God Complexxx.

Everyone who knows me, knows I fulfill an insanely important role in the Universe. I am ridiculously important, and without me, life and especially culture as you know it would come to a grinding halt.

You see, while you sleep, I decide what's going to be cool next week (or next year if I have time), what songs you'll want to buy, real estate prices and stock market fluctuations, who lives and dies...those sorts of things.

You thought it was God, The Reserve Bank, the free market economy, and Rupert Murdoch, but no. It's me.

I decide who's cool, what's in, what's out and when it's time for whoever to go to rehab...all from the comfort of my cosy chair.

It's not a bad job as far as they go. I mean, I get paid nothing, but the satisfaction is pretty unbeatable when you go to the shop and one of your friends comes up to you and says "Have you heard? The new Metallica album is shit!", and I can smile to myself and remember I had decided that before they even went in to record it.

So there I am, and I'm thinking about all manner of important and crucial topics, and basically sorting out what you think about them, for you.

Pretty fucking nice, right?

So it was during one of these extended remix sessions of brainstorming that it dawned on me suddenly why I, and so many other well adjusted people around the world, just love sniper rifles, or as we in the biz call them, 'telescopic-sighted, high powered accurised rifles'.

30 x magnification.

A lot of people think that it's somehow about taking life, or being aggressive. But then a lot of people think the Pope wants the best for them, or that smoking makes you look cool too.

Incorrect.

4 x magnification.

Face it, we all want super powers, at least those of us who don't already have them. Darth Vader didn't want to be Oscar Wilde, but I bet you anything you like the keyboard player from Duran Duran would have paid good money to be King Kong for a day.

And that's what this is about. When you look down that sweet Bushnell Elite 4200 scope, through the Mil dot reticle, and blow the living fuck out of an object 3 miles away, you are, essentially God.

What's for dinner? Hot lead, that's what.

It's like you just teleported into that time and place, utterly affected whatever it is you were aiming at forever, then instantly disappeared again, to a safe vantage miles away. Like you were never there. And you know what? You probably weren't.

Long stick goes "boom".

And if it's a 50 calibre rifle, it needn't just be hapless organisms that you can "affect". It can be trucks, tankers, and even aeroplanes. M107.50 isn't a radio station, it's a tool for what is known in the field, as "tactical dominance". But to you and me is simply known as "unlimited cans of whupass". With a Muzzle Velocity of 2,800 fps, a maximum range of just under 7000 metres, and armor penetrating, incendiary, dual-purpose ammunition, there isn't much you couldn't hurt. In fact, if I had a direct line of sight to St Kilda, I could unleash a shot from North Melbourne, right down King Street, through the city, past the South Melbourne Markets, through Middle Park and Albert Park, straight down to Ackland Street, and blow a hole in your torso the size of...well...your torso; while you enjoy a macchiato and discuss rising interest rates with your wank friends.

But like I say, it's not about bloodlust. That's just a bonus.

There is a fascination, or has been for about 5 years now, regarding pirates Vs. ninjas. Pirates are great because they love to fight face to face, exchange witty reparteé, and wear funny boots with big buckles on them. But ninjas kinda own, because they kill you before they even get out of bed in the morning, just by thinking about it. You never see a ninja coming, and if you do, it's only because he wanted to give you a flash of black in the night, so you'll wee your pants that little bit more when he runs you through with a katana, or sticks you in the eye with a throwing star (if you pissed him off for some reason).

In this analogy, standard handheld weapons like Beretta nine millimetre handguns are pirates, all black (or silver, I guess), and ready to talk your ear off like Samuel L Jackson while stabbing you to death with little lumps of hot projectile.

And the ninjas are sniper rifles, blowing you into utter oblivion from the other side of town, while the shooter is having a cup of tea and maybe even solving a sudoku.

Oh hell yeah!

The best thing about them is that you don't have to listen to the person on the receiving end talking, or have to deal with begging, etc. They don't know it's coming, until they're already dead, which as well all know, presents logical problems only Socrates could approach. This is especially handy when talking to your art broker in London, and not wanting to be disturbed by inane chattering and pants wetting, especially if you have a supressor equipped unit like a VSS Vintorez or the like.

I know it sounds a bit harsh, but you really have to be in that situation a few times to realise how amazingly annoying it is.

"No, no...they will never find me. I am safe here."

The technology nowadays is getting so out of control and rad we now have weapons systems and scope-enabled tech like the
The ID-SNIPER scope, which contains an advanced computer image system, which is capable of capturing a digitally restored and sharpened
bitmap image, of the ID-SNIPER victim.

"Night Night!"

This image was captured during a 'test shot' using a
ID-SNIPER prototype on suspected terrorist in Beirut.

This guy is about to have a very not awesome time.

The best tech ever though, is of course from the USA, where they are developing facial recognition optics that target enemy combatants for you. So whoever the Pentagon decides they don't like that day, can be uploaded to your arms via satellite, so if you happen to come across one of these individuals with your gunsight, your gun will automatically blow their frickin heads off for you.

That's convenience!

God bless America. Ha ha!

The next level is to work these systems into satellites themselves, fitted with intensely powerful lasers, so when some 8 year old kid from Finland is checking out Syria with Google Earth, he will witness a very bright light and a curious red mist where a guy with a funny costume was standing only seconds before. All automated. Killer robots in space with facial recognition. And hackers in Korea know this, already developing virii to be dropped into the control software of said satellites, programming them to kill anyone with a gross income of over $50,000, or people with the letter 'L' in their name.

It's gonna be AWESOME!

Of course, what the Government didn't think of, was that wanted criminals will take to wearing mirrors on top of their heads, sending the laser beam straight back up, and destroying these military satellites worth billions of dollars. It's that simple!

I have decided to sell my greatest idea to the U.S. defense department. It goes like this- fit all ATM machines with facial recognition, and internally mounted riot guns, so when someone on the FBI or CIA watch list turns up to withdraw some cash, they get a face full of Government issue buckshot instead!

Hellbourne Choppers Weapons Division modified 3700 series.

Try telling me I'm not amazing. Go on...


This is knifey, from 'the internet'.