Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Pity she's such a bitch...

You know when you're listening to your iPod on shuffle, and you hear a song you haven't listened to in ages, and you think "Omigod, NOTHING could top listening to 'Calling On' by Weta", when 'Pace It' by Magic Dirt comes on and your pants explode right the fuck off your measly little chicken legs??!!!


I used to have a mega-celebrity-crush on Adalita from Magic Dirt, we're talking for like, 4 years.

(Knockin at your back door by Deep Purple just came on...this rules!)

Then I met Adalita, and I met her man, and they were both so fucking beautiful and down to earth and nice and hot I figured I wouldn't upset the natural order of things by tearing them apart with my homewrecking wayz.

Then I focussed the full force of my geek power on this lucky girl:

I just threw that last one in to see if you were paying attention.

Here is my secret fantasy...

I dream about what it would be like to wake up in the morning (you know I'm dreaming right there!), to look in the mirror, and just know that my body and my face were so undeniably perfect, that I could go anywhere and talk to anyone, and just know they were so affected by my visage that they tripped over their words, said "sorry" a lot, and wished like crazy they had 1/1000'th what I have.

Not for some insane power trip, or to get what I want, just to know what that experience is like, seeing as it's so far removed from my own.

Chan Marshall has got it in spades.

She can wear gumboots and a daggy old grandpa shirt, and she still beats the living fuck out of pretty much every other celebrity walking down any red carpet, wearing any assortment of overpriced sequins and silk.

She makes me happy in the pants.

But she doesn't want to be known for that.

It annoys her.

She wants to be known for her live performances, for her art.

And to that I say "Dream on Chan, because you suck worse than anybody else in the history of live musical performance".

Seriously, have you seen her?

I sort of did, but I walked out...on two seperate tours!

She has immense talent as a songwriter and musician, pity her fucked "I am the greatest" attitude always gets in the way.

So, sorry, but I'm just gonna lust after you instead.

On a totally unrelated side-note, that anti-gambling commercial where the grandma loses everything, then doesn't show up for her grand-daughters 'special day' at primary school, then is confronted by her daughter about it...and after all that she's sitting at the kitchen table next to grandad, and he takes her hand- God, it chokes me up something chronic!

I was at the Taxi Embassy (24 hour greasy spoon in West Melbourne) at 4 am when they played it once, and right there, in front of a bunch of truck drivers and cops, I had to pick up my order with tears rolling down my face.

"God, grandad really loves grandma, doesn't he?" I sobbed to the nice Greek man who runs the place.

"Yes mate, he sure does", he said, and gave me an extra chiko roll.

Cue music: What if God was one of us...etc, etc...

This is knifey, from 'the internet'.


Kitten said...

Bangs are so sexy on a woman. She's hot..

Evidently, you have no mirrors in your abode.
While I love you for your compassion, wit, intelligence and style.....the fact that you are physicaly adorable is just a bonus.


You've Got What I Need... said...

wow. hot. hot. hot. chickie. too bad she's crap on stage, but at least she has something else to fall back on! YOU!

sugar and spice said...

i saw her last time (well i caught the last 20 minutes) and was impressed - although she did tell the audience to stop giggling and put the house lights up. there was a certain presence there though.

plus: hubba. hubba.

morgan said...


Thanks for the Chan photo essay - love her music but didn't see her live (had heard the stories)- so i never knew she was so beautiful. She's not the bitch tho???

My guaranteed-bawlfest commercial (don't see it much anymore) is an animal liberation one with a Pretenders soundtrack - there's shots of people sawing the horns of rhinos and other stuff that gets me in the guts.

Reading some of your recent posts has got me visualising a Knifey animated TV series. Each episode has to have at least one pants explosion - like the South Park Kenny death. To be screened late at night on SBS and internationally at selected animation festivals. Shall we start working on a funding proposal?

Lee Lee said...

Holly Valance. Bleugh!

knifey said...

oh morgan, you made my day!
that would be so cool, for me anyway!

leelee- admit it, holly valance is hot as hell.
she just looks pretty talentless and plastic next to chan...but then, don't we all?

Tillops said...

My housemate's a big Cat Power fan and I never paid much attention. Until I saw Cross-Bones Style on Rage the other week.

"Why didn't you tell me she's so gorgeous?" I cried. If only I'd been told sooner. So the next day I was in possession of a couple of CDs and an erection. Bliss.

stilt said...

i heart Adalita. The only things on the wall of my cubicle thingy are a photo of me and a mate surfing at byron circa 86, and the lyrics to "dirty Jeans". Because they're awesome and beautiful and drenched in meaning and heartfelt wonderful stumbling drunken emotion and bring back so many happy joyful crazy sad gutwrenching memories.

Oh, and 'cause yep, they make your pants explode!

knifey said...

You're an ordinary boy and
That's the way I like it
On the train in the corner
With a mind-numbing headache
Went out last night
With only one life
Had to let you know
That you're beautiful
And you make me go and
Even if you're takin'
There's no moves I'm makin'
My legs are achin'
My eyes are sore
I haven't washed my jeans
In three months or more.

daniel said...

She's farking hot. And her records are so beautiful. But when i saw her play live she shat me no end. Just being an indulgent shambolic wanker. A totally hot indulgent shambolic wanker mind.

Lee Lee said...

I’ll admit that Holly is hot as hell when we both stand next to each other with out makeup on and I see if she is prettier then me. Then, and only then, will I disclose the reality of the circumstances.

la nadine said...

is it wrong that i'm sad that nobody has ever called me a "totally hot shambolic wanker mind"?


kranki said...

Are you hiding these hottie music chicks on some other continent far away? All we have is Avril Lavigne-ene (I don't know how to spell the last name.)

knifey said...

ummm....chan marshall is from the usa yo, but holly, adalita, and lee lee are all aussies.

god i'm a pervert.

stilt said...

Have you checked out the Cat Power signature iPod available here ?

When enacted, special shuffle feature will randomly play either a stunning performance by Chan Marshall, or a crappy one. You know, just like seeing her live

knifey said...

omigod stilt!
that's so freakin awesome!!!!

i'm sad though, that guys blog eats mine alive.

*throws photoshop in trash*

Manure Man said...

i call dibs on chan or shotgun or punchbuggy

shes a trainwreck live and thats what draws me to her, and for those fleeting moments when she is on, she is fucking on.

and the covers album, thats absolutely sex on disc.

NWJR said...

Anyone that plays slide with a cell phone is OK by me!