Metallique - Return of the Knifey-one.

Hi knifey-fans!

Sorry for my extended absence, and for not fulfiling my obligation to help you waste time at work, and learn about history at the same time.

My excuse is: my stupid compy 100.com got sick.The tech said my network card must have come loose, making it impossible to access my modem, but I know for a fact it was the fall from my window that killed it.

I'm back now, with a newer, shinier, and faster computer. So you can all relax, kick back, and come on a journey with me back in time...*mist billows over screen, then parts to reveal-*

The year was 1987, and I'm in my trailer (yes, I lived in a trailer), holding a black record cover. I have a mullet, just like Bruce Dickinson from Iron maiden. I know it's just like it because I paid my hairdresser at the Coastlands Shopping Plaza $60 specifically to imitate it from a copy of 'Metal Hammer' magazine i brought in with me. I have acid wash jeans on, and a pink tee shirt that has some tenuous link to surfing. My sneakers are white high tops...made by L.A. Gear. I am a bogan, and I am drunk.

I slip out the vinyl, and I place it on my turntable. It smells incredible. From the first note to the last, i can't stop myself from singing along at the top of my lungs, occasionally punching the air, or throwing up my goats to the horned one.
I had to wash 30 cars to buy this album, and I walked 6 kilometres each way to pick it up. In the goddamn rain.

Oh my God...it was Bon Jovi's 'Slippery When Wet', and I still love it as much tonight, as I did back then.

If you want the truth for once, I'll have to admit something pretty embarassing...
A lot of people I know are very musically savvy, and if you ask them who the artists that most influenced them were, they will tell you "Television", "Tom Waits", or "Elvis Costello".

But you know what? Mine were Bon Jovi, Def Leppard, Dio, Whitesnake, Judas Priest, Van Halen, Poison, Warrant, and every other group that people try to remember when putting together 'embarassing music of the 80's compilations' for a party. And a few others you have never heard of too (Like 'Lillian Ax' and 'The Bullet Boys').

Sure, I like a few things that people would generally never guess, like Bonnie Raitt, DJ Die, and P.I.L.But I'm a bona fide musical retard, and there's no point trying to even pretend otherwise.

I had every poster of Bon Jovi you could get. I used to buy 'Smash Hits' and "Seventeen' magazine, just to get the damn things. I wanted Jon's hair so bad, I can taste the hairspray. My friends questioned my sexuality.

I never went to High School, I used to sit in my trailer and practice my Van Halen two-handed fingertaps, and my Angus Young bends. They tried to suspend me, but they couldn't find me to tell me. It ruled.

'Rainbow in the Dark' by Dio, 'Turbo Lover' by Judas Priest...oh God, they still blow my mind wide apart! And don't even get me started on 'All We Are' by Warlock!!!

When you go to Cherry Bar, and Kerrie, Helen, or Mary play 'Prime Mover' by Zodiac Mindwarp and the Love Reaction, you probably throw your hands up in an orgy of ironic dumb song appreciation, right?

I get so excited I have to close my eyes and concentrate to not make pee pee in my jeans, I'm so happy. I relate to that song in a big way. That's the difference between us, right there.

But if these confessions haven't put you off one day making sweet love to me, check this one out-

I like Stryper.

Yeah, I said it! I don't like them because it's cool to like weird things like huge stadium Christian metal acts nowadays, i like them because the drums on 'To Hell with the Devil' kick so much ass it's no longer quantifiable, because that bass lick in 'Shining Star' is so smooth it makes Julio Iglesias look like an amateur, because the vocal harmonies on 'Calling on you' are so perfect, and I like them because Oz Fox's solo in 'Lady' makes we want to get my heart broken afresh, just to get a full feel for the song.

Is anyone still there?
*tumbleweeds roll across screen*.

Hey, wait a minute! What am I saying???
I was owning back then!
I mean, what were the alternatives? Frankie Goes To Hollywood? Milli Vanilli? I was a freakin maven of style! I was like, a leader of the musical revolution! I was rocking the hypercolour undies a full summer before you bought any!

I was doing 'The Kings of Leon' almost 2 decades before they appeared on the style radar. And the hilarious thing was, it wasn't by choice! My Mother would make me wear stupid stripey collared shirts and brush my mullet like they do.Just imagine how amazing i was!

Plus, I got to sit in Knight Rider and get my photo taken.

I take it all back- my musical pedigree is beyond reproach.Besides, I studied both Western and eastern Classical schools in University, so I'm basically an expert.

If only I knew back in those tender teen years, how true those metal lyrics would become, when applied to my own life years later...'Up All Night (sleep all day)' by Slaughter is like my mantra of late *yawns*.

And after my next blog entry, 'Wanted Dead or Alive' by Bon Jovi will probably be my eternal theme song. Stay tuned...knifey's up to no good again!
I promise it will be worth it!!!

In the meantime, I know you like it when I post pictures from my travels, and also when I talk about sexy stuff, so here's a red-hot painting I found at my friend Toby's house in Prahran...






Clearly, it's cum.Yum!

I'll also throw in a couple of pix of Toby, coz he's totally like, who I want to be when I grow up...he might melt your computer with his stone cold hotness.











Sweet dreams spunky kids.






This is knifey, from 'the internet'.