I have a weird problem.
I have a 5Tb hard drive that I keep all of my bullshit on. Old pictures, abandoned musical projects, budgets from 2006... so many things.
I also have an identical drive that I back up all that information on. Despite trying my best to be careful about the whole thing, somehow one drive has 26Gb less available storage than the other one, and I can't see why.
I know, I know. You don't care about this nerdy shit- you came here to get off, and believe me, that's normal. When I was combing through the minutiae of this hard drive in question, I found something. It was an old text document from 15 years ago, containing my FETLIFE bio.
For those of you who can't get an erection or are suffering through menopause, FetLife is a social networking website that serves people interested in BDSM, fetishism, and kink. It distinguishes itself from competitors by emphasizing itself as a social network rather than a dating site.[3]
Every blue-haired girl with a split tongue you have ever seen at the supermarket is on there, demanding you pay her money to piss on you, so of course the appeal was beyond magnetic. Actually, I wonder if there are any women on there now that OnlyFans exists? I don't know. I don't care enough to go look.
I'm gonna be honest here (which strikes me as something one would say if they weren't being honest before), but I have been single for 15 years now. I did date two people in that time. The first was the Penthouse Pet of the Year, who I met at the strip club I used to work at over 13 years ago. She had amazing taste in music, was very pretty, and had a body that made my brain make the Windows 95 shut down noise every time I saw it. But she was very conceited and not very nice as a person, and I don't like that. So I got out of there in under 2 weeks, and ignored every text message she subsequently sent me. She still has my Star Wars tee shirt she wore when she'd sleep over, but I figure that's a small price to pay for my sanity and self respect.
The second was some kind of administrator for a medical company who pounced on me at a dive bar I should never have gone to last year. I took her on one date, and she immediately declared her undying love for me. But the vibes were off. She was... inconsistent. It's hard to explain, but when I was messaging one of the bar staff on Instagram after I'd moved on, they told me everyone there thought she was loco crazy, and had for a very long time. I'm a magnet for all the wrong things, and it scares me to contemplate what that says about me.
Anyway, I'm going through this hard drive, and I found this Fet Life bio, from when I put myself out there over a decade ago. I had gone through so many changes, and didn't want to go down the usual dating site route. I got off Tinder after a couple of weeks because the whole concept terrified me, and now it's 2026 and we can see the fallout from what happens when you attempt to monetise peoples sexuality, and the breakdown in the culture that spread out from that cultural moment in time. Reading this bio, being the person I've become, I just laughed and laughed at this big dumb idiot and his thoughts and his (at that time) undiagnosed AUDHD, BPD, DID, CPTSD, and a whole fucking galaxy of trauma-initiated personality disorders. I think it's important to be honest about when we've been big dumb idiots, so I'm flying that flag here. I'm going to post it, which is extra funny because it's very much like reading your entire 300 page manifesto in a loud and confident voice in an empty room after the apocalypse when there's no one left to hear you. People don't read blogs any more. Maybe that's for the best.
There were a few of my (in my opinion) more entertaining posts from this blog in that drive too, and reading them made me miss typing out my thoughts and feelings. Made me want to come back here and drop this bio, because it seems to be the perfect place for it. It's cringe, and it's earnest, and the tone veers wildly from earnest to condescending and back, and it so perfectly illustrates what a colossal moron I am, and the mistakes I have historically made in public.
Here we go. My FetLife bio from 2012, by knifey from the internet:
I'm going to write this as if you're like me, as if you already know my deal, like you're from my planet...
I wrote "Daddy" in my bio because being a Daddy is fun and rewarding and intimate in its own peculiar way, but not because it's the be-all and end-all of who I am. But you get that, I know. And I say "peculiar", as a substitute for particular, because particular denotes a singularity of purpose, and we've already established I'm not one thing. No-one really is, we just say we are.
So why am I here, what do I want?
I'm looking for someone who is peculiar and not singular too. Someone who may identify as a thing, but who is open to, dare I say, even *craves* to fluidly transition from that thing into other things, and only after it's happened, for them to say "Wow,I had no idea that was in me." No maps.
A lot of people (but not you, I know) see this place as a catalogue of fetish categories, and while some are microscopically specific about their wants, and can email you a phone book of things they desire/wish for/demand; I'm not that. I don't want to read a book when I know the ending.
I'm excited at the prospect of two strangers who sense each other in a subconscious way, who have magnetism, pheremones that can stream through the internet; and what they can discover about each other and themselves when given a space to let go of all pretense, and be who they really are. Someone who actively wants to destroy their artifice. Someone who is excited at the prospect of being known, of ignoring their fears, and the rewards that come with that.
Someone who will let another human care for them- that care being undefined, but discovered together. I want to make something more than sweat or a bruise. Collectively giving birth to trust is an incredible aphrodisiac. Sex is easy, connection is hard. Letting go, being known, daring to be vulnerable- those things take guts, and just because society sees us a perverts or weird, or everything they wish they could openly be; none of those labels preclude us from feelings or reality or love.
Love has many forms, but then you know that too.
