When people I've loved killed themselves, I'd heard others describe it as "a cry for help".
But how do you cry for help and not die?
And who wants to help?
And what could they possibly do to pry away the rust of years and years of loneliness, self-hatred, feelings of failure, of feeling like you don't matter? How could anyone possibly help with that?
Doesn't all of that presuppose some kind of Utopian ideal? That life is somehow beautiful and filled with wonder if you can just stop feeling tired and sad all the time?
I thought life was packed to the gunnels with dissappointing people who are just fucking hateful, who act like they're the only thing that matters, that you're an inconvenience or an embarrassment. Who think they're amazing and yet they have never done anything of note in their entire lives. Never even tried. People who think going to Bali from Australia makes them a world traveller. People who think George Ezra writes good songs, that leftist progressives aren't destroying Europe, or that the right aren't absolutely fascists-in-waiting.
People who all tell you one thing to your face and something else when your back is turned. In Turkey they have a special name for that, but I can't remember what it is.
People who will fuck you over for money without a second thought.
People who will use you for everything you have, but when you need something you're suddenly all by yourself.
I don't know, you guys.
I think I've run out of steam.
Is that a cry for help?
But how do you cry for help and not die?
And who wants to help?
And what could they possibly do to pry away the rust of years and years of loneliness, self-hatred, feelings of failure, of feeling like you don't matter? How could anyone possibly help with that?
Doesn't all of that presuppose some kind of Utopian ideal? That life is somehow beautiful and filled with wonder if you can just stop feeling tired and sad all the time?
I thought life was packed to the gunnels with dissappointing people who are just fucking hateful, who act like they're the only thing that matters, that you're an inconvenience or an embarrassment. Who think they're amazing and yet they have never done anything of note in their entire lives. Never even tried. People who think going to Bali from Australia makes them a world traveller. People who think George Ezra writes good songs, that leftist progressives aren't destroying Europe, or that the right aren't absolutely fascists-in-waiting.
People who all tell you one thing to your face and something else when your back is turned. In Turkey they have a special name for that, but I can't remember what it is.
People who will fuck you over for money without a second thought.
People who will use you for everything you have, but when you need something you're suddenly all by yourself.
I don't know, you guys.
I think I've run out of steam.
Is that a cry for help?
6 comments:
Wow. I stumbled across this blog last night and have no idea what to say. I too have no parents and can relate to your very powerful words right there. I am 46 and I also wonder what the hell happened to the last 3 decades but I still go through my robotic motions day after day just existing, wondering what is around the corner. On a lighter note, my younger friends do joke about my " old person " smell
Hi Anonymous!
I'm not an expert (this blog is testament to that), but something I believe is that it would be arrogant for us to assume we know what could or might happen in life. There's no guarantee anything will happen, but my own anecdotal experience has taught me that life is full of surprises, and some of them are amazing.
So while you are going through the motions, so to speak, I don't think it's for nothing. I think we can learn so much from life if we keep searching, and once in a while really great things happen.
Whatever the future holds, thank you for taking the time to leave a comment about your experience. I really appreciate that!
We have never met J, but I have admired the things you have made and sent out into the world, bikes, art, music, writing. I would miss you if you went further away than you are now. That is completely selfish of course, and probably proves your point about the awfulness of people. I have nothing of comfort or wisdom to offer but I couldn't read your post and say nothing.
That's really lovely of you to say Anonymous, thank you.
Hi J, thanks for sharing this, i've felt the same for close to 10 years now and also wondering if it gets any easier? How are you feeling now?
Hi Anonymous. I'm really sorry to hear you feel like that. Have you ever heard the saying "You've got to be in it to win it?" I think it was developed by a marketing team to advertise the lottery, but it's equally applicable to life. I have an overwhelming tendency to lock myself away and not interact with anyone, and that's bad. It's bad because it cuts me off from new opportunities and experiences. You never know what's around the corner, I've learned that to be so true in my life. So I instead have focused on making myself get out there, so to speak, and to work on any unrealised dreams I had laying around. I've made some new friends, and with a bit of luck will successfully move somewhere else to change my scene/perspective. I do believe if you want change, you have to instigate it. I also believe that if life is going to reward you for something, you have to do some hard yards first. This obviously doesn't apply to trust fund kids/Kardashians, etc... but for us normal people, we have to make a space in our lives for the good things to grow. ANd if we do that, if we stay positive, and keep trying; then there's a chance one out of the 100 things we try will bear some fruit. And if those fruit are dreams you managed to realise- I'd take those odds any day.
Hang in there!
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