Personal Ads you will Never See...

Being stuck at home with a back injury has left me with nothing but time to browse the net, looking at people, and of course, judging the crap out of them.

Have you ever looked at a personal ad or the like, and had a totally different commentary running through your head, than the one they're trying to feed you?

SAME!!!

So here's my rundown, of the 30 personal ads, you will never, ever see.


1. Hey wzup PEEEPZ! Im Roxy and i luv da clubz! Luv j-lo an britney 2. U no wat 2 do! don b a hata u no im hot,lol! i gotz no brane! YEAH!!!


2. Hi, I enjoy computers and surfing the net. I haven't had sex in 6 years, and to be honest I'm pretty desperate. I have deep seated emotional issues, and I'm not at all interested in facing them. I am living a fantasy, hoping someone will look at my pic and tell me I'm gorgeous, when we all know that will never happen.
PS- I am a witch, and I'm holding the phone upside down.


3. Hello! Here I am with my cat! So that means no guy is going to write to me, because guys all know girls who pose with cats are lonely and desperate. If I posed with a dog, my inbox would fill up in 3 minutes! But no, stupid spinster-ish me had to go find the cat and drag his nasty ass in front of the camera. Oh well..goodbye.


4. Yo, I'm Mike, and I just got out of prison. I've got a big hard dick, and its HARD, 4 real. H.A.R.D. Laydeez, you know what time it is...it's DICK TIME. In your ass too, coz that's how I do nowadaze. I'ma doggystyle y'all til your ass gets a Mike shaped bruise up on it. Hit me up quick bitch, before I turn up at your crib and give it to y'all anyways. Respect the dick. I love Jesus yo.


5. Yeah, my name is Mandy, and I'm totally high maintenance. I live at home with my parents, even though I'm 26. I'm basically looking for a guy who will take me out in a Lexus or a BMW SUV, and buy me whatever I want. I won't sleep with you, even if you're hot. My vagina has sealed over, from all the shit I think all day. I pretty much just want to use you, and you can be seen with me on your arm. If you fuck anyone else though, I will get my daddy to kill you. My hobbies are shopping, and saying "no". I am literally wearing jeans as a top.


6. Hey! I'm Bec, and I'm 12. I like boys lol! I like the beach! And sleepovers! What the fuck am I doing on here???!!!


7. My name is Jodi an i like partyin and boys. I live on the Gold Coast, and...yeah. I want to do hair and makeup at TAFE. I have 23 kids. I am 56 years old.


8. Check out my fuckin' TITS!!!!
Everywhere I go, guys go APESHIT and want to FUCK MY ASSHOLE!!! So COME ON!!! I'm totally NAKED RIGHT NOW!!! I'm FINGERING MY PUSSY, thinking of YOU!!! I was RAPED when i was 12 by my COUSIN, and ever since I've been acting like a SLOBBERING CUM BEAST. Someone please see through all this HORNY SHIT and save me, because i seriously think I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF!!! I'm LOSING ALL HOPE IN HUMANITY!!! Oh FUCK!!! FUUUUUCKKKK!!!!!


9. Hi! My names Briget, and I have a boyfriend, who I love (Hi James!) So what am I doing here? Well, obviously, I don't love James as much as I say I do, and I'm waiting for some confident, up-himself, gym-buff demi-god to send me a message, so I can meet up secretly and eventually dump James' sorry ass. Love ya baby!


10. Hi! Im Melb Chick who love's to Party and party hard!! Im a fun-loving, out-going, wild, crazy girl, always looking for a good time!!! Family comes first. Translation: I live in a tiny world, and have no interest in replying to 99.9% of you. I am judgemental and sceney to the extreme, and struggle through the misapprehension  that I'm better than everybody else. I have terrible taste in music and would die if I worse something without a label on it. In short, don't bother, unless you're Brad Pitt. No, seriously...don't.


11. HEY HEY HEY.... im Sarah whats doin i like having fun chattin away and laughing! tis all good sooo um yeah i like stuff and guys lol. You would have to be a brianless turd to reply to me, you really would.


12. I'm Melissa 19 female from Morayfield, Brisbane I'm single & looking :P so if you're interested give me a buzz I might like to get to know u hehe ;) I'm a manager in hospitality, still live @home, do freestyle break dancing, I love techno music =) Read this again- Brisbane, lives at home, techno music. You're still going to message me though, because I'm fucking perfect looking. Life's crazy like that.


13. Hey! I am a serial rapist, looking for ditzy and generally stupid females to meet in private, out of the way places, drug, and of course, assault sexually. Hit me back soon, I can hardly wait!


14. hey people i am a mum of 2 beautiful babies. i'm on here because i need to still feel attractive, and since the babies came i couldn't give less of a crap about my husband if i tried. don't get me wrong, he's really supportive and loves me, but suddenly I DON'T CARE. he just gets in the way of time with my babies, and is too demanding and jealous.i love my babies. my babies. babies.


15. I'm from Australia, sydney. I sing opera, classical and musical theatre. I do karate and drive (apparently) way too fast...Clearly I'm making all this up. i never leave the house, and am horrifically obese. I'm the chick that put that pic up with the cat before actually. You probably guessed. Clearly that's not my photo.


