Polaroids from the West...

I've got that choked up feeling, where you know you're going to lose it, and for whatever reason, you hold it back. Pfft, "whatever reason". Because you don't want that feeling to be real, you don't want to validate it. You don't want to admit that it's all coming down again. Different person, same result.

Same result.

Give me a minute, I can't hold this in.

The thing I hate about me is, I only have myself to blame for the way I'm feeling. I do the most stupid and ignorant things, and then resent myself for wanting sympathy from me. I'm in so much debt, I can't climb out. It's my fault. I know it is. I'm so fucked up, and for all my pontificating about how pathetic people are when we become "consumers", I adore spending money I don't have on things I don't need. I have so much shit, still in boxes, worthless to anyone else. Worthless to me too. Holding me down, pinning me down. But I can't throw it away, because it cost too much in the first place, and to be honest i don't technically own it.

It owns me.

I'd like to think I have learned my lesson there. I haven't bought anything since I realised, and I won't. I'm too scared to. So I guess that's positive.

But this isn't about that.

The fact I'm blogging this is significant. I don't have any real friends that aren't tens of thousands of kilometres away. All the people I love I are interstate. And I really need a friend right now.

Right now, when it's all coming home.

I'm so tired. All the time. I've been drained for years. And I try to put on this mask of being funny or interesting, but it's all a facade. I'm just tired, and I want to rest. I want to climb out of this trap I built for myself.

These traps.

I'm sick of being so forgiving. I put my faith in the wrong people. I know I'm doing it, but I think, "No, they deserve love", and "You wouldn't want them to give up on you". I think that, and they shit on me, and they make me feel like a rapist for supporting them and not giving up. For giving way more of myself than I ever had before. For putting all my eggs in one basket. I know. I did it. And then they shit on me again, and say it's all my fault because I knew they had issues, and if I didn't want to deal with those, I shouldn't have wasted their time.

All or nothing.

Whatever happened to being equal? Or some kind of balance?

How is it fair to abuse someone for not conforming to expectations you have, when you know it's not right or fair to expect those things? That's setting them up to fail, just so you can say to yourself, "See? I was right! I CAN'T trust anyone!" I'm failing a lot lately. I've discovered actually, there's no real way to win. And by "win", I mean, get some fucking peace and harmony.

Wow, it's all about them, and you can go cry to yourself on the internet about it, because you left all your friends on the other side of the country to be whipped by a stranger for a year.

But again, I did it, so I only have myself to blame.

I just had to believe they were different. That I could trust them because they were funny and cute. Because I hadn't yet seen how bulletproof and arrogant their other side is. How they have the proclivity toward self protection at all costs, while I'm already diving right in and loving being carefree and in love and unguarded, open, and at risk of losing everything again. Like a puppy in traffic.

Fucking idiot.

But i hate the thought of having armour. I want to be open and real, at least to the people that matter. I guess I have never lived 'safely', and it still doesn't sound much like life. I have been impulsive and pretty random in my decision making processes, and it's generally taken me to some pretty amazing places. But it's dragged me through the pits too, and I guess me writing this is finally my way of saying to myself "I know I am in the wrong situation". If they won't change, and it affects me this badly, it's time to wake up and realise that 9 months is more than long enough for an audition, and it's time for the next act.

I'm not saying I'm all that.

I don't even know why people like me, let alone why some have loved me. That's probably why it's so scary to let go. But sanity is more important than vanity.

One thing I have learned through all this is, it is never good to get angry. Because no matter how pent up and justified you feel screaming someone down when you're backed into a corner, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WILL WILL CRY IN THE END.

Because all anger does, is it masks fear. It's the 'fight' in 'fight or flight'. It's one of natures ways to react to attack. but there is another one available to people who have the emotional maturity and strength to actually see it through, and that is 'reason'.

That means sitting down, and holding back the rage at being disrespected, and accused of (nothing), and the shock, and the disappointment that it's happening again, and the fear of what comes next, and the anger that you're still not going to get a chance to rest again tonight, and all of that. And just breathe deeply, and not giving in to those amazingly powerful emotions.

Because when I do, I turn into shit. And no one wants to be around shit. It doesn't matter how wronged i feel, I know I just can't give in any more. Because I'm the one who always ends up crying, and in case you're new to this blog, and for some unknown reason have read this far, I'm a 37 year old heavily tattooed ex stage tech for Metallica, not a 14 year old girl.

The chorus for 'Rise' by Public Image Limited has John Lydon repeating "Anger is an energy", and that has become a totemic theme within rock music. I think it was Rage against the machine that took that ball and ran with it.

But I think it should read "anger is the enemy", because as long as we are angry, we are self defeating. I am self defeating.

And when someone who is just praying for a friend to talk to right now, defeating myself doesn't follow much logic.

I want peace in my life, and I'm not going to get that by shouting. Plus, it's just emotionally retarded to do that, and I should know better.

I am, in fact, under attack from myself in those situations, regardless of external stimulus.

Too much destruction in my life, I need construction.

And if I'm not getting it from without, I need to create some within.

So thank you for listening, you've been very helpful.

I need to draw a new map...


This is knifey, from 'the internet'.