Slow Erosion.

It's crazy how, when you have nothing, you dream about getting to a stage where you're just safe.

Safe.

Nothing's happening, you've worked your ass off for months to have a place to sleep at night, electricity, water. A job. But that's it.

There are super-positive people who will say "It's all up to you! the future is bursting with possibilities! You're only bored if you're boring!"

Fuck off. I'm tired.

Tired when I get up, tired when I go to sleep. Tired in between. It's like the older I get, my body changes, and its receptors for excitement get burned out. I'm bored by everything. I thought it would be a phase, that it would pass.

Not so lucky.

I'm sick of other people. The smell of other people. The noise of other people. It's not that I think I'm better, but I know how to smell good and be quiet. I identify with all the grumpy old characters. Or the widowers in British dramas that die alone. But I'm not that old. Some people struggle to believe I'm over 30. Is this what they mean by burning out too soon?

I took a lot of risks in my life, not because I demanded a lot from existence, but because I didn't think things through and threw myself into bad situations a lot, just to pass the time. I passed it a bit too well.

Everything is finite in my experience. It might be in a really big container, but everything runs out eventually. Or at least ceases to be available in your location. There might be diamond planets out there, but that doesn't help poor people here, does it?

You do run out of time. Out of passion. Out of working body parts. Hope. Health. All of it.

Use it up quick and it's gone.

So what do you do then?

Go to the park and feed the ducks?

Please.

I just do what dogs do when they run out of ideas- lie down.

My lack of motivation is at an all-time high.

I got nuthin'.