Monday, February 28, 2005

The Next Big Thing (Again)...

As you all know, I flat out refuse to do what I'm told.

When Zach de La Rocha screamed "Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me!", by Christ I was listening!

When Dee Snider yelled "I wanna rock!", I was already there waiting with a bottle of Jack and a stripper named La-la.

And when Paul Stanley sang "I wanna rock and Roll all night, and party every day!", I had just gotten back from a full year of doing that, and was about to have a power nap before he convinced me otherwise.

I pretty much do what I want basically, and you? Well, you LOVE IT.

And why wouldn't you?

I envy you guys. I really do.

If you wanna know what's cool this week, all you have to do is come up in here, and ole knifey will tell ya.

Never mind magazines, and newspaper style sections. Forget fashion week, and the Billboard Charts.

Why?

Because they're wrong!

And I am so, so right.

Case in point:

My painfully stylish friend, who is not only a model, but is a model FROM PARIS almost crapped in her pants when she saw a photo of me, circa 1989, wearing:

  • Skin tight acid wash Levi's, with the knees ripped out
  • Ugg boots
  • A Vision Streetwear tee shirt that was vintage even then.
  • Eddie Van Halen in the video for 'Panama' hairdo
  • An Einsturzende Neubauten tattoo
  • Drunk, and
  • Out of my head on heroin.

All of these icons of style have come and gone in the decade since, but you all know who invented them- me.

I invented pretty much everything as a matter of fact, except:

  • Smoking
  • Having sexual relations with animals
  • Being old
  • Body odour, and
  • Diarrhoea.

All of these things were invented by other people, who are clearly totally inferior to me, and have no innate sense of style.

I seriously have fashion designers come up to me on the street, in total awe, saying "I loooove your WALK! Where did you learn to walk like that?!" "Milan" is my usual reply, but that is a lie. I have never been to Milano, only to Florence, and that was for the anal sex, not for fashion. Although, anal sex is totally making a comeback, but that's behind, I mean, beside the point right now. Cum. Back. Anal.

Point is, I get asked to do runway stuff all the time, but I always decline. "Let the new kids have a go", I say.

I have had 6 girlfriends who were fashion designers, but I'm not telling you who they were. You can tell for yourself, just look for 6 designers who have big smiles and walk funny, and that'll be them.

I have dated countless models (I say that coz models generally can't count), and have lived the kind of 'behind the velvet rope' cocaine soaked existence most can only dream of.

Kate Moss? Sure, I pashed her.

So seeing as I'm so utterly cool I have the North Pole for a penile gland, I'll tell you what's coming back into fashion...

SHRED.

Anticlimax, right?

Most of you poindexter-ass motherfuckers didn't even know what shred was the first time!!!

God I'm patient... *sighs*

Shred= totally pyrotechnic/explosive/pants meltingly hot guitar playing.

Some people say that shred is just wanking on a guitar.

I say, people who say that can't shred (like i can).

Besides, WHAT'S WRONG WITH WANKING?!

It felt pretty nice last time I did it (I usually get others to take care of it for me though, as you know.) I'm a busy guy.

There are lots of jealous little indie-shoegazer mummy's boys who can only play 6 chords, and 5 of them are minor, and they hate it when shredders rock the spot, coz we all know guys who blaze on the guitar get all the girls, all the time, like 24/7, and 4 eva.

Do you think gary Moore got girls because he looked cute? (Because he didn't).

Imagine the oldest, dried up, flaky, stinky seafood piece of crap you can.

Now imagine THAT took a crap, and you've got Strongbad. I mean, GARY MOORE.

Clearly, Gary ain't getting no action from the ladies, especially with that pretty boy Phil Lynott floating around. (If you have no idea who I am talking about, kill yourself now, because your existence is shameful and embarassing to the whole idea of being cool and rocking out).

No, Gary got the girls by BLAZING LIKE A BANSHEE FROM HELL ON THE 6-STRING MOTHERFUCKER !!!

And as good as Gary was, he couldn't even shred!

So who did shred?

Well, that's easy!

There was me, of course.

And apart from me, there was Yngwie Malmsteen, Vinnie Moore, Joe Satriani, Steve Vai, Jason Becker, Paul Gilbert, and a bunch of other dudes with real nice hair....most of whom are Italian for some reason.

Contrary to popular belief, and as sweet as he is, Kirk Hammet was never an exponent of shred, even though he was a student of Joe Satriani. He also sucks at writing solos. Suxxx.

