I learned a long time ago that we can't control anything.
Control is an illusory mindset some of us rely on to help us to feel like the world isn't a massive, random event generator, with no more interest in us winning than an ant doing so. Which of course, is exactly what it is.
In Zen, they say "Be like water", in that water eventually gets to where it's going- nothing can stop it...if it/you is/are patient. I think it was Einstein who defined insanity as doing things the same way but expecting different results.
Water doesn't do things the same way, it flows along the path of least resistance. It doesn't set out to change it's surroundings, but in doing what it does naturally, it effects everything.
So if something isn't working we need to change it up, try something new. And just like a car that continually lets you down, or an organ that fails, sometimes we need to take that part out and put in a new one.
We need to do this with people also. Friends so often drift away on a different path, and so without saying goodbye, we watch them fade over time until they live in memories, or the occasional awkward chance meeting in a supermarket late at night.
And sometimes we have to be more active- and enforce that distance. I know a guy that has been jailed for multiple cases of statutory rape/threatening to kill... he's dreaming if he thinks I'll ever make time for a chat. I stopped talking to him before he hit the news, because I could feel something was wrong there. Instinct is very powerful when you don't dilute it with insecurity and jealousy.
So there's the word- jealousy.
Jealousy is the high water mark of a persons desire to control another, based on fear (what isn't, actually?), and never appropriate.
In the Western world, we all live in a society controlled by fear. Fear of the ruling class losing their stranglehold on ALL OF THE MONEY. Fear of the consumers losing ALL OF THEIR MONEY. Fear of the lower classes of HAVING NO MONEY.
The answer to that problem is clear- get rid of money, and invest our time and energy into a different system that benefits everyone, instead of a select few hoarding away everything for...no real logical reason.
And when a person is jealous beyond a certain point (because we should always try and help each other through hard times when we can), it's time to cut them out as well.
If a person can't be around you without having to control you, then that interaction is clearly not healthy. It's no longer an interaction. It's an infection.
And if they continually manipulate you, and make you feel like you're always doing something wrong (based solely on their inability to trust), then it's simply time to walk away.
Another thing I learned a long time ago through personal experience is that those who are most jealous, are the most dishonest. And while they are terrified of you leaving them for someone else (even if you have no intention of doing so), they will be cultivating multiple exit strategies, nurturing flirtations, ready to man the lifeboats if things don't go their way; so they won't have to be alone, or deal with what they have done. They forget you quickly, love turns to hate, they're on the next ride, thinking foolishly they have left their problems behind.
I know this, because I used to be the most jealous and possessive guy in the world. And I find it embarrassing to admit, because it really is low behaviour, shows such a lack of evolution. But then, I did a lot of that back then.
And now that I have the perspective, I can see that my jealous pressure on my partners virtually guaranteed they would cheat on me, or break up and find someone better, because they couldn't breathe in the space we shared. Makes sense- if you push hard enough, the other person will eventually move away from you.
My Mother used to say- "Leave a space for them to grow into". Isn't that something? Leave your partner space inside of you? One of the most beautiful thoughts I've ever come across.
And so I learned to relax. It looks easy when I write it like that, but it isn't. It's like any addiction, and it took years and years of painful soul searching and hard changes to get out of that hole, and back to the surface.
But I climbed out of that, and into reality, and saw just how far I had fallen, how much it hurt. Not just me, but everyone. And it became obvious that my Mum was right, and so was my old Master from Gungfu- "The greatest in control, is achieved with the open hand".
If you squeeze something too hard, it'll slip from between your fingers.
So I decided I didn't want to squeeze any more. I decided I didn't want to control someone into liking me, but I did want to enjoy the reward when someone did so, all on their own.
And I found the more I exercised those muscles, the easier it became to simply not care. To enjoy relationships, without having to control them. And definitely to base my desire to be with someone on who they are, not on how much I can change them to suit my own wants.
So I don't want to mince words here- jealousy is a disease. It will cause you infinite misery, and absolutely torture those who try to love you. It will turn you into a person no-one wants to be, and just because it mostly happens in private, doesn't make it any more acceptable.
Jealousy alters your perception of reality. It interferes with your natural intuition, and infects it, to the point where you either see things that aren't there, or read into things that pose no threat to you whatsoever. It makes you crazy. Who wants that?
