Many things have been written, and more has been said, about the life of Jesus, the death of Jesus, the people surrounding Jesus, Moses, Adam, Eve, and the other O.G's of the bible. But what most people don't know is that God was a kid once, and that he had a life before the bush started burning, or the fruit got masticated, or the dark Angel Satan got his ass kicked out of the apartment upstairs.
This is about that life.
Now, I'm not religious, I am an agnostic. But for the sake of storytime, let's all suspend our sense of disbelief for a little while, and just roll with it, k?
There was a time (but don't get too caught up in notions of time here, as it's far too complex to simply blog about), when God was a child.
He had no parents, because God is the alpha and omega, meaning basically, everything starts and ends with him. So 'time' had begun (just not as we (think) we know it), and God was there, and there was no Universe. Just God, and the vast emptiness.
Emptiness isn't problematic when you are a deity, vast or not. It's just a quality that exists because you let it. It doesn't surround you, because when you're the god, nothing surrounds you unless you say so. So there's God, and more nothing than we could ever comprehend, so much that even smug looking Kray supercomputers couldn't process it without exploding into shards, thus adding to the emptiness and thereby rendering accurate computation impossible.
If you know anything about particle physics, you will know that even solid objects are basically full of nothingness. So when the bible says 'the void', or anything like that, it's basically trying to dramatically illustrate the emptiness, which, can be said to also represent solid objects. Just big, basically empty ones. Still with me?
So God's there, with all that nothingness or somethingness, depending on a bunch of stuff physicists cream themselves over, and he's a kid. A superintelligent, all knowing, all seeing, all powerful kid who's in charge of everything that exits, and everything that doesn't exist yet, but will exist when he decides he's into it.
All that stuff about man being created in his image was just artistic licence by the author of the book of Genesis. Let's say, by Phil Collins (because Moses sure as hell didn't write the Pentateuch). There's also a bit about it in 1 Corinthians 11:7, but we'll just focus on Genesis, shall we?
Genesis 1:27- "And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them." OK, we get it. So most of us would think that when visualising God, he's going to look humanoid, right?
Wrongtown!
What Phil Collins meant was that in just the same way as God is a trinity, and that trinity forms the whole, so too are we split...into a body, mind, and spirit. That's what Phil wants you to think anyways. So no, God doesn't look like us, he's just like us, and we like him, in the way just described.
So what does he look like then? Who cares?!
I like to think of him as a big yellow smily face, but not so big I can't relate to him. Maybe, ten feet tall. Just floating around, smiling, and being logical all the time. Logical, like a COMPUTER. Like a massive, theological G5 that hairy little primates like us can't get our heads around, because we're not logical enough yet..
So you're wondering when I'm going to get to the point, and so here it comes...when I say "God was a kid", what I mean to say is that this bright yellow smiley face that floats around and can see all, and knows all, and all that stuff was once upon a time full of innocence and wonder. Like kids are. Kids don't start getting mean bones in their bodies until they start to competing with one another, and seeing as there is no competition for God, he just stayed sweet and cool like a popsicle.
So he'd sit around, and think about things, and wonder about things, and these thoughts and wonders eventually came to become the world we're living on, and the bodies we work so hard to wear out too fast.
There, in the vast emptiness, he thought about Miami Vice. He thought about the fact that more copies of the IKEA catalogue would be distributed than the bible. He thought "I'm going to make someone invent bread. Then someone else can slightly burn it, and voila! Toast!" He thought about inventing the French language, so "Voila!" would finally make sense. He thought about giving different animals different abilities, like a dogs amazing sense of smell, a sheeps ability to recognise its friends from photographs, and a drunkards ability to make wee wee on himself in public with no sense of embarrassment.
He thought about how big to make our brains, so we could know a thing or two, but so he could still keep us guessing. He made cars hate dogs, dogs hate cats, and cats hate EVERYTHING. He thought "Shall I give fishes a sense of humour?" (He did). He thought about where to put the earth. He thought about where to put pretty much everything (except the architecture of Peter Davidson, which is clearly geometric vomit, and can arrange itself accordingly).
