Project: GIRLFRIEND !!!

This weather is fucked up.

I know Summer (if that's what you want to call it) is on the way out very soon, and we're gonna be trapped in the bitter and icy throes of a Southern Winter again.

A winter so cold, that we will all be huddling in front of our heaters with the curtains drawn and socks on, wishing for days like today where it was so hot our arm hairs spontaneously combusted, and blowflies vomited on our sweaty faces.

Clearly, it's time for a girlfriend.

The hunt is on, and you're all invited!

I'm at my best when I've been set a task, because as much as I don't give a crap what anyone else thinks, I like to display my total insanity by simultaneously being 100% eager to please.

And seeing as BBCC has fucked off to fizlier pastures, where the anal secks never ends, and because no-one else ever gave me homework, I'll come up with my own.

Who will it be?

It could be anyone, maybe even you!

Totally interactive!

Just to prove my detractors wrong, I'm going to promise she won't have fake cans as well. I know i can do it!

There are some other things she won't have too, let's check them out.

Dealbreakers/Essentials:

• Must be brunette. No other colour need apply (unless it's black).
• Long hair, full stop.
• And straight...no more curls. You're freaky and kinda pathetic.
  
• Must have a cool sense of style. I like leg warmers.
  
• Must have a great sense of humour. "Ha, ha", etc...
  
• Must not act like a whore.
• Must not be an actual whore. Been there, done that to death.
• No moustaches thanks.
  
• No games, thanks.
• Must never yell anything out of a moving car. Ever.
  
• If you wear lipstick, say "goodbye" right now. Gross.
  
• Must be down with the fact I'm moving under the house. For real.
• If you like gossip, I'm the wrong guy for you.
• No way will I ever spend one second with another clingy/demanding loser.
• If you have a car, that would be great. If you don't, I still love you baby.
  
• If you have a girl-pot belly, you can come stand up the front of the line, sexy minx!
• If you complain a lot, complain about this: "fuck off".
• If you're mad about football, I'll still give you a shot, but I'll think you're weird.
• If you voted for Howard in the last election, you can go be his girlfriend.
• If you don't adore guitar music, there really is no point, is there?
• Are you super jealous? About nothing? Thanks for your time...
• Must be ok with farts. Not smelly ones, just...farty ones.
• No cum dodgers allowed. I'm gonna drown in yours, so you can return the favour a little.
• Must enjoy long periods of total inactivity, in bed.
• And takeaway food.
• And siestas in the afternoon.
• And spontaneous walks/rides/roadtrips.
• Having said that, if you're a fat slob, no thanks.
  
• Do you smoke? I can't hear you, because I've left already.
• Do you think this list is way too long already? Seeya.
• Are you a psychopath? See 'whores'.
• Also, no exotic dancers. You're all weird, and have odd power-issues.
• But Belly-dancers are ok.
• Scene whores need not apply.
  
• I will take you shopping and spend all my money on you. Please don't take advantage of that.
• If you don't love cheese and dairy products, well...that would be sad.
• You can't change me.
• You can't change me
• YOU CAN'T CHANGE ME!
• Did you get all hyped about Grogblogging? Later, loser!
  
• Must like dogs. Sorry Kitten etc, but cat people and I don't gel.
• Must live in Australia, not be currently married, or in prison.
• You know what? Kids are cool. I can do that.
• Do you love bad boyz? Well, I only look like one. Sorry.
  
• Are you anal about cleaning? So am I!!! Let's get it on (then clean it up!)
• Almost forgot- no fake cans (although I'll totally fuck you before I settle down).
• If you think all graffiti is vandalism, please get a life.
• If you have ever dated a cop, well... no.
• Leave the drama at High School where it belongs.

That should do for Round One.

I do have some potential candidates in mind right now, but they are subject to elimination as dealbreakers are discovered through the dating process.

Contestant Number One (Codename: One-horse Politico)...

Is a super-hot member of the intelligentsia from Interstate!

She works hard and plays harder, and turns heads everywhere she goes with her stunning good looks, and ravenous hunger for current affairs..
Fully equipped with a great sense of humour, and an affectionate nature, this lovely lady could so be the one.

Cons:

• #1 doesn't love guitar music. Not even close.

• She is also determined not to fall in love with me, because of the curse of long distance.

• Has dated a cop.
  

Pros:

• I just love a challenge!

• She's well worth meeting half way.
  

Contestant Number Two (Codename: Felice from The Middle East)...

...is a raven-haired goddess from The Middle East!

With one of the biggest hearts this world has ever seen, combined with a tough, no-nonsense attitude, #2 is a one in a million.
Possibly the smartest lady in the city of Melbourne, she is the only person I have ever met who constantly has to gently dispatch loverlorn admirers as she walks down the street. Comments such as "you're the most exotic and beautiful woman I have ever seen!" are commonplace.

Cons:

• Should we cross the friendship barrier? Should we risk losing it all?

• Her Father would probably have me killed.

Pros:

• Well, pretty much everything! Plus she has an awesome BMW.

Contestant Number Three (Codename: "I can't believe it's not Adalita!")...

...is an Adalita lookalike, with a wardrobe full of leg warmers!

Let's face it, looking like Adalita pretty much sews up the race from the get-go.
But as if that wasn't enough, from experience so far, she displays 0.0 dealbreakers!

Cons:

• There has to be a catch, right?

• Again, distance could be a problem.

Pros:

• Well, she's freakin' perfect already!

So there you have it, relationship fans!

I will date these contestants mercilessly, and maybe even some late entries besides, until there is only one left standing, radiating with the powerful and amazing honour of being...

Knifey's Girl !!!

You read it here first (and you will read about it other places...)
Keep tuning in, and I'll let you know how it all goes down, so to speak.

(insert smiley-face emoticon here).


This is knifey, from 'the internet'.