I dunno, man.
It's weird, how that sentence was controversial once. It made parents roll their eyes, and teachers think "Where did I go wrong?" It was the emoji of decades past- pre tech. Like 'wanna', and 'yup'.
But because I'm from the generation that was comfortable with it, the one that thought privately we were being subversive and inventing this impenetrable language that adults could never get; as if they didn't have their own versions of the same thing when they were our age, then we used it and other words and phrases like it.
Times change, and it's good I said that, because this post is all about time travel.
I think it's pretty normal in our pre-dawn hours of introspection to imagine what life would be like if we could do it over. And if it isn't, then let me say it's normal for me.
I fantasise I'm able to erase all of the embarrassing moments in my past, the mistakes, and the wrong turns; and to emerge into the shining future as a better version of myself. But of course I can't just let it be easy. In these fantasies I get lost in a neurotic fear of not having my iPhone or fancy computer, or any of the expensive acoutrements I have gathered around myself in a vain and pointless hope that there's meaning amongst it all somewhere. Like, how would I ever survive (again) living in the 80's without Google or iTunes/YouTube, bla bla bla?
That's kinda missing the point of a do-over, right?
And just to render the whole exercise utterly pointless and impotent, what exactly would a "better version of myself" look like? What's the end game here? What's it gonna fix that was so bad?
I live a reaaaaaaaaally solitary existence. A lot of people do, but it doesn't generally strike me as being that odd until I have to relate to other people about it. I literally don't have any friends. I have acquaintances, some more meaningful and important than others; and I have people who try to be my friend, then either give up, or silently accept the way I am and join the ranks of other acquaintances.
And I'm not lonely, although I do often wish I had someone close to me that I could fuck or share with or bitch about things with, etc. But I guess if my lifestyle has taught me anything it's that I'm not so lonely that I'd