Rambling monologue that is sure to piss you off if you are a Christian, a Telstra dealer, fought in World War One, or heavily into Anne Rice.

I've decided I like the Bible.

Not the bible George Bush discovered while meeting with Arthur Blessit the travelling evangelist, at the Midlands, Texas, Holiday Inn, back in '78.

Not the 'inspired word of God' bible either, you know, the one with as many different translations to the message as there are witnesses to it.
Who really wrote 'The Gospel of Luke' anyway? Sure as Hell wasn't Luke. Might have been Mark, no-one really knows. But I digress...

No, I mean the Lord of the Rings epic collection of bad reporting and bare faced lies that is not supported by history or...well, anything really. Unless you count 'faith' (and I don't).

I like it because it speaks of a simpler time, like that TV show you used to get called The Waltons (that started the trend at every sleepover, where some wise-ass would have to say "G'nite Jonboy"). The Bible really shows us how complex this modern world really is.

For example, when Jesus went to see John the Baptist, he knew exactly what he was in for.
What he was in for, was a good old fashioned baptism, plain and simple.


"Check yerself b4 I wet yerself..."

John the baptist was the nigga you went to see when you wanted to get your ass baptised. He wasn't about to try to upsize your order, skip town with your money, or lock you into a 6 year contract.

No way.

He was gonna dunk you under the water, and tell you with great conviction that someone you have never met, who invented everything in the Universe, and who lived simultaneously inside you, and out in space in a place called Heaven, has washed away every bad thing you've ever done in a miracle of hydrous symbolism.

How cool is that???

And it was free !!!

Nowadays everything is so complex, there is no John the Baptist.

We have Bob the Builder, but he's less of a builder, and more of a babysitter.


Bigg upps to Suzanne Ozolins for this awesome portrait.

Thomas the Tank Engine is a former drummer for arguably the best pop group to have ever lived, and a notorious drug hoover.


"Thomas was tired, after a hard day's shunting at 'yard..."

But Vlad the Impaler was pretty straight up, and I respect that.


"Hi, I'm Vlad, and I'm rad."

History lesson-

Vladislav Basarab was way too hard to pronounce, so to distuingish himself, the young Prince changed his name to Vlad Tepes, and set about terrorising the good people of Wallachia (now Romania) by...well...impaling them (and not in the good way).

For anything.

Hard core.


"Yo Vlad, what's for dinner?"

He used long stakes with rounded ends rubbed in oil, which would be inserted into the anus, and emerge from the mouth. This would hurt a lot. It was also quite an effective defense strategy.

In 1462 the Turks invaded Wallachia to kick some Dracula family ass. The land was scorched bare from the coast to the capital.
When they arrived at Tîrgoviste they were confronted with a forest, one kilometre by three kilometres, of impaled corpses. (the Turkish and Bulgarian prisoners Vlad had taken).

The Turks gave up and went home again.

God, who wouldn't?
And can you imagine the chronology of their conversation?

• "Um, General...it appears the countryside has been laid barren".

• "General sir, no sign of life, and we've been marching three days".

• "The scouts have returned General. They report seeing people near Tîrgoviste".

• "It appears the people near Tîrgoviste are our people, and they're all dead".

• "Whoa! How much would that hurt?!"

How kickass is history? You don't get anything big like that any more.
3 more years under the Howard Government though, and you never know.

I have secret (well, they were) fantasies of re-enacting this kind of action with Telstra dealers. Like, a big-ass forest of them, all around my house. Dead.
Unfortunately, the reality of my house is that I live with hippies, and the scariest thing we have is this kind of thing:




...drawn with chalk onto the concrete.

Granted, it's utterly terrifying, in the same way an earnest believer in the Celestine Prophecy is terrifying. But not in an "I'm going to tear you a new asshole with this enormous stake" way. And that's the way I like.

I think the greatest thing about me is I can take you from Thomas the Tank Engine and The Beatles, straight into the politics of Romania in the 1460's, without even breaking a sweat.

But there are more facts you should know:

• Vlad had a brother called 'Radu the Handsome'. Clearly this is the raddest name in the entire history of Eastern Europe. Better than John the Baptist, even.

• Vlad learned his technique of impalement from the very Turks he used it on. Think about that next time you're enjoying a kebab.

• The real Castle Dracula had 1400 steps, as if it needed anything apart from its reputation to keep errant Telstra dealers from stopping by...

• Before Vlad became the outright ruler of Wallachia, he was the Prince (Voivode), to his father Vlad the Dragon (Vlad Dracul). Voivod were one of the heaviest bands ever to come out of the USA in the late 80's, now starring Jason Newsted (Metallica, Ozzy Osbourne) on bass.

• Vlad's dad Dracul was required by treaty to pay an annual tribute to the Ottoman Empire of 10,000 ducats. The Turks were suspicious that he might have been 'shafting them', so to speak, and summoned him to Gallipoli, where he was seized with both Vlad and Radu, and imprisoned for a whole year. If they could do that to Count Dracula, Vlad the Impaler, and Radu the Handsome, what hope did the ANZACS ever have?

"I've heard bad things about this place from my Romanian cousin Vlad..."

• When Dracul returned home, he not only had to leave his sons with the Sultan for 6 years, but had to promise to pay a new tribute, of 500 young boys per year. Think about that next time you're having a kebab also.

• Radu the Handsome ended up shagging the Sultan, and I mean that without the slightest hint of a lie. You heard it here first.

• Vlad used to dine in a courtyard full of rotting enemies. One nobleman was put off by this, so Vlad impaled him on a stake higher than the rest, so he could be above the stench. Irrefutable proof he wasn't just a monster, and had a well healthy sense of humour.

• The movie 'Queen of the Damned', filmed in Melbourne, sucked major donkey balls. It was so unbelievably and embarassingly craptastic, I don't know how anyone can watch it and not impale themselves. Maybe it was a secret plot to make people do just this, like 'Interview with the Vampire' was before it.

• Lastly, neither Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise are vampires. Granted, they both suck incredibly, but vampires they are not.

So there you go!
Now you know waaaaaaaay more than you did 10 minutes ago, about all sorts of odd facts you will never be questioned about on 'Who wants to be a millionaire'.

Before I sign off, i wanna send madd shouts out to Clembot for the fun last night. It was different.




This is knifey, from 'the internet'.