How To Lose Friends And Infuriate People.

Don't you just adore the way I totally changed the title of one very famous and iconic landmark from the literary world, to suit my own bloggish desires?

This post is subtitled "OH, knifey, knifey, knifey... When will you ever learn to keep your mouth shut, and realise people only want to read your unique brand of crap when you're deliriously and infectiously happy, or remembering dead loves of years past?"

Yup, I'm putting my foot so far in my mouth, that pieces of my ass will be in my mouth.

1. The Tsunami.

Guess what?

I couldn't give less of a crap about the Tsunami.

I said Tsunami, not victims, so stop hyperventilating.

Yes, it was an immense tragedy, and yes, tens of thousands died, millions are suffering.
All in all, just another day at the office for planet Terra.

There are people dying and suffering in massive numbers every day, and I don't see every fucking website on the planet (even porn sites), throwing up links to help them.

Sure, I donated as much as I could afford, and I think you should too.

I think you should for the same reason I've been sponsoring 5 kids in Africa every year since I was 18 years old.

Ah- Africa.

You will never admit it, but if the Tsunamis had hit Somalia instead, the majority of the world would have though to themselves "That's tragic, but they were dying anyway. At least the ocean kinda cleaned up the problem".

And I think that, is what you should be gnashing your teeth about.

Clearly, I don't like everyone fadding the fuck out and running around getting emotional over a piece of news, for the pure fact that it is new.

If you were all about compassion and empathy, you'd be crying your fucking guts out every day of your life, for orphaned children who die in Romania, in soulless orphanages, because their little hearts break from never having human contact (because there are simply too many to spend time with.)

You would sell your fucking Saab, get on a plane, and live in abject poverty, just so you could spend every day of the rest of your life hugging and kissing and loving these beautiful innocent children, who would otherwise die without it. Because children need love, like they need food, shelter, and air.

You would buy a bulletproof vest and get your ass over to Mogadishu, so you could put your body between the insanely needed aid containers on the wharf, and the bullets from the guns of the Warlords gangs.

You would petition the Catholic Church every day to renounce their message of contraception being evil, as it guarantees hundreds of thousands of starving little Africans for them to convert using your money. And it spreads AIDS, so they would probably die anyay.

You feel me right?

No, of course you don't.

You're too busy talking this up like it's the end of the world.

It's not.

It's just 'the world'.

The real tragedy is what we as humans do to each other and the planet we should be at least making an effort to look after, every day.

Not over a natural event.

Besides, now a whole generation of schoolchildren now know how to spell the word 'tsunami'.

And no, it was not even remotely comparable to 9-11.
That, was truly evil.

2. Girls.

We all know there exists a massive double-standard between what is acceptable for men, and what is acceptable for women.

We all know it, but nobody is saying anything, so I will.

I was shocked to one day discover, that the rules are different for women.
I was appalled and outraged when as a young man, I learned about the 'glass ceiling' in Time magazine.
I was ashamed of my gender every time I saw statistics regarding spousal abuse and violent crime against women.

Sexist as it may be, these are our fair companions in life, and they are to be protected and treated with neverending waves of gentleness, never hit, punched, kicked, or stabbed to death.

But I think a few among their number are taking the piss, taking advantage, if you will.

And I'm not talking about that perennial problem of philosophy, the 'seat up Vs. seat down' argument either.

When a woman says to a man "never call me again", it's up to the man to say to himself "Well, whether I like it or not, that person there has told me they don't want me ringing them again. It sucks, I have so many unanswered questions, and it hurts to be rejected, but I have no choice but to respect their wishes, and to admit something heavy must have gone down in order for them to wish it in the first place".

When a man says "never call me again" to a woman, the same should be true.

But it isn't.

Because in my experience (and this is a generalisation), women tend to say something along the lines of:

(subconscious) - *panic alarm* "I'm being rejected, I don't want to be rejected. I need to make up any excuse I can to justify (to myself, and to any sympathetic friends I have only) calling him up.

(conscious) *calls up*.

(30 times a day).

Now, if a guy does this, women hiss and men shake their heads at the sad loser who lacks the self respect to face the fact it's over (whatever "it" was). It's pathetic, we've all seen it.

But if a woman does it, the sisterhood unites, and hisses at the vicious male, who is hurting their sister, by not letting her share her true and powerful womanly love with him.

