The Girlfriend Auditions Continue...

So, if you read this or this, you'd know I've been auditioning for the role of 'girl who gets to have a lot of orgasms and be my woman'.

Big shouts to Jess at Ausculture for this post, where she not only wrote, recorded, and performed a song she wrote both for and about me, but she simultaneously made my day doing it. It's called 'knifey wifey'.

But as usual, nothing is simple in knifeyland, so here's my update.

Contestant Number One (Codename: One-horse Politico)...

...who had been previously eliminated for being down with one of my two non-negotiable dealbreakers, has been so totally reinstated, as I can't get her out of my freakin' head, even though all concerned know it will definitely end in tears (mine).

She's so back in the race, she'll need that Lamborghini she used to drive, just to keep me from catching her.

Contestant Number Two (Codename: Felice from The Middle East)...

...had been sick, and uncontactable, but she's better now.

As healthy as she is though, I haven't asked her out on any dates.
Why? See above...

Contestant Number Three (Codename: "I can't believe it's not Adalita!")...

...was going to visit me next weekend, but i asked her not to, after discovering her love for marijuana.

This is a love we definitely do not share, because, well, I think it's disgusting.

Call me a bastard if you like (I heard that), but I don't care how great we are together. If you're a stoner, you can do it someplace where I ain't.

We almost had a couple of new contestants also!

But I eliminated them on the spot, just because I'm crazy and spontaneous.

They were:

Contestant Number Four (Codename: "Cherry Pie")...

...is a hot young filly who works the cash register at my local supermarket.

She reeled me in in that way that only young girls can, where they are so obvious and full of themselves, and totally aware of their sexual power, you can almost see the haze from your pheremones mingling and dropping to the floor to fuck each other. Hot.

Cons:

• Not a brunette. More sandy than brunette. Definitely not black.
  

• I might get arrested for the priveledge.
  

• Dude! She's a checkout-chick fer chrissakes!
  

Pros:

• That tongue stud has my name on it. Major tongue fetish over here!
  

Contestant Number Five (Codename: "Scat-orgy Vaneska")...

If you saw this post, you will already know who Vaneska is.

I haven't even bothered giving her a real alias, I don't really care if she finds out I'm writing about her.

Cons:

I saw her feed one of my old friends her ice-cream consistency shit, straight from her ass.

Pros:

There are no 'pros'. I don't care how intensely hot and fetish she looked. There's no coming back from that. The milk was a nice touch though...

But here's the dumb news:

You know what? I thought this would be a good idea, and we could all have some fun, and you could come on some dates with me, and we could laugh at how funny I am and marvel at how smooth I am with the ladies.

But the truth of the situation is, it's starting to hurt really bad, and I guess I've lost confidence in the idea that there is anyone out there I could actually like.

Yeah, yeah, I know I have a list of dealbreakers a mile long.

I know this.

But I'm just being honest.

The real fact of the matter is that people pretty much disgust me, and I will never get my head around the fact that I am so totally unbelievably different to everyone else I have ever met, I think maybe I'm from another freakin' reality altogether.

I like being by myself.

I don't like being around people really at all.

If I do like it, it's only for a very short amount of time.

I'm not sure I know how to love any more. It was so easy when I was 22. I'd just hand my heart over to anybody, anytime. I had a lot of heart back then.

But now I don't feel like there's any left, and all I want to do is hide away from this world and do dumb shit like draw pictures people will never see, and write songs no-one will ever hear, and when I die someone from a cleaning agency will come in and throw it all in a dumpster, and there's the entirety of my life right there.

This was meant to be a happy blog entry, and I wanted to hopefully make you laugh, or tell you something interesting, but instead I'm emotionally vomiting all over you, and I'd be amazed if any of you are even reading to this point.

So I guess this entry is for me, and it's saying

"knifey- give it up, man".

I don't know when I became this overly complicated and evidently unlovable 6'2" black hermit-crab, it snuck up behind me, and sucker punched me when I was looking breathlessly into the future.

And one by one all the fantasies you had as a kid, or as a young adult, they just get further and further away until you realise they were never going to be yours, that they were the scenery from someone else's life, shimmering majestically in the distance.

And the more you map your own emotional geography, the more you realise you can't, because all of a sudden, you're not a kid any more, and it's incredibly complex all of a sudden.

Oh well. If that's life, then that's how it is.

There's still plenty of beauty and wonder and fascination and interest and knowledge out there. I'll just keep looking to that, and hopefully add a little of my own to this cute little bluey-green planet, before it all gets swallowed by the sun.

If you want to see something really beautiful and simple and carefree and real, poke your head in here.

And leave her comments, and tell her she's beautiful.


This is knifey, from 'the internet'.