

Because smackies stole the freakin' octopus- that's why!

I'll give you one guess who this post is going to be bitching about...

That's right, smackies.

So, let's begin.

Thanks a pantload, Bayer, you total bastards.

OK. We've all tried heroin.

Well, everyone except you, and maybe you.

But the rest of us have, and that's totally fine.

Some people I know have even stuck with it, like, for years.

And they're fine too, because they still go to work, and do the dishes, and avoid buying knockoff Wu Tang hoodies and imitation Fubu smackie-dacks at the Victoria Markets.

They're users, not abusers.

So allow me to clear up any confusion some of you might be having, with my ultimate guide:

How to tell if you're a smackie.

1. If you can read up to this point, you probaby aren't.

2. If you read it, but had a nap in between sentences, then you are.

3. If you smoke constantly, and put the butts in your pocket when you get on the tram, you are.

4. Or you may as well be, you filthy cockmouth.

4. If you ever say the words "faaaaark", "centreleeenk", or "preeeson" in the same sentence, then you totally are.

4. If you have no body fat, but you do have a backpack full of other peoples belongings, you're guilty, and you know it.

4. If you didn't notice the last 4 entries have all started with the number '4', then you are so on the nod right now, it's not even funny.

5. If you can name the model number of any cellular phone within 5 seconds of sighting it, you are.

6. If all the staff at Cash Converters know you by name, guilty.

7. If you still like Pink Floyd, even though it's now 2004, and we have rocket cars and laser pointers, then you are (or are so blunted/bonged out, the dividing line is about .00000324mm thick).

8. Are you wearing thongs in the winter? 'Nuff said.

9. Are you wearing a puffa jacket, anything by adidas, or high top sneakers? Then you are, or you're a career criminal. Either way, get fucked forthwith.

10. Do you inject heroin on a regular basis? Then this list is for you.

Not glamorous...much!

Maybe I'm just grumpy and out of sorts today...staying up all night and getting no sleep will do that to you.

But I swear to the horned one right now, people are so ugly in the daytime! Well, in Flemington, anyway.

Don't get me wrong, I saw:

  • One hot hairdresser.

  • Two minxy nurses.

  • One luscious secretary.

  • Two sexy Centrelink employees (unbelievable, I know!),

  • One hot Asian girl on the tram, and

  • One well dressed and quite handsome Kenyan man with khaki slacks and a white shirt.

But everyone else:

  • Was old with transluscent skin,

  • Had copious amounts of snot flowing like a river to the sea from the estuary that is their face.

  • Posessed brown 'pub-hair'.

  • Acne, and lots of it.

  • Intensely bad and wrong fashion sense.

  • Was a smackie.

My housemate just walked in while I was writing this, and I have to include him too, because as sweet and lovely as he is, you just can't come into my room looking like David Coverdale in 1986 (complete with ripped tight jeans, waistcoat/no top on, and long flowing brown hair with cowboy boots combo), and not expect to be lambasted like a Pirate in the port of Amsterdam in the 1400's.

At least he's not a smackie.

This is you on smack...sort of.

So this here's a big "fuck you" to Lou Reed, Irvine Welsh, Basquiat, Courtney Love, Bayer Pharmaceuticals, Layne Staley, William S Burroughs, River Pheonix, Thomas De Quincey, and Charlie Parker.

I used to be all about legalised shooting galleries, and all that jizz, but that changed when I had my house turned over by smackies, who not only stole my old computer, but my bands second, unreleased CD, that was mixed on the hard drive.

$15,000 value to me, $50 to them.

Fuck you to every ring of Dante's inferno, you absolute cuntwarts.
I vote we replace the methadone program, with a 'taser to the nuts' program, or even an 'inject a spear into your face' program.

At least John Howard and i agree on one thing. (OK, two- I like getting assfucked by his wife also).

I'm going to bed, and I expect one of you to meet me there, buttcrack-ass nekkid, "wearing nothing but a smile".

That would turn today around, fa' rizzy.

This is knifey, from 'the internet'.


fluffy said...

You tell it Knifey!

I have a program especially for the junkie mums pushing prams which involves not much more than a rabbit punch to the face followed by a baby rescuing and relocation manouvre. Like me, this plan is elegant in its simplicity.

Can I be on Team Fizli now?

sugar and spice said...

so when you say you expect one of us to turn up nekkid, is this an opening for the flirting?

i see more smackies than i can poke a stick at (and sometimes i do, just for fun) 'coz i totally work in foot-es-cray. smackie capital of the world. nice.

knifey said...

FLUFFY- i don't even know if I'M in team fizli yet!
...no one replies to my emails.

SUGAR- franco cozzo has a food tech department?!
i had like, no idea!

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