DOKKEN video review.

HEY ALL - I KNOW THE PIX ARE ALL SCREWED UP (CHEERS BLOGGER), I'LL FIX THEM WHEN I CAN BE BOTHERED (PROBABLY NEVER).

It's been a long time since I listened to some serious L.A. hair metal, until lately that is. Def Leppard are back on high rotation (Animal), and even a bit of Lillian Ax. You will have no idea who these guys are, as you're not a real hair metal fan like me. Knowing the chorus to Every Rose has its Thorn doesn't count, especially seeing as you think it's by Bon Jovi.

So let me tell you about Dokken.

One of my friends introduced me to Limewire (peer to peer file sharing portal), so now I have Limewire, Kazaa, Morpheus, and Googlebot all out there on the interweb, raping and pillaging their way across intellectual property rights and all the things that Chrisitian soldiers everywhere hold ideal (like money and status).

And I downloaded the video for Dokken's 'In my dreams'.

Holy crap! It's got it all!!!!

Opening shot- pan down onto a dry cracked desert plain, with the shadows of clouds moving across the surface. There is a hole in the ground (to Hell? To rock and roll salvation? The longdrop?), and down we go into it.


"In my dreams it's still the same, your love is strong, it still remains"- all sung in the kind of falsetto favoured by hair metalistes since the dawn of, well...the Sunset Strip.
Then we see a human figure, being cut with an acetylene torch right out of a sheet of METAL! This clip even has tools for gods sake! Awesome!



Then the guitars kick in, and oh my god- there's Don Dokken dancing in the rain (it's the 80's remember!), with a long coat on (with tassels!!!) and a stupid Crocodile Dundee hat! Uh-oh! Open shirt, and I can see a medallion in there! The water is going everywhere, it's all dark, and I'm fully expecting to see Steve Irwin come "crikey!"-ing out of the shadows any second, and wrestling poor Don to the ground, taking away his Porsche for ever, and commenting on what a beaut he is.







Cut to Jeff Pilson (since split to work with Ronnie James Dio), headbanging away and playing an electric blue bass, in a set designed to emulate Tron, but in reality is just a black floor with white gaffer tape all over it. I can just see the guitar techs face when they asked him to do it.



Then cut again to 'Wild" Mick Brown, playing drums in the rain, with a massive Sabian (I said 'Sabian' not 'sybian' you dirty perve) gong set up behind him, because every drummer back then just wanted to be Alex van Halen.
He doesn't hit it once, but then, you knew that.



But here's the best part. We now come to 'Mr Scary' himself, George Lynch, and see how he earned his nickname. He's playing in the rain too (Jeff Pilson showing his discontent with the band early on, by having his own location), only, he's got no top on. That's OK, as we all know, George has got a killer tan. He also has a Native American feather necklace, which is used for bringing on the rain they're all in (except Jeff). But it's the way he plays his guitar that's so, well, scary.



He strokes and caresses it like Peter North does his instrument, if you know what I'm saying. It's kinda creepy to be perfectly honest. I'm not a homophobe or anything, but...well...it's just weird. He wears it so high too, which is great if you want to sound good. I never went for that, opting to wear mine down by my knees, and spend half my stage time chasing it around, and struggling to get one clean note off. That's called 'cool'.
Here's a pic of me from when I had a respectable haircut:



As Don Dokken sings "Toss and turn all night in the sheets...", we see a split screen deal going on, and fuck me dead if Jeff Pilson isn't on fire!!! No, I mean literally.
That band really must have hated the poor bastard.



"When I can't sleep. Night after night I don't know what it means, in my dreams".
Yeah Don, me neither. In fact, I don't understand a single thing you just said. Did you actually say anything?

(Readers please note: I am friends with Don Dokken in real life, and if he reads this, there is going to be Hell to pay. But rest assured, I will post up any replies I receive, so you can all share in my embarassment).

The way Don dances in this section of the video is beyond anything you've ever seen before. OK, so we know he's a good looking guy with lovely long hair, but his dancing is exactly the same as your 16 year old sister when she's had way too many wine coolers, and is trying to dance 'sexy'. The effect is utterly mesmerising, until the point where he reaches behind and under his trenchcoat, and visibly scratches his anus. If that isn't rock history, then quite frankly, I don't know what is.

I should point out at this point that Jeff Pilson is fingering high notes on his bass fretboard that have no place in the actual backing track. He also has a section where he isn't playing bass at all, just singing the backing vocal, pouting, and flicking his hair rebelliously all at exactly the same time.



I know it sounds like I'm ragging on him, but to be perfectly honest, I was in front of my mirror doing exactly the same thing in 1985. Here's me in 1985:



Cut to Don looking like he's having an orgasm...lots of lip biting and writhing.
Christ, I'd do him for sure...



...oh, and George's tiger stripe orange E.S.P. Custom guitar just flew past the window.
Yeah, I don't know why either.




More dancing from Don, and it is at this point we notice Don is holding a microphone. Apparently he's had it the whole time, but he was too busy dancing like Britney Spears (while she was 3 years old) and having orgasms in the rain to notice.
Or care.
It's metal, after all. Not a lot of "noticing" or "caring" going on in the scene that brought us that classic retort 'whatever, dude".











Guitar solo time.

George has kicked Jeff off the Tron set, and is launching into his virtuoso section, with at least 3 fingertaps in the first 5 seconds.



He's playing a camouflage E.S.P. custom. His hair is perfect.



He's holding his instrument up like it's an erect penis, and I'm sitting here fully expecting to see thick ropes of cum come shooting out of the skinny end any second.
But that's probably more a comment on me that on the video at hand. Probably because most videos I have ever seen have this kind of climactic moment around two minutes and sixteen seconds into it. What was I taking about again?



Holy shit!!!! Split screen, now there's two George's, and they're both totally pulling Blue Steel! Wait, are those cowskin trousers?



Now George is playing the fast bit- not only are there two of him, and he's flying through the sky, but he's only playing with ONE HAND!!! If there is any way this video could get any better please tell me now. Enquiring minds want to know.



Don is still dancing, nice shot of the japanese characters for "anal deviant" on Georges guitar there...



...and Mick is doing that thing where he's hitting his rack toms, and water explodes back upwards, just like in Pseudo Echo's 'Funky Town' video.



Oh my god- the absolute high point now...George is playing to a split screen, and on the screen are a bunch of hands in the air, doing the horned tribute to Satan!!!



I just wish kids knew how to do this properly though, when you put your thumb over your middle two fingers, you are closing the goats mouth, effectively silencing Satan. This is a Christian gesture, and only rocking if you're at a Stryper show (and I have been.) The correct way is to place the tip of your thumb against the tips of your middle two fingers, and creating a hole between those fingers and your palm. Mouth is open, Satan can speak. Do this at a concert and bask in the appreciative looks from all the guys in black robes up the back. It's a good feeling.





Anyway, who really cares what happens next? I just came, so I've lost interest.
I'm gonna have a sleep.

This is knifey.