There's the pathetic that is quiet and kinda damaged.
It's seen some hard times, and, try as it might, it just can't seem to rise above them.
Pretty weak, but not in any way in your face.
Then there's this...
It's the other kind.
The kind that is so out there and full-on proud of itself, when itself is basically a steaming pile of crap-in-your-face.
The kind that is not only a global pyramid scheme for blog traffic, but that also includes all the choicest cuts of your favourite and mine- viral marketing!
And they call it 'Blog Explosion'.
It came to my attention when visiting my new friend Morgan Le Fay's blog.
There, nestled among the piss and vinegar for Rhett Hutchence, was a comment from Hansel.
Hansel wrote
"Hi! I was surfing through the blogs and saw that you had just started your blog. I didn't start mine too long ago either. Just thought I would suggest that if you are looking to get some traffic to your blog and some more comments then you might want to check out Blog Explosion. The link is:
http://www.blogexplosion.com/index.php?ref=ripcord114
My blog is http://hanseldobbs.blogspot.com/ and it is called Metamorphosis. Check it out sometime and if you have a second leave a comment and I will return the favor."
And I think that's shit.
Hansel, you absolute cockjockey...if we want to read your blog, we will.
I'm not going to slag your blog off, because as far as I'm concerned, everyone has a right to express themselves, and I think it's great when people start one up...for the right reasons. I even think your blog is nice, and has some awesome pictures (that other people did). I love skyscrapers too. I even went and saw you in Zoolander. But you're still a loser.
If you're here to stimulate traffic and hits, so you can feel popular, and you have to stoop to the level that you sign up to a service that compells you to read other people's blogs, so one of them will read yours, for every two that you read?
Loser.
But worse still, actually going into someones comment section, and posting with absolutely no relevance to the subject of the blog?
That's just fucking rudeness at the height of the rudosphere.
You're basically on top of rude mountain, blowing a rudophone!
You're in the ghetto, looking to score some "get fucked" from my man Rudy!
You're all up in night classes learning your 'Ruding, Writing, and Arithmetic".
It's actually spamming bloggers comments section, you should also include where they can get viagra online, how to increase their penis size, and offer them an amazing offer whereby they can make millions from helping out your bank in Nigeria.
Here's the blurb, straight from Blog Explosion, I have inserted my awesome and essential opinions in red.
Nobody is reading my blog ... Help me!
I'm a total loser with nothing to offer...Help me!
You spend all night setting up your very own blog, but in short time you realize nobody is coming to read it. You jealously watch the biggest blogs out there getting tons of attention but how can your blog get noticed too?
They get attention because they're BETTER THAN YOURS. Because they take time out of their lives that they could be spending viral marketing and spamming peoples comment sections, on creating words/art/thought.
If you're jealous about it, get some fucking talent.
That's where BlogExplosion comes in to send people to your blog. Imagine getting hundreds or even thousands of other bloggers coming to read your blog every month!
WOW! Imagine getting thousands of bloggers coming to read my blog every...oh wait, I ALREADY DO!
And I don't need to bribe them by saying "i'll read yours if you read mine", like a total rudeboy.
Sounds great! How does it work?
Wait, no it doesn't, but tell us anyway...
The concept is very simple. You read other blog sites and they in return visit your blog. Blogexplosion is the internet's first blog exchange where thousands of bloggers visit each other's blogs in order to receive tons of blog traffic. Imagine how many other people out there could be adding your blog to their blogroller and how many people would be reading your blog every day with this sort of attention. It's free to use!
Like, WTF???
Leverage the power of viral marketing!
Leverage the power of being a total choadloader!
What does "Leverage the Power" mean anyway?
Who says that shit?
I might say it when I'm having sex one time, because that would be funny as hell.
Even better when you refer new members to Blog Explosion you receive 10% of the traffic they generate five levels deep. By referring new members you receive bonus blog traffic for life!
4 life yo, coz we real like dat.
What sites can I promote on BlogExplosion?
Whether you like to talk about politics, business, your wedding, family or just like to share your life experiences and blog with other people this is a great way to expand the people that read your blog!
...and don't forget, to Leverage the Power also!
I have a blog product or service. Can I promote that too ?
Sure. If your company provides blog scripts, blog templates, blog hosting or any other product or service related to blogging you are defiinitely welcome here too. Whether you have a personal or business blog or is blog related you will find this the best tool on the internet to get your blog seen!
