...two steps back.
On my ever continuing quest to discover exactly what it is that drives me, to understand what exactly it is that makes me feel and think the things I do, I like to do very stupid things.
Here's a rule we should all live by: when you break up with someone, don't EVER look at their myspace page.
Just when you think you're actually ready to sayonnara everything you grew to know and love, and instead embrace your motto "onward and upward" with refreshed vigour, you have to go see her pictures and who's who and where, and suddenly you're back at square one.
For my American readers, I can spell "vigor", it's just over here we speak English. Sort of.
But it doesn't end there, because I don't like doing anything by half. Nope, if I'm to fuck something up, I have to utterly annihilate it beyond any recognition.
So I went back to our old place, to grab some more of my stuff.
And I saw that old carpet, and the peculiar smells that house had, and the weird lighting, and as I went upstairs I could just imagine all the times I'd turn the corner, and there she'd be. My god that's hard. And it's so very very gone.
For those of you late in tuning in, the "she" in question isn't dead. She's just not available or accessible in any way whatsoever. Not to me anyway. I'm sure she'd love to get to know you, however.
Why am I blogging tonight? I should know better. It's like drunk driving, it's just not done. My regular readers are probably sick of hearing me sook, and want to get back to the bad old days when I was funny.
I wouldn't mind getting back there myself!
I guess I just wanted to beat myself up, on the record, for being so slow on the uptake. For still not wanting to accept that she plain old doesn't like one thing about me any more. I don't feel like accepting that right now. Hurts.
For someone who always goes on about "being real" and "opening your eyes", that's very hypocritical.
That's me, apparently.
When someone hurts you, and you love them, how do you stop loving them? How do you wake up and say "I don't like this person?" I seriously want to know, so I can do it. Because it's really hard to focus on life and positivity when you constantly miss a person who for all intents and purposes, no longer exists. Especially when no one else you meet even compares to the hurtful version. I feel like I'd rather have her hating me and at least still have her in my life in some way, instead of having no contact or experience of her whatsoever.
I'm calling down an empty phone line here.
Can anyone out there reprogramme me (against my will)?
Don't tell me I just have to ride this all the way home. That's a long tunnel.
A real long tunnel.
This is knifey, from 'the internet'.