This feeling also makes you feel justified in doing things that are unacceptable within a relationship- checking up on your partner, undue suspicion, invasion of private email or social media accounts, these are all self-justified through the feeling of corrupted intuition.
You feel like you have a right to do something wrong, based on faith that what you think is correct. No offence, but that's what The Crusaders, The Nazis, The Spanish Inquisition, and Al Qaeda all did too.
To read about the signs you suffer from jealousy, and what you can do about that, have a look at this page.
Face it, we're all scared. We're all imperfect. But some damage is avoidable in our lives, and I'm living proof that a person who used to be off-the-rails crazy with jealousy can move on to become a person who never spares a thought for it, and most definitely doesn't inflict it onto my partners.
Normally this blog is for either my writing, or for shooting the shit/ranting/whatever grabs me at the time. But I want to open it up to you if you have feelings like those I've just talked about.
Contact me though here if you need a friend or some support, remain anonymous if you like, and I will tell you the truth about where you're at and what you can do that will result in your maximum happiness.
On a personal note, I don't have a lot of love in my own life at the moment, and I know that the best cure for feeling that way is to send out love to others. So whether you're a guy or a girl, no matter what walk of life you're from, or where you're going; if you need a friend to be real with you, and help you out of the hole you're in, I'm right here.
No one deserves to put themselves through emotional pain for fear of being alone. The good news is, the sooner you can work out the damage, the less the likelihood of you being alone is.
You can do it, you just have to want to.
This is knifey, from 'the internet'.
Control is an illusory mindset some of us rely on to help us to feel like the world isn't a massive, random event generator, with no more interest in us winning than an ant doing so. Which of course, is exactly what it is.
In Zen, they say "Be like water", in that water eventually gets to where it's going- nothing can stop it...if it/you is/are patient. I think it was Einstein who defined insanity as doing things the same way but expecting different results.
Water doesn't do things the same way, it flows along the path of least resistance. It doesn't set out to change it's surroundings, but in doing what it does naturally, it effects everything.
So if something isn't working we need to change it up, try something new. And just like a car that continually lets you down, or an organ that fails, sometimes we need to take that part out and put in a new one.
We need to do this with people also. Friends so often drift away on a different path, and so without saying goodbye, we watch them fade over time until they live in memories, or the occasional awkward chance meeting in a supermarket late at night.
And sometimes we have to be more active- and enforce that distance. I know a guy that has been jailed for multiple cases of statutory rape/threatening to kill... he's dreaming if he thinks I'll ever make time for a chat. I stopped talking to him before he hit the news, because I could feel something was wrong there. Instinct is very powerful when you don't dilute it with insecurity and jealousy.
So there's the word- jealousy.
Jealousy is the high water mark of a persons desire to control another, based on fear (what isn't, actually?), and never appropriate.
In the Western world, we all live in a society controlled by fear. Fear of the ruling class losing their stranglehold on ALL OF THE MONEY. Fear of the consumers losing ALL OF THEIR MONEY. Fear of the lower classes of HAVING NO MONEY.
The answer to that problem is clear- get rid of money, and invest our time and energy into a different system that benefits everyone, instead of a select few hoarding away everything for...no real logical reason.
And when a person is jealous beyond a certain point (because we should always try and help each other through hard times when we can), it's time to cut them out as well.
If a person can't be around you without having to control you, then that interaction is clearly not healthy. It's no longer an interaction. It's an infection.
And if they continually manipulate you, and make you feel like you're always doing something wrong (based solely on their inability to trust), then it's simply time to walk away.
Another thing I learned a long time ago through personal experience is that those who are most jealous, are the most dishonest. And while they are terrified of you leaving them for someone else (even if you have no intention of doing so), they will be cultivating multiple exit strategies, nurturing flirtations, ready to man the lifeboats if things don't go their way; so they won't have to be alone, or deal with what they have done. They forget you quickly, love turns to hate, they're on the next ride, thinking foolishly they have left their problems behind.
I know this, because I used to be the most jealous and possessive guy in the world. And I find it embarrassing to admit, because it really is low behaviour, shows such a lack of evolution. But then, I did a lot of that back then.
And now that I have the perspective, I can see that my jealous pressure on my partners virtually guaranteed they would cheat on me, or break up and find someone better, because they couldn't breathe in the space we shared. Makes sense- if you push hard enough, the other person will eventually move away from you.
My Mother used to say- "Leave a space for them to grow into". Isn't that something? Leave your partner space inside of you? One of the most beautiful thoughts I've ever come across.