Because we are a company that makes money by the amount of people who hit our page. You can blog about your genital warts and your holiday photos of up your own sphincter too! Because you know what? WE WILL NEVER READ ANY OF THE SHIT WE GET YOU MONKEYS TO PROMOTE FOR US!!!
No hidden costs, no fancy marketing tricks.
That's right absolutely no fancy marketing tricks.
None.
Not one.
Especially not viral marketing, the fanciest marketing trick ever conceived.
Oh wait, yes we do.
WE TOTALLY DO!
Ahahahahahahahahahahaaaa!!!
Visit new and interesting blogs and receive hundreds or even thousands of visitors to your blog in return every month!
Because you and I both know Hansel, that that's the only way you'll ever compete with people like knifey, who have been known to spend 10 hours straight working up the artwork for a post, so the nice people who stop by and read his blog when they're bored out of their minds at work, might get a laugh out of it.
So there you go peeps, blogs that explode, just like my pants.
Do me a favour...if you are a member of blog explosion, don't ever visit my page again, and even better, viral market your friends to stay away also.
Your kind ain't welcome here.
This page is for losers of the first kind.
Hey Hansel, I know you're dying to know, so here are my stats:
| VISITS | ||||
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| |||
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| Total | 5,959 |
| |
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| Average Per Day | 240 |
| |
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| Average Visit Length | 3:13 |
| |
|
| Last Hour | 12 |
| |
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| Today | 233 |
| |
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| This Week | 1,681 |
| |
Am I cool??!!!
I can try harder, I swear!!!
Like, it's even important!!!
Someone vote for me in the Australian Blog Awards, or I'll just die!!!
I liked you in Zoolander though, no doubt.
This is knifey, from 'the internet'.
11 comments:
hansel: so not hot right now.
p.s. i just emailed david bowie to see if he wants to call the knifey/hansel blog off.
not that there's any competition.
Hoe kaat het me je Eva?!
Oh fuck! Is that Viking? I am learning Norwegian so I can go over and shag them silly.
Awwww..How sweet.
You know, Doll, most people do not possess 1/10th the coolness that is Knifey..let's cut them some slack. Yes..I am kissing your ass....its my favorite place to start...
xoxox
Wow Hansel, I guess you really showed me!
I'm not going to spend much time in response, because I still think you're a moron.
But I will say this- yeah, I WOULD have said exactly the same thing to your face.
In fact, if you wandered into my circle of friends in mid-conversation to drop some viral marketing in real life, I would have broken your nose.
Do me a favour, and don't check my blog, or come back.
I'm not interested in popularity contests.
I find it ironic that you would place a condition on me posting in YOUR comments section though, that's hilarious.
You're a total choadloader.
Oh yeah, I forgot.
You said "I would challenge you to write some blog entries that affirm something or encourage someone instead of all the hate."
And yet you claim to have read my blog?
I affirm my ass off up in here.
Just not when talking about idiots like you, who miss the point. I would hate to encourage that.
By the way, this is for you Hansel, and your alter-ego 'Justice' (haven't seen that tactic before...much!).
From the Terms of Service.
Member will not use the Service for chain letters, junk mail, spamming or any use of distribution lists to any person who has not given specific permission to be included in such a process.
That's what you've been doing, and you wonder why people get angry?
I see you have not only deleted my comments from your blog, but the comment from Elliot who complained about the same thing.
I also see you've banned me from making any more comments at all, while you're been free all along to speak your mind here?
I've left your 'war and peace' sized post intact up there ^...are you big time into censorship?
I'm not bullying you idiot, I'm treating you the same way I'd treat anyone as rude as you.
Do you know how my music sells, and how you can go buy it in a record store in your home town there in Texas?
We spend money ADVERTISING, not MARKETING.
We would never invade your blog and spam up your comment section with a link to a site that gives us credit for every person we can get to sign up.
We just play well, and when people like us, they tell their friends, and they tell their friends, and so on, and so on, and so on...
And I work two jobs to take out ads in music magazines and on radio stations, I don't force my brand of crap on ANYONE.
Here's to you pulling your head out and waking up sometime soon, control freak.
I'm going to mail him all the stupid American Online sign up CD's that come to my house every week. I hate them!! I haven't signed up in the last 5 years. Why do they keep sending them to me ?? Incessantly! They even come bundled with my daily paper. But instead of filling up the landfills, I now know exactly where to send them! Texas!
You know it Mara!
Wow, Knifey..you ARE good!
Who names a kid Hansel, anyway????
I'll send him beauty tips....
I miss you so much it hurts.
Guess where?
Wanna kiss it better.....?*wink*
xo
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