Thursday, February 24, 2005

Blog Post! Coming Through!

I got sent a very special message today, and I'd like to share it with all of you.

It goes a little something like this:

i am weak......
you are always my fantasy. i hate fucking these stupid indie kids, they are nothing compared to you. they do not turn me on. their hands like delicate birds upon my body, their thrusting too gentle ,too polite. in their eyes i see more kindness than hunger, for they are just boys.
i like men, men like you.

Now, I think this is great, and I wish more ex-lovers would send me this kind of thing.

I could start a sexual curriculum vitae, and hand it in to hot prospective bosses.

Or I could just print them out, and hand them out to people on the street, saying "Vote for me! Numero Uno in the bedroom!"

Also I'm hellaciously stoked, because no-one has ever called me a "man" before (to my face).

I was thinking about this today.

I was at a Thai restaurant, looking out the window, and adoring the cool breeze coming through the window, and blowing across my hands.

I love cool breezes, love them.

And I was listening to two people talking about me, way back where they thought I couldn't hear.

But I could.

Him: "Are you sure?"
Her: "Yeah! I'm positive! That's him!"
Him: "you're sure, you know that guy from High School?"
Her: "Yeah! That's definitely him!"

Me (to myself) "Oh crap....people are so fucked".

Anyway, I got to thinking about how I appeared from the outside, as opposed to how I feel inside.

Like, I've got a very young looking face, people say I look between 22 and 28, depending if I've shaved or not.

Inside, I realise, I feel like I'm 16.

I don't feel like a man at all, and I feel cheated that no-one warned me that this would happen.

Why weren't we informed we're not all going to meet someone and fall in love?
Or that we'd get a nice white picket fence and a dog?
Or that we'd NEVER, EVER GROW UP...EVER.

I asked my Mum, and she said she feels the same way. She's like, 55 or something. She feels 16, only, like a really smart, on it, ex model from the 70's kind of 16.

And I wondered if we all feel like this?

If the obviously middle-aged guy walking by feels like he's 16, and like he's upset that his life is mostly over, and he'll never get to join my band and rock all your moist white cotton panties off.

Like, he's thinking "Oh my God, I'm married, I have kids, and I have achieved none of the things I dreamed about when i was actually 16."

And do old people feel 16 too? Only, like "Sweet mother of God this hip joint is killing me! Wish i could still dance."

I'm ranting.


And that's what makes teenagers so utterly moronic.

They think they're so incredibly superior, and on-it, and in the know, when really they're exactly the same as the rest of us, only their brains haven't fully developed yet. They're still children, with little or no wisdom, higher judgement, or originalty.

They think they're so different to that middle-aged guy I mentioned before, but inside, they're totally alike.

Only, instead of worrying about zits, the older guy is worrying about the rising cost of prescription medicines, and how maybe he should make a trip to Canada to buy some fluoxetine cheap.

I don't know, what does it matter anyway?

I'm not exactly one to measure myself against others any more.

But I'm pretty sure if I make it to old old age, I'll still be cheeky and heart-on-my-sleeve, only even more calm and at peace with the world.

I have to be careful though, if I get too much more at peace, I'll be dead!

But a little more, would be nice.

I like the idea of pottering around in the back yard, making things both with tools and with my hands, fixing bikes for the local kids, and doing odd little paintings while listening to koto or zheng music...which is exactly what I do NOW.

Maybe I'll think of something new when I'm old old.

I know for a fact I'll still want to take much younger girls to bed and bone them relentlessly, until my pacemaker gives out.

I don't think that ever changes.

Lock up your granddaughters...


bou said...

I'm not gonna wreck the surprise!!

And, you don't have to worry about a thing because there is nothing more severely fuckable than a old pot belly covered with ink...

Flaming Goddess said...

I too am often amazed at the fact that, at nearly 34, I haven’t got my "adult brain" yet; I seriously thought that something was supposed to happen between 18 and now to make me grow up but nope.

I can sense subtle differences within myself eg the way I deal with people, the way I feel about myself, the amount of weight i've put on :( but if I had to chose any one single defining moment I couldn’t.

I had a child at 22, by myself and I’ve pretty much been that way since, due mostly to the fact that a) I won't settle for just anyone and b) I spend a lot of time in the house being mumsy (on the net)which makes it hard to meet anyone at all let alone someone to settle for. Somehow I still manage to have enough interest generated so that I have at least four people that I could ring (but wont) for a booty call

I don’t smoke, don’t play sport and I don’t like hanging around pubs or people in general for that matter)

in a vain attempt (bootless errand, fool's errand, lost cause, merry chase, red herring, snipe hunt, wasted effort, wasted labour, waste of time) to connect with people outside of the home I registered on some online dating sites.

Fuck what a bad idea

I literally ended up writing such alluring statements on my profile as *I don’t like the beach* and *if one more moron sends me a message I am going to scream* still they thought I was joking.



I too look young for my age (some one thought I was 18 last year but I think she left her glasses at home) most people think my daughter is my sister. I don’t FEEL any different on the inside; just a little ripped off that my outside betrays this.

I am facing the prospect that I am going to be alone forever with no one to rub my neck and wash the dishes or provide sex on tap but still it doesn’t bother me as much as thinking that I am alone mentally, that there really isn’t anyone out there that just understands me, sometimes I feel like I live on planet stepford.

Anyhow this is why I am having a great time in blogland. I'm realising that I’m not quite as alone as I thought I was (mentally).

Geez Knifey sorry to rant/hijack I’ll shut up now. And go and post this on my blog cos it’s the most I’ve written in ages.

fg xx

Crazy Blonde Bombshell said...

Your a Hero Knifey. Your are such a stud to break up a fight. Most guys here in Spokane would of started gambling on who would win the fight. Me on the other hand woudl leave before the guns were pulled out.

You've Got What I Need... said...

Pacemakers or PEACEMAKERS? Maybe a wee bit of both...

Dxxxx said...

Glad to know I'm not the only 16 year old trapped in a thrity something body......

I guess, a little wiser about the ways of the world (and probably a little more cynical :( which is not a good thing) but still waiting to "grow up".

Actually I hope to listen even more to my 'inner child' as i get older and learn to have a bit more fun in the world and not get dragged down by the YUK that is a grown-up's life....

We're all good, kids !!!

Long live living

FreedomGirl said...

I don't know when its supposed to happen, I haven't grown up yet...And now...
My kid looks to me for the answers and all I can think of is~ WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT ME FOR?!

knifey said...

oh. my. god.

bou called me fat!


littlefaeriegirl said...

breaking up a fight is sexy

im 27 and i look about 20, i also have 2 kids and i dont think i'll ever grow up.

am i young enough at 27 for you to 'take home and bone'? *looks up at you innocently*

You've Got What I Need... said...

I think that you should get at LEAST one unicorn tat, but then again... I might be just a tad bit biased.

bou said...


I did not call you fat!!!

I was refering to the future old man knifey...the one that will be wooing my grand-daughter!!!

dirty old man!

Jay said...

Wow, what an eventful post for you. Must be nice to be a man :)

Hope the back feels better, but until it does, I at least hope you're having some great hallucinatory dreams while you're on the meds.