Press 'command W' quickly, I feel another emotional purge coming on...
Like I'm puking QWERTY keys all over a blank page that is hosted on the other side of the planet; so I can hopefully feel some form of relief, and hope that someone out there knows what I mean so I don't feel so remote for a change.
Everything in me is changing, but I don't know what to. I hate this fucking font all of a sudden. Eight years later and suddenly I hate Verdana.
I'm going to cut to the chase for a change. I don't know who I am.
I live in a city of 4 million people, a small city then. And when I don't have to work or take part in some other form of obligation or shop for food, I stay at home away from everyone. This is not unusual any more, lots of people feel me on that one.
But sometimes for reasons I don't understand, I will go out on a date with another human, and try to deny the fact I am essentially broken now. What does that mean?
I don't trust anyone, I guess. I feel like life is stretching way out in front of me, and it's just filled with various flavours of disappointment. Like now I have felt all the feels, and whatever comes next will either be a pale imitation of past experience, or it will be another in a seemingly infinitely long line of hurt.
So I'm doomed, then. You don't even need undergraduate psychology to see this.
I see guys who I feel for whatever reason are perhaps less attractive than I am, who have perhaps achieved a lot less, who haven't evolved that much; and they have lovers, and my stupid head thinks "Well maybe there is someone out there for me then", but there's not. I don't know why there's not, but there just isn't.
It will start on Instagram or twitter. They are all the social media I do. And because I literally have a vacuum where my social life used to be, it's the only way anyone from the outside can get a look in.
She will compliment me, tell me things about my physical being she likes. She will latch on to items of shared interest, of dreams, or what have you.
And she will build up an idea of who I am that is constructed entirely within her mind, and in no way actually connected to the real me, wherever I am, no matter what I have said.
We will meet, and either immediately or after an hour of talking, she will suddenly realize I'm an actual person that is distinct from whatever fantasy she had conjured up for herself, and that I can't live up to that. She is disappointed, maybe even pissed off that I don't conform to her mental blueprint, that I couldn't just read her mind and be that.
I'm an asshole for being me.
And the net result is I feel like I am an unlovable and somehow repellent. That's the perfect word for it.
I have no idea what it is about me that makes these people need to never contact me again, to go from "You're exactly my type" to tumbleweeds.
I used to at times and by some people, be considered charismatic. Funny. Even attractive. And the people who gave me that attention were the right people. The people whose opinions meant something to me at that time. If I'm going to be completely honest they were generally the people that most others looked up to or envied. People with no need to lie about it.
And without realising it, I have driven right over the border on the map, into some strange and unknowable territory where suddenly I am none of those things. Where I'm a perpetual disappointment, and where nothing I say or do means a thing outside of my own experience of it.
And if you combine that with the fact I literally cannot remember a time in the last 2 years when I wasn't completely exhausted, my capacity to tough out situations like that, to calmly evaluate, has evaporated.
Admission: I'm scared to meet anyone new or engage in innocuous social banter because my experiences have built up to such a degree I feel fearful and judged before I've even left the house. The power of these rejections is so strong I have started to believe it myself. I'm bad. There's something wrong with me. I don't know what it is, but it's definitely there.
Suddenly I have faith in something- my power to disappoint.
There's this thing about defensiveness that I've learned over the years- it makes otherwise good people poisonous and desperate. They become so burned out by other people's lack of adoration or just plain disgust with them that they turn into this walking foregone conclusion. What I mean here is that there is only one way they can react... at the first sign of real or imagined doubt or disappointment from whoever they are talking to, the doors slam shut, the lights go out, and they leave and never come back. Even if they misread the situation. Even if things were good.
And I'm that now.
I was sardonic and cynical before (it never put anyone off though), but now I'm just constantly waiting for a sign that I can pack up my tent and go home again.
Honestly if I could pay someone to sit down with me and talk for a couple of hours, and then to explain to me in simple language just what it is about me that is so repellent, I would do that.
