Employment reflux.

Person 1: "Knock knock."
Person 2: "Who's there?"
Person 1: "I don't know."

I was talking to my drummer the other day, and he mentioned "If this music thing doesn't work out, (he is) into becoming a fireman."

Thing is, before we officially met and made this band, I saw him rock the living shit out of major music festivals, sold out interstate tours, and...Rove Live! His style of drumming always inspired me, and he was always my first and only choice when it came to drummers. He's just mind-blowingly awesome, a total showman, and luckily, a super sweet guy.

So what does he mean, "If this music thing doesn't work out"? How can you be that good, and even consider anything else?

There's nothing wrong with being a fireman. Kurt Russel was a fireman in the movie 'backdraft'...and he got to have sex with the insanely hot Rebecca DeMornay, so who am I to not be impressed? But seriously- totally respectable job, and it speaks a lot about this guys heart, too.

But it still stayed with me. Employment reflux.

And to be real about it, I'm doing exactly the same thing. This year, on top of the band, I am finishing qualifications in:

-Forklift operation.
-Earthmover operation.
-Mine clearing.
-Personal Security/Bodyguard.
-Anti-Terrorism training.
-Military Close Combat.

...so that I'll have some options (like defense contracting or driving a forklift/earthmover and clearing landmines) if "this music thing doesn't work out." Because playing music, as much as it has taken me everywhere but Antarctica so far, and paying me a nice rate per hour sometimes, has never been able to compete with a good, solid, high risk full time job with danger pay, with possible death a statistical probability given a long enough time line. A bit like being a fireman.

So I've been studying every day, when I'd rather be recording and writing, moving closer to crossing those items off my to do list.

And I've noticed a change come over me lately. Like focussing my mind in a different direction has changed me. Things I loved I'm kinda over. Hopefully it's just now that I'm exhausted and depressed, and I'll love them again when it's feasible. But I've even thought about giving up on making choppers (which aside from music has been my life for years now). Who the fuck am I?

I want to live simply. Own less 'stuff'. Concentrate on relationships instead of 'things'. Buy a house (what?!) Have babies.

Utterly. Alien. Thoughts.

But good thoughts too. I just don't understand why they seem to push away the old me. The guy that LOVES choppers, has way too many guitars and wants more, who collects robot toys and light sabers and bicycles and motocycles, and who never has enough room for it all.

Maybe I'm sick of living out of a suitcase with my life in storage, or how hard it is to move that life from one place to another. God knows I don't care if I never travel again. Travelling is shit. And it just gets worse and worse. So no, I won't miss that.

And I guess it's a good thing that my identity doesn't feel the need to cling on to tags like 'musician', 'bike builder', 'whatever else people call me'. That it's okay to want to learn more about how to sculpt using porcelain and ceramics, wanting to open a restaurant, things that aren't really things most kids aspire to.

Maybe that's it?

Maybe I'm less of a kid now? I know for a fact I'm no fun at parties. I've turned into the cynical old wanker that sits in the corner staring at everybody, and thinking he's obviously the best quality person in there. Or should I say "the cynical old wanker", because it's totally a stereotype. Just not usually at 38.

So maybe I am entering into a new phase of life, an altogether more grown up affair, where toys are traded for art, music for...silence?

I played the latest Call of Duty in one sitting, and when it was over, I thought "Is that it?" Is my life going to be like that?

That's the thought of the day...so I'm looking more into filling life with relationships that matter, strengthening bonds, being more available. Having security. Manufacturing some safety and some peace.

This is the part where I normally tell you something. Sum it all up, make an attempt at a grand statement. Instead of that, how about this time, you tell me something? Comment anonymously if you must. But if anyone still reads this thing, I'd like your take on whatever this is.

I leave it with you.


This is knifey, from 'the internet'.