Well excuse my Français, but fuck that.

Actually, it's stalking, as in, totally illegal, selfish, deluded, and wrong.

Oh, and psychotic.

There are some members of the fairer sex, who give the rest a dangerously bad name.

These few, feel that whatever is on their minds, or whatever they deem to be their need, in all ways surpasses any wish that contradicts their view.

If I ask you to not call me, it means when you threatened me with physical violence over a misunderstanding that was created totally out of your own paranoia, and had no basis either in reality or in my actions, that you fucked up.

You can't come back from that.

That, is what is known in the relationship industry, as a dealbreaker.

Now, if you were a guy, and you were my friend, I would knock every tooth out of your head, and if you still wanted to hang out afterward, I'd give it some thought.

But you're not a guy, you're a woman, and I was raised by an incredible woman, to never do what his Daddy did.

So all's I say is simply "You fucked up, I don't want to know you. Don't call me ever again".

Sure it hurts you, but that's not my problem.

Not after you talked about knocking my jaw off anyways.

But when you come and sit outside my window, for an hour at a time, that's just sick.

It's sick, as in, 'you need psychiatric help' sick.

When you come back the next day, that simply means you have lost your mind, and have no respect for the wishes of anyone else, but your own greedy and manipulative self.

Sure, you could dress it up as concern, because you read something on my blog, and took it as your duty to come care for me when it wasn't needed or wanted.

But it's not care, it's just mental illness.

It's so easy to dress it up as concern (or anything else really), whatever works.

But if a guy who threatened to hit you in the face sat outside your window, calling for you to let them in, that guy would be arrested and put in jail, and the community would all agree it was the best thing to do, and "how are you feeling, ok now?"

There's your double-standard.

Clearly, this section of the post was aimed at someone who reads this.

While everyone else thinks you're amazing and inspirational, and they drop your name in their blogs and rave about how lovely you are, you really need to wake up.

Because while they think all that, if they knew what I know, they would be as scared of your minds workings as I am.

They would be concerned for your health, but even more, they would fear for the safety of your loved ones.

You need to seek professional help.

You need to stop making excuses for utterly fucked behaviour, and most importantly, you need to

stop

calling

me.

3. Girls, part 2.

Maybe it's because I was raised by my Momma, but whatever the reason, I grew up thinking that women were as a rule, waaaaay smarter then men.

And in a lot of cases, it's true.

But, the power I thought they had, that 'I can see right through you' kind of power, the kind of power that makes them such powerful adversaries in the battle of the sexes, as a rule, does not exist.

I used to think if you were desperate, or an asshole, or from Lithuania, women could just sense it.

The more you tried to hide it, the more they'd see it.

As a result, I grew up just being me, and letting all my foibles and faux-pas' hang out for the world to see (this post being exhibit 'A").

But they can't see it.

They can barely see, let alone see "it".

So allow me to spell it out for you, so that you may see what I, knifey, and so many of my male brethren, have been dying of old age waiting for you to work out for yourself.

If you are flirting with me, and we have privately made a connection of any kind, and furthermore if a possible sexual interest has been declared by both parties, don't email me and tell me all about who you pashed last night, or who you would like to fuck.

It's actually pretty simple really.

I'm not the jealous type, but I do so love that "just washed" feeling of being the one, the only one, that you are thinking of right now (naked or otherwise).

And as La Nadine (secret trysts are so in right now) pointed out in her blog recently, celebrities don't count. Think of shagging Brad Pitt senseless if you like, I totally understand (just not in no homo-sex-u-ile way).

If you make me feel this way, I will totally feel the same way towards you.

In short- if you want me to instantly lose any and all interest in you, keep telling me all about your latest conquest.

Or, if you're not saying anything about it, and keeping it a secret from me, make sure those around you stay 'mum' on the subject also.

I think that's even worse, especially if you try to play innocent.

I'm not a whore, I just spell like one.

4. Catholics.

Have you ever visited Myspace?

So you're looking at the profile of person #599 who wants you to add them as a friend, and you're reading their interests, and they like the O.C, and Snoop Dogg, and smoking ganja, and sex with strangers, and being pack raped at Spring break, and God.

These are the nu Catholics.