I would gladly do that.
'Publish'.
Like I'm puking QWERTY keys all over a blank page that is hosted on the other side of the planet; so I can hopefully feel some form of relief, and hope that someone out there knows what I mean so I don't feel so remote for a change.
Everything in me is changing, but I don't know what to. I hate this fucking font all of a sudden. Eight years later and suddenly I hate Verdana.
I'm going to cut to the chase for a change. I don't know who I am.
I live in a city of 4 million people, a small city then. And when I don't have to work or take part in some other form of obligation or shop for food, I stay at home away from everyone. This is not unusual any more, lots of people feel me on that one.
But sometimes for reasons I don't understand, I will go out on a date with another human, and try to deny the fact I am essentially broken now. What does that mean?
I don't trust anyone, I guess. I feel like life is stretching way out in front of me, and it's just filled with various flavours of disappointment. Like now I have felt all the feels, and whatever comes next will either be a pale imitation of past experience, or it will be another in a seemingly infinitely long line of hurt.
So I'm doomed, then. You don't even need undergraduate psychology to see this.
I see guys who I feel for whatever reason are perhaps less attractive than I am, who have perhaps achieved a lot less, who haven't evolved that much; and they have lovers, and my stupid head thinks "Well maybe there is someone out there for me then", but there's not. I don't know why there's not, but there just isn't.
It will start on Instagram or twitter. They are all the social media I do. And because I literally have a vacuum where my social life used to be, it's the only way anyone from the outside can get a look in.
She will compliment me, tell me things about my physical being she likes. She will latch on to items of shared interest, of dreams, or what have you.
And she will build up an idea of who I am that is constructed entirely within her mind, and in no way actually connected to the real me, wherever I am, no matter what I have said.
We will meet, and either immediately or after an hour of talking, she will suddenly realize I'm an actual person that is distinct from whatever fantasy she had conjured up for herself, and that I can't live up to that. She is disappointed, maybe even pissed off that I don't conform to her mental blueprint, that I couldn't just read her mind and be that.
I'm an asshole for being me.
And the net result is I feel like I am an unlovable and somehow repellent. That's the perfect word for it.
I have no idea what it is about me that makes these people need to never contact me again, to go from "You're exactly my type" to tumbleweeds.
I used to at times and by some people, be considered charismatic. Funny. Even attractive. And the people who gave me that attention were the right people. The people whose opinions meant something to me at that time. If I'm going to be completely honest they were generally the people that most others looked up to or envied. People with no need to lie about it.
And without realising it, I have driven right over the border on the map, into some strange and unknowable territory where suddenly I am none of those things. Where I'm a perpetual disappointment, and where nothing I say or do means a thing outside of my own experience of it.
And if you combine that with the fact I literally cannot remember a time in the last 2 years when I wasn't completely exhausted, my capacity to tough out situations like that, to calmly evaluate, has evaporated.
Admission: I'm scared to meet anyone new or engage in innocuous social banter because my experiences have built up to such a degree I feel fearful and judged before I've even left the house. The power of these rejections is so strong I have started to believe it myself. I'm bad. There's something wrong with me. I don't know what it is, but it's definitely there.
Suddenly I have faith in something- my power to disappoint.
There's this thing about defensiveness that I've learned over the years- it makes otherwise good people poisonous and desperate. They become so burned out by other people's lack of adoration or just plain disgust with them that they turn into this walking foregone conclusion. What I mean here is that there is only one way they can react... at the first sign of real or imagined doubt or disappointment from whoever they are talking to, the doors slam shut, the lights go out, and they leave and never come back. Even if they misread the situation. Even if things were good.
And I'm that now.
I was sardonic and cynical before (it never put anyone off though), but now I'm just constantly waiting for a sign that I can pack up my tent and go home again.
Honestly if I could pay someone to sit down with me and talk for a couple of hours, and then to explain to me in simple language just what it is about me that is so repellent, I would do that.
I would gladly do that.
'Publish'.
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