Getting To Know Me.

If I said "I am a bit complex", you would be hard-pressed to find anyone who would disagree with me.

Some would even say "insane", "abnormal", or even "irretrievable".

I agree with all of these prognoses.

So today I'm just gonna lay down a bunch of cold, hard knifey-facts, and at the end you will not only not know me any better, you'll be even more mystified.

So, let's begin!

My real name is Dutch, and 26 letters long.

I am so incredibly ga-ga over Adalita from Magic Dirt, that even after being on the road for the better part of a decade working for U2, Blink 182, Bon Jovi, and Metallica, I still couldn't speak when I met her. Ha ha!






I have a Korean housemate called Jun, who has 2 alarm clocks that ring from 6 am til 9 am every day, and wake me up. His excuse "Well...I have to get up". I don't know why I haven't murdered him yet.

I am devastated to learn that Bunnings Warehouse in the city has closed down. I don't know anyone else who almost cried when finding out their local hardware store is shutting up shop, but I did. I adore that place.

I used to be homeless in 1998, for 3 months. And by 'homeless', I didn't mean i was crashing on friends couches.

I am currently excavating an area the size of a caravan out from under my house, which I will build a small room into, and move in. My landlord not only loves the idea, he's gonna start charging me $10 rent a week, instead of $110. Rulez.

I am a writer/contributor, but not for anything local. Mainly obscure graffiti magazines like 'Brain Damage' in Warsaw, Poland, and "Fecal face' in San Francisco. I don't know how I land these gigs, because in my mind, I can't write to save myslef (sic).

I don't know when you're allowed to call yourself an artist.
I've shown up in all manner of magazines and online arty spots, but i still don't feel like an artist. Other people have called me an artist. I don't know.

I am a genius, which as far as I'm concerned, is just not good enough.

Clever or not, I am constantly mystified by the simplest of things, like "What is that girl doing with him"?, and where to put question marks within a sentence.

I learned a new skill this week- how to walk away from a fight.
It's taken me 33 years, but my God, I've done it!
*Taxi drivers all over the world breathe a sigh of relief*

Most of my time is spent waiting for other people.

I was shocked to discover that the more you don't pay your bills and do indulge in behaviour that leads to bad credit, the more you are offered credit. All those threatening letters are a joke. If you want to get a new credit card or a loan, just stop paying your bills for a while, and totally bypass all the needless paperwork.

I was threatened with a failing grade in my photography class at design school unless I had sex with my insanely hot lecturer. Talk about a no-brainer! I also made sure I took only papers she was teaching the year after.

I was theatened with a failing grade in my physics class at University unless I had sex with my insanely disgusting lecturer. Talk about a no-brainer! i totally failed physics that year.

I had my mobile phone disconnected last week, and haven't looked back. I don't even miss it. i am so totally in love with the idea of not keeping up with the Jones'es any more, I am thinking of giving my huge expensive TV to a friend who doesn't have one. Less is so totally more.

I have several boxes of slides from Europe that i found, but can't seem to throw away. If anyone does vision mixing etc and wants them, email me at knifeyard@gmail.com

I met Fred Durst from Limpbizkit, and he was the nicest guy ever.

I find furniture by Andreas Storiko sexually attractive.


See what I mean?

Right now I am listening to 'Candy' by Mandy Moore on iTunes. That bassline is the shit.

I am such a bogan that I didn't understand what everyone meant when they said 'Defender' by Manowar was great "as a joke".

I have spent roughly $20,000 on recording and releasing music in my life, and for that i have sold the grand total of about 500 CD's. Christ!

For some reason, I still haven't given up.

I have an obsession with castor wheels, I put them on everything.
I have a trolley table for my TV, even though it never goes anywhere, all of my road cases have wheels, even though my guitar cabinets already have wheels in them, and I don't need to fly them anywhere right now.
I put wheels on my bookcase.

I would like to do a reality TV show where I turn up to your house with a van full of tools, and renovate your electric guitar. You go to Daylesford for the night so you can have a spa and act like a whore (then wonder why i don't ever want to see you again), while I turn your axe from this:


"You need a make-over!"

To this:


"Are you ready for Spring racing?"

*This is an actual guitar makeover I did last year.

Clearly, I have a fetish for guitars. I've had hundreds of them throughout my life, and when I die, I'll probably be some old guy living under the house in a pod full of vintage explorers and Fenders, paying $10 a week.

I don't really care about video games.

I think i have a split-personality, like in Fight Club, except unlike Tyler Durden, I'm not freakishly perfect looking, and my other personality is French.
At least, I think it is, because I wake up and find somebody has downloaded albums worth of MP3's by Anomie and MC Solaar.

If you could see inside my mind right now, it would look something like this:

























If you're not masturbating right now, you're either a hetero woman, or insane.

This is knifey, from 'the internet'.