And so I learned to relax. It looks easy when I write it like that, but it isn't. It's like any addiction, and it took years and years of painful soul searching and hard changes to get out of that hole, and back to the surface.
But I climbed out of that, and into reality, and saw just how far I had fallen, how much it hurt. Not just me, but everyone. And it became obvious that my Mum was right, and so was my old Master from Gungfu- "The greatest in control, is achieved with the open hand".
If you squeeze something too hard, it'll slip from between your fingers.
So I decided I didn't want to squeeze any more. I decided I didn't want to control someone into liking me, but I did want to enjoy the reward when someone did so, all on their own.
And I found the more I exercised those muscles, the easier it became to simply not care. To enjoy relationships, without having to control them. And definitely to base my desire to be with someone on who they are, not on how much I can change them to suit my own wants.
So I don't want to mince words here- jealousy is a disease. It will cause you infinite misery, and absolutely torture those who try to love you. It will turn you into a person no-one wants to be, and just because it mostly happens in private, doesn't make it any more acceptable.
Jealousy alters your perception of reality. It interferes with your natural intuition, and infects it, to the point where you either see things that aren't there, or read into things that pose no threat to you whatsoever. It makes you crazy. Who wants that?
This feeling also makes you feel justified in doing things that are unacceptable within a relationship- checking up on your partner, undue suspicion, invasion of private email or social media accounts, these are all self-justified through the feeling of corrupted intuition.
You feel like you have a right to do something wrong, based on faith that what you think is correct. No offence, but that's what The Crusaders, The Nazis, The Spanish Inquisition, and Al Qaeda all did too.
To read about the signs you suffer from jealousy, and what you can do about that, have a look at this page.
Face it, we're all scared. We're all imperfect. But some damage is avoidable in our lives, and I'm living proof that a person who used to be off-the-rails crazy with jealousy can move on to become a person who never spares a thought for it, and most definitely doesn't inflict it onto my partners.
Normally this blog is for either my writing, or for shooting the shit/ranting/whatever grabs me at the time. But I want to open it up to you if you have feelings like those I've just talked about.
Contact me though here if you need a friend or some support, remain anonymous if you like, and I will tell you the truth about where you're at and what you can do that will result in your maximum happiness.
On a personal note, I don't have a lot of love in my own life at the moment, and I know that the best cure for feeling that way is to send out love to others. So whether you're a guy or a girl, no matter what walk of life you're from, or where you're going; if you need a friend to be real with you, and help you out of the hole you're in, I'm right here.
No one deserves to put themselves through emotional pain for fear of being alone. The good news is, the sooner you can work out the damage, the less the likelihood of you being alone is.
You can do it, you just have to want to.
This is knifey, from 'the internet'.
4 comments:
Insightful, self-reflective post. I don't think too much about my past relationships these days, instead I learn everything about surrender from my son. I read this interesting post the other day: http://www.care2.com/greenliving/i-have-violence-in-me.html
When my son squeezes me (through no fault of his own - children don't manipulate, no matter how many Xtians and sleep-trainers tell you the opposite) sometimes anger comes out of me - it's something I really have to be wary of. I suppose the best thing I've learned about relationships, toxic or otherwise, from my son is that no matter what, you can only control your reaction, not the behaviour of anyone else. They can only be toxic to you if you allow them. Man it's hard sometimes though, made infinitely more difficult by the hand you're dealt as a baby and the neural pathways you build - depending on whether you're shown love or neglect. It makes it much harder for adults who were neglected, left to cry, abused, ignored or even just smacked on the bum to be trusting, empathetic adults. It's like hitting an old man with dementia - you'd be put in jail for that, yet it's totally legitimate to do so to a child. Anyway my point is you're doing an amazing job at building new pathways (I mean that physically as well as metaphorically) in your life. It's no mean feat. My childhood baggage is nothing by comparison and yet I find it hard to be patient and kind all the time. But I try.
I love it that you of all people commented on this, both because you have known me for so long, and also because of the nature of how we came to know each other. I also love the fact that our opinions are sometimes so different due to perspectives, but how I invariably learn something from each interaction. Your son is so lucky! Thanks Bonnie.
And I learn from you! We'll see how lucky my son is when he grows up, I still have plenty of time to make a mess of this parenting gig ;) xxx
Good read indeed.
Post a Comment