16. I'm a relaxed, easy going gal. I enjoy having a good laugh with anyone, and I do mean ANYONE. I love people that I can just talk to about anything. I'm very open and can be caring, when I feel like it, joking. If you wanna talk, just message me. I AM DESPERATE.


17. heeey! here is a pic of me with my daughter! I know! I may as well stuff a rotting fish up my cunt and post that! kids = single biggest turn-off in history! do you want to come home with me and fuck, but get interrupted halfway through when my four year old walks in and needs his mummy? of course you don't!
i'm also a mormon!


18. im a very kind loving person looking for someone to hang out with i just wanna get out and have lots of fun which any girl would wanna do i love partying and hopefully i can meet some new people from here just to hang out with and party on. actually i'm very sensitive and have never been to a party. i don't have any friends, and i think i'm a lesbian. i really hate myself, and this is my last attempt at being normal before i lose it completely. i can't take this rejection any more, and i'm so tired of lonely nights crying at home. why don't boys like me? the crazy thing is one day when i lose this acne and all the extra weight, and learn to dress well, guys are gonna be falling over each other to get a piece of me, but i will be totally frozen and career-oriented by then. what a waste.


19. Hello! You're looking at my picture, and you were just about to go to the next profile when you realised that despite the fact I'm really fat, I look like a really genuine, nice, and beautiful person. And now you're conflicted and you hate yourself. Because, even though we both know you're not gonna click 'yes' and contact me, you know you're missing out on knowing one of the only people in this world who would accept you as you are, and would never judge you...just support and care about you. Oh well!


20. I am utterly gorgeous, and I know it. I like interior design, fashion, dancing, film, and travel. There is not one person on this site that I would ever reply to, and it is that fact that makes the other 13,000 people on here hate my guts. Life would be so much better if my profile wasn't on here, but it is, just to make you all feel dissed. You want me so bad. Creep.


21. The most important thing to know about me is that Christ is #1 in my life. I study theology and am interested in keepin healthy & fit! You've gone, haven't you? I'm all alone, saying this to myself...


22. Well, here I am WITH MY DOG! Thing is, you're not stupid, and you can tell from the look on his little face that he doesn't like me, heck, he barely knows me! Our only interaction is usually when i kick him out of the way. I'm not smiling, and I have way too much black eye makeup on. I'm a bitch. You know it, I know it. That's fine, you're a piece of shit anyway.


23. Hi my name is Luisa and i'm from melbourne vic. My bf and i thought this might be a good way to meet new people. Just click yes if you're interested.We hold parties at our apartment where you can watch us eat each others shit, or you can eat ours, or we can even eat yours. we're very serious about this. we also enjoy 'watersports', and sex with reptiles.


24. Wow! I'm so fucking cute it's a mystery of physics how i haven't just exploded! You know I can chat to anyone, and laugh, and the conversation never runs out. You know I don't mind splitting the bill, and I have my own car, and I'm so cool and genuine and awesome that you're shitting your pants with fear right now. Because you're on here to find and have as many worthless, meaningless, empty relationships and/or sexual encounters as you can, due to your inabilty to deal with the reality of your life. And here I am, totally the kind of girl you secretly dream about marrying, in your face and available, and you are too chicken to ever get in contact.


25. what up world??? i couldnt care less of what you thought but this is kinda funny me and ma girls just playin around lots of love Teesha xox actually, clearly i care, that's why i'm doing it. what i mean to say is, although i act brassy and like a don't care, the truth is i'm a lot smarter than the people i hang out with, and a lot more sensitive, though i have to hide it to get along. i really want to be loved.


26. I could type anything right now, and you wouldn't care. I could write that I eat my own snot every chance I get, and you'd think it was hot. I don't even need to write anything, my picture says it all. Words just get in the way anyway, right? Because right now you're totally preoccupied thinking "how does such a perfect looking girl post a pic on a dating site??!" There you go, pressing 'send', living that dream...


27. You hate me so much right now. I look like a supermodel, and I can't even be fucked looking at the camera, let alone smiling. And you hate me because we both know I don't need to smile, or even try, and the replies will come kickassing in like there's no tomorrow. Life's not fair, and you're ugly. Deal with it. Oh, and don't write to me.


28. Heelo! I know the rules about posing with cats, but this one's different, coz I look like I am sneaking up on it, and am about to give it the fright of its life, or maybe it looks like you just caught me sucking my cats cock, and he's died it felt so good, and now you're hoping you're next.


29. If I was anyone else, you'd be telling me to get out of the way.


30. We have nothing in common, but you'd still gladly catch herpes off me and die if it meant you could diddle me for one second. You would jeopardise your marriage and your relationship with your children for ever if I smeared just a little of this pink lipstick on your hard cock. You would endure hours of death metal in my bedroom for this. And you wouldn't even care that I'm a pre-operative transexual. You can suck MY dick baby. And you so would.


*As with all my posts, this all says a lot more about me than it does any of the poor innocent people who's photos I have used here...

Just to be clear, none of these personal ads actually exist, and none of the pictures I have taken from personal ads have any relevance to what I have written, except that I used them.

They're probably all lovely people...etc.etc...


This is knifey, from 'the internet', and the hospital.