De Stront Tuesday.

Last night won't be forgotten in a hurry.

My wingman Greg and I decided to go out for a drink after work.
It was one of those warm evenings where you feel like something cool is gonna happen, and you want to be on the street when it does.

And it did too, in a couple of different ways.

I got mad flirted with by the hot new checkout chick at the IGA in North Melbourne.
She wanted to talk about piercings, and took every opportunity to show me she had her tongue pierced, by playing with it while I talked with her.

I know it's cheap, but that action just blows my pants off, every time.

For once I did the right thing, and left without taking her number...she was 19 max. I'm trying to be good.

Anyway, I met up with Greg, and we went to St Kilda to drink cold drinks in the sun. I don't know what it is about St Kilda, but whenever we're there Greg and I fart like cows...we *heart* farts.

Anyway, after the sun went down, we stopped in at 7-11 to grab snacks, and on the way out the guy in front of us dropped $50.

I scooped it up, went outside, and handed it back.

He was really thankful, and shook my hand repeatedly, which was cool
But I was simultaneously concentrating on his girlfriend, who was engaging Greg with the biggest "come fuck me smile" I have ever seen, replete with hair twirling and eyelash batting!!!

The guy introduced them both as, well, let's call them Andrew and Miranda, in case they read this. Miranda shook my hand without looking at me, because she was still looking at Greg. Greg was fine with this, he's very good at eye contact.
Then she shook his hand, and laid a kiss on the side of his mouth, like, really slowly.

Andrew just beamed at them, like a proud Father or something. Fuck it was odd.

They hopped in their car and left, and Greg and I just looked at each other, then burst out laughing. We read mindz.

We were walking to the car, and we ran into our friend Ian, who is a drummer like Greg is a drummer.

Ian and I used to play together 20 years ago, while we were both putting ourselves through High School by playing underage in jazz lounges and blues bars on weeknights...he's an incredible drummer.

He told us he was glad he ran into us, and that we had to come with him to this crazy party he had been invited to.

I figured the party must have ben pretty crazy, because they were having it on a Tuesday night, but OK.

Ian told us that he had been once before, and that it is guaranteed to blow our minds. He said he had the time of his life.

This is a pretty tall order, because my mind is totally bombproof, but "what the Hell?" we thought, and off we went.

The venue was one of the new apartment monstrosities at Port Melbourne, all wanting to be on the Gold Coast, but really all you see is the neighbours across the way fingering their pets.

Anyway, up we go to the 23'rd floor, and into a typical apartment complete with IKEA furniture and a BMW keyring on the kitchen counter.

No children, no pets.

The space was open plan, but a series of beautiful Japanese style screens divided the entranceway from the main living area.
They were all dark walnut coloured timber, with some cool Hokusai shit on the panels.

We were greeted by a girl of no more than 20, wearing a power-suit, and a permanent expression of shock from her severe black ponytail.

She had glasses and a PDA, and clearly i was in love right there.

She took our drinks orders with the PDA, and said "cute" when she asked my name, and I said "knifey".

As Greg wandered past the screens she took my hand and said her name was Vaneska. "We should talk later...after..." she said, actually, it was more like an order.

By this stage of the evening I was feeling like the worlds biggest sex machine, with pheremones the size of basketballs.

I said "I don't like talking about the future", and wandered off to find Greg.

I love saying obtuse, meaningless shit like that to girls. They love it too, because it's basically an open invitation to make up your own sentence and whack it in there in place of what I just said.

She probably heard "I need you tonight Vaneska".

Love it.

I rounded the screens, and there was Greg, glass of beer in one hand, jaw in the other.

I turned to see what the big deal was, and there, on the floor, was a wading pool.

"Now that's cute!" I thought to myself, and then I noticed it was full of milk.

I like milk, no problems there.

But it was also full of a man and a woman, licking, sucking, and entering each other.

I liked that too.

Hey guess what? It was Andrew and Miranda, and Miranda was sliding her strap-on inside Andrew's anus.

"Where's my drink?" I thought.

Ian, fresh from parking the car, appeared next to us.

"What do you think?" he whispered conspiratorially, like a Turkish mans eyebrows.

"I think that's Andrew and Miranda" I whispered back.

"YOU KNOW THEM???!!!" Ian hissed, perhaps a bit louder than was expected.

"Sure, I know everybody" I quipped nonchalantly, as Andrew and Miranda looked over to see what the fuss was about.

They saw us, and waved, like you'd wave at people you'd met earlier on the street, then again at a full-on voyeur party complete with strap-ons and milk.

At least, Andrew did.

Miranda saw Greg and pretty much came, right there in the pool.

Greg turned and smiled at me, making me read his mind again.

"Yes Greg, that really did just happen" I assured him.

"Cool" he replied, "Just thought I'd check".

Can I just say that at this point i still hadn't received my drink, even though Ian was being handed his, and he arrived after me?

You're gonna love this part-

The action in the pool was hotting up, as a new couple joined Andrew and Miranda in the pool.

They had taken their clothes off and just walked on over and in.

"Now I know why my drink never arrived" I thought, "That's fucking Vaneska!"

Vaneska and...Ian???!!!

Sure enough Ian, was no longer at our side.

"Do you think this could get any more weird?" I asked Greg.

"No way..." he replied.

"...no fucking way".

"I think it can" I said, and by God I was right.

Vaneska and Ian both crouched over Andrew and Miranda respectively, and concentrated hard.

And by 'concentrated', I mean they shat in their mouths and on their faces.

It was killer.

Andrew and Miranda not only let it go in their mouths, but ate it, gargled with it, and smeared it all over themselves, licking it up with their tongues, while masturbating furiously with the hand that wasn't propping them up.

"Shit!" said Greg.

"Exactly" I replied.

Both Ian's and Vaneska's shit was the consistency of a Mr Whippy ice cream, and it made me wonder what they had been eating.

"This is fucking crazy man!" Greg exclaimed, wiping his glasses with his tee shirt, as if that would return us to normality once he placed them back on his face.

"Do you want to leave?" i asked.

"No way".

God I love him, he's a good kid.

I wasn't really shocked, as I used to live in Holland, and had seen my fair share of 'de schijt'. Still, it was interesting... shit and milk...and some girl i was gonna add to the knifey girlfriend comp, all naked, rubbing her puckered sphincter on Andrew the nice guys waiting and eager tongue.

Miranda had forgotten all about Greg apparently, because she had her tongue rammed firmly up Ian's asshole, and I think that's normally a good sign an infatuation is over.

Ian looked like a dog I had once...it was...interesting.

I decided Vaneska and i didn't need to talk after...not even a little.

No-one else joined in, but the other 12 people in the room were all engaged in various forms of onanistic release.

It's the first time I have ever felt out of place standing in a room full of people and not jerking off.

We got out of there, but I made sure I left my name on the emailing list for future events.

Oh, glad I never got that drink in the end (so to speak).

i asked for a glass of milk.