So your homework, is to go get as many illegal downloads of Racer X, Yngwie Malmsteen and Rising Force, Mr Big (first album), Steve Vai (post Frank Zappa band), Satch, and anyone who played a seven stringed Ibanez as you can.

New guys to listen out for, who you have never heard of before are Francesco Fareri, and Rusty Cooley.

Google them now, I DARE YOU !!!

Listen to some of Rusty's stuff, close your eyes, and just imagine you're flying through the air on your pegasus/unicorn, with lightning bolts shooting out of your eyes, killing all the enemy knights and making all the fair maidens want to put their hands all over your shiny electric guitar from God himself, with Hellfire kickassing out behind you, and a Mountain of MESA Triple Rectifiers screaming feedback so loud Satan and all his demons quake in fear of your awesome and majestic infernal guitar wizardry.

That's what I do, anyways...


Hell yeah- the PEGAKORN !!!

Now seeing as I'm totally honest, and I would never lead you astray, I'll tell you the downside to shredding.

The drums and the basslines all, and without exception, suck like there is no tomorrow.

It's so 'all about the guitar', that the drums and the bass end up kinda riding behind on mules, and with no superpowers at all...and the mules only have one leg. And it's broken.

But hey, who said anything had to be perfect, right?

Yeah, I know...apart from ME.

In other news, if you want to make me really happy, and you're good at making stuff out of plastic, feel free to make me a trigger-guard to put over the caps lock button on my keyboard.

I get so excited telling you all how awesome i aM I END UP DOING THIS ALL THE TIME, oR eVEN wORSE...tHIS!

I spend so much time going over my posts cutting out unwanted crapslocks that I run low on time to laugh at my own jokes.

And that just sux.

I don't know why, but i woke up today after only 3 hours of sleep, in a TOTALLY FURIOUS MOOD and I don't know why.

My optical mouse made the mistake of thinking it could piss me off by not working, which, although it achieved its objective, also achieved total annihilation at my hand also.

I smushed it good.

So when I get my new crapslocks trigger guard, i would like a back massage, and maybe a penis massage also.

Please register your interest in the usual manner.


This is knifey, from 'the internet', and I LOVE YOU.

16 comments:

Kitten said...

If I had a nickel for everytime I did something illegal with "Surfing With The Alien" as the soundtrack..I'd have a lot of GD nickels.

Shred on.

Dxxxx said...

Haha you warm my heart Knifey when you start talking about the good old days WHEN METAL RULED THE WORLD !!!!

(I saw a doco when I went to LA last year called just that, with interviews with fat old bangers like Vince Neil & Sebastian Bach etc, and although it was a little disturbing to see them as overweight 40 somethings.... it was fantastic to go back in time & revisit)

It's been many years since I witnessed a 15 minute guitar wankfest - maybe yours will be the first !!

knifey said...

hell yeah dxxxx!!!

i will shoot my creamy licks over you for at least 15 minutes, and aftwerward we will dress like vikings and eat raw meat off a living tyrannasaur!!!

4 eva!!!

kitten, you're just naughty (but i love you girl).

knifey said...

scroll back up guys, i did a picture, and it's awesome.

knifey said...

and a link...

You've Got What I Need... said...

Hmmm.... as in "shredding"? Because that skill comes in handy whilest stir frying as well...

heheheheee... BAD JOKE!

You've Got What I Need... said...

I'm all shivery over your PEGACORN! Or, UNISUS... whatever.

knifey said...

it's got a hella sexy ass, am i right, or what??!!!

You've Got What I Need... said...

More of a pointy end fan myself...

knifey said...

yes, i've heard that about you!

You've Got What I Need... said...

No... go on!

Mores the pity that, for I've heard you're saving yourself for the nuptual bed.

*sigh*

bou said...

gimme some aural proof of this rock hard shred...stat

aughra said...

Glad to see someone admitting that Hammet ain't shit. And Mustaine was kicked out of that band? The hell?

knifey said...

bou-

http://www.myspace.com/knifeyard

listen to 'black hearts'.
if you know anyone who can play faster than that, i'll let you have your way with me.

god i'm awesome!

Psst, it's me! said...

I feel so uncool after reading this! Shredding, dislocating models' hips, explosive pants. I am so far outside the circle of coolness. What could possibly add to my current lack of coolness? Maybe that I enjoyed the phrase, "I smushed it good" immensely.

knifey said...

you're cool because i desperately want to have sexual relations with you.

see how that works?