We won't go into the Inquisition (actually, I probably will, but that will be a post all of its own, even though I'm pretty sure BBCC has moved on to fizlier pastures, and none of you would read it all), we''ll leave out the witch trials (read 'Malefice' by Leslie Wilson if you can though (Picador ISBN 0 330 32428 4), it's fiction, but it's amazing).

We won't even go into all the things his Holiness the Pope has said that makes me want to fire a high powered projectile right through his plexiglass bubble.

*Vatican Death Squads are probably being scrambled to my location as we speak, so if I never post again, you know what went down*

What i will go into is this-

The Church is dying.

Its membership in Britain has ebbed so low that in a total panic, they have erected billboards in Central London to try and recapture the Youth vote (somewhat diminished after the child abuse scandals and subsequent attempts at cover-up and general "we are above the laws of man, even though our own God has told us in no uncertain terms to obey them" kind of behaviour.

I think the Church dying is a great idea!

But if there's one thing Catholocism has taught the world, it is that it doesn't go down without a fight (or a Crusade), and a whole lot of guilt.

So they have dropped their standards, in an attempt to bring the lost back to the fold.

Threy have relaxed this law and that law, that previously went from being the unchangeable law of the living and eternal God, to "Our God is a contemporary God (although Philosophy would strongly disagree anything Omniscient, Omnipresent, or Omnipotent could lay any sort of claim to subscribership to any one period of time/space, even if it is the piece we call "right now").

Contemporary Gods like to be down with the people, you see.

Now, I am so down with people, who live a good, honest life, and who love God.

I don't love him/it at all, but that doesn't mean I don't respect your faith.

If you are a Christian, and you do your best to do right in the world every day of your life, then I pretty much love you and applaud you, even if you think I'm a foul-mouthed heathen who needs a good shower.

I think faith (in anything) can make all the (positive) difference to a life.

I think sometimes people need to have faith, and sometimes they move on, into another faith, or into self-sufficiency.

But I also think there is no excuse for Catholicism (oh man, I just blew it with all the Mexican and Spanish hotties who read my blog, and thought I was kinda cute).

Love God if you want, but don't insult him, me, or yourself by pretending Catholicism is in any way representative of God, when you blatantly ignore huge portions of his inspired word every time you worship a graven image, or think there is any way to the Father, except through the son (my main niggah J.C.)

I mean, don't get me wrong, I think it's all a pile of horseshit, but the least you could do is make an effort to be logical about it.

Don't pray to Mary you utter fucklord!

She can't hear you!

And if she can, God definitely can, and if God definitely can, then he's hating you for all eternity and for forever, because he is a jealous God, and can't believe you'd not only ignore Jesus who did so much for you on Easter Bunny Day, but you'd worship a graven image of Mary while you were at it.

Please note: I spelled the word definitely twice in the previous paragraph.
Make a mental note of how it is spelled, as it is the most spectacularly mis-spelled word in the English language of late, and makes me want to crush your skull like my old mousing device.
It isn't 'definatly' or 'defiinately'...you fucking loser.

But back to Catholicism.

In short, if you want to be real, pick a Testament (a whole Testament), and stick with it.

Don't glaze over when you get to the bits you don't like.

Don't burn anyone at the stake.

Don't rape children.

If you must rape children, don't cover it up.

Get a Pope who doesn't live in a palace (which incidentaly has the largest porn "archive" anywhere in the world), and has no idea what life is like on the ground.

Don't ever go to war, because there is no justification for it.

There is no such thing as a "Christian Soldier", only a cocksmear who can't read his own bible properly.

Don't smoke, do drugs, get drunk (but drinking is ok), have tattoos, piercings, wear jewellry, buy expensive clothes, have a nice new car or house, or spend all your money on yourself, because the bible is clear these things are against God.

You're not allowed to be gay either, or use contraception (Onan provoked the wrath of the Lord, remember?), or pray to Mary, or enjoy anal sex (giving or receiving).

And if you do any of these things, simply don't call yourself a Catholic.

I've had this argument ten-thousand times, and it never ceases to amaze me how many Catholics say defiantly "You're like Hitler!!!", when all I'm doing is showing them the parts of the Bible they don't want to associate with.

Well, I'm not like Hitler at all.

I'm Dutch, not German, and he knew how to paint.

I think I've galvanised sufficient opinion against myself now, so I can go back to the anal sexing and the tattoos, and the Mersyndol.

Thanks for listening.



This is knifey, from 'the internet'.