I have taken a few years off from people, until very recently. I wanted to know me, and I couldn't do that while I was being interrupted by others. I am happy alone, I don't need people for anything. But I have enjoyed some people in the past, and the time has come to see if anyone has what it takes to ignite that in me again.
I don't have a map, I don't want a map. I want to enter a room with someone I have never met and see something new and honest. And if it's new enough and honest enough, I may very well want to do it again, and see how far we can push it. See what we can make. See how real it gets.
Hello.
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So in the spirit of fairness, I thought it may be prudent to talk a little about things that I'm not into, as a lot of nice people write to me on here, and I don't want to waste anyone's time. I understand I'm not an oil painting myself (although Bosch painted in oils, didn't he?), so I'm not trying to be conceited. Just honest.
1. I don't have time for bratty girls. I understand everyone has their kinks, and I respect that and don't judge, however it's not on my list, and it's an instant turn off for me. I don't reward bratty behaviour, I walk away from it. I've dated so many centrefolds and models in my life, who assumed incorrectly that their looks guaranteed my attention. It didn't, and I refuse to starve my intellect or morals again.
2. FinDom really strains my desire to not judge, both subs and doms involved. I just can't respect it in an age where we should all be striving for equality. And while there will be some who will wish to point out the power balance in FinDom does equal some kind of equality, to that I say "Nope." It's prostitution, (which is fine, because it's honest). Just be real about what you're doing.
3. If you are in a relationship of any kind that isn't open, please don't message me. If you can't be honest with your partner about being here, I don't want to encourage you to stay. Also, if you are in an open relationship, please don't write to me thinking I will fill in all of the gaps where your partner doesn't. I've noticed there is a never ending waterfall of attractive women who are in unsatisfactory relationships, who think FetLife is their own personal boredom-buster. I don't exist to entertain you. And I'm definitely not your shoulder to cry on, or ear to listen to you, when your partner should be those things. If you're here because you're bored, please don't infect me with your boredom. Have a think about what you have to offer, and find someone who offers things that you in turn would love. Doesn't that sound nice?
4. Lipstick. This will preclude me from pretty much every imaginable interaction with a female, and I'm good with that. It contains cancer causing chemicals, can kill unborn children, is responsible for massive deforestation and environmental destruction (leading to the unnecessary deaths of countless species, including Orang Utang through the demand for Palm Oil), and is a throwback to a time when people thought smearing whale fat across their face was somehow new and interesting. People still continue this culture of lipstick through indoctrination by family members and advertising, passing it from older family members to younger, and propagating the myth that it equates to personal power or glamour. It's just pointless and disgusting, and if you've never thought about why you do it before, hopefully now you will. "What about sustainable/vegan lipstick?" I've been asked a thousand times. Other women who see you wearing it, and for whom you wearing it further normalizes and legitimizes the concept, will have no idea that it's ethical. They will just want to find that shade for themselves, and the cycle continues. Also, even if you do ethically source your lipstick, it's still ugly and pointless." Imagine back in antiquity if someone had decided it was glamorous to paint your ears red with the crushed bodies of ants. And over time, humanity found other ways to duplicate that colour and texture. And now, you have earstick marketed to you from birth, even by your own family members. It has become an accepted lie that is makes you powerful, like "diamonds are a girl's best friend." It's just marketing, and you've never asked yourself why you swallow it wholesale. The difference between lipstick and earstick is that in intimate situations, people are more likely to interact with your mouth, so smearing coloured grease across it works against you when you encounter people who don't share your pointless fascination with doing what they're told by people they have never met in order to enrich them for no good reason. It's just a proclamation that you are incapable of thinking for yourself, one of the least sexy traits I can imagine. I do understand that some people fetishise it, and I believe we don't choose our kinks, so if that's you, I'm not judging you for a thing you have no control over. But for me, it equals an instant deal breaker.
5. Smoking. Anything. Ever. Enough has been written about this already, but for me if someone chooses to partake in this, I see it as a billboard advertising their inabilty to think critically, to make healthy choices, to care for their fellow humans and the environment, or to stop and think that they not only make themselves smell and taste disgusting for no reason, but that they are inconveniencing others also. It's also the ultimate in pointless consumerism, as it offers no benefits whatsoever, but costs an enormous amount of money. Money is a disease. If that last sentence leaves you wondering how someone could say such a thing, thanks for reading this far, but it's time for you to go.
I keep seeing people writing about how they find intelligence attractive, but the truth is, people think they do, until they meet someone who actually thinks about consequences or analyses our reasons for doing things. Then, when it means they are held to a higher standard, it all becomes way too hard, and they invariably seek reintegration into the Matrix. I have never had a problem attracting beautiful, intelligent, and successful women, my problem has been finding someone who shares my level of focus and who believes the point of living is to use this whisper of time we have, slung between two eternities, to try to grow and understand the gift we have been given. Not to create pointless wealth to allow us to purchase unnecessary things (especially those with someone else's name on them), and to attempt to gain status over each other.
I have no faith the person I seek is out there to be honest, but if you are, isn't it high time we connected? It must be lonely as hell out there for you if you think like I do.
*Fires flare*