He'd lay back with metaphorical arms behind his metaphorical head, and calculate to within 56 bazillion decimal places exactly how sexy (99.999999999999999999...%) to make Tina Turner at age 20, and to make Ike Turner drunk or out of his mind on cocaine the same percentage of time. He calculated the smoothness factor of Luther Vandross, and how bad Keith Richards would smell.
He calculated the amount of heartbreak Walther Gropius would feel as he left Alma Mahler to fight in the Great War. How many lollies in a dollar bag in 1987. What colour a diplodocus will be. Jasmine flowers.
He thought about what a bastard Nietsche was going to be, to him, to women, and to opposing philosophers. He thought "I'm gonna make that fucker pay", and pay he did. He thought about the fact he was going to give one of my ex girlfriends a vestigial tail at birth, and another something that looked exactly like a miniature extra anus. He thought about the fact you weren't going to believe me, even though it's the absolute truth. He laughed.
He thought about fresh cut grass, and mountain climbing, and erectile dysfunction, and the fact that some people still insist on spelling "gaol" that old fashioned way.
He thought about chronologies:
Receeding Ice Age>Germany>Evolution>High Culture>Disco>Scheisse movies.
Dinosaur Extiction Event>Rotting animal and vegetable matter on Sea floors>Shell Oil Drilling Platforms>Cadillac DeVille>Rodney Dangerfield.
Evolution of Mammals>Sexual reproduction>Industrial Revolution>JVC Corporation>High Cost of Living>Porn.
Mt Everest sized meteor crash in Canada, 2 billion BC>One particle of meteor dust ingested by a Saber Tooth Tiger in the late Pleistocene Period>Lands in Lowell, Massacheussetts, July 8, 1865, on the barrel of the first machine gun>Instantly blows away again>Caught in the wing feathers of an albatross, Western seaboard of Australia 30 years from now>Albatross dies 2 months later, particle settles on the surface of the Pacific Ocean>Leaves a dying planet Earth in a tank of water, on the last colonising spacecraft to launch 2752 AD>Arrives back on its planet of origin 500 years later in a stream of urine from a newly bioengineered Saber Tooth/Albatross hybrid...the Saber Tooth Albatross>Having attained consciousness 287 years before, said particle vows revenge>Human Extinction Event.
There are so many things we humans don't know.
Did you know God created another Earth. before this one? He created it 5 times smaller, and it was mainly pink. He didn't like it, and unless you're a prepubescent girl, you probably wouldn't either.
Originally, insects were bigger than people, and they had brains. He didn't think that was fair after he thought it through, not because he wanted people to have the bigger brains, but because insects had a hard time operating machines like jet aircraft and candy floss machines. They also are notorious for road rage, even more so than Europeans.
There was one other setup, where the Universe was 2 dimensional. Everything, including us was extremely, immeasurably thin. We could move up, down, or side to side, but that was it. Clearly this had limited fun potential, and was scrapped in favour of this 3-dimensional playground we all know and (some of us) love.
What none of us know yet, is that this whole Universe is just a speck of dust, on a speck of dust, on a speck of dust, in an asteroid field, adjacent to a planetoid, in orbit around a planet, in a solar system, in another, bigger Universe, that is itself, a speck of dust, and so on, and so on, forever and ever, because infinity has no limits. And rather than that entailing that our existence is pitiful and futile, it actually means we're all the more special.
And that is the real reason many people want a God in the first place...to be adrift in all that nothingness without anything bigger to love us and remember us when we've blipped off the radar must be a heavy load to contend with. Without some deity saving this rock from smashing into that rock must seem of critical importance. I personally hope there is a God. I don't really believe there is, but I wish. Mainly because I'd really like to see the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, even though like everything else in the Bible, they're just metaphors.
The 4 Metaphors of the Apocalypse just doesn't resonate quite the same way.
Keep on truckin' kids!
This is knifey, from 'the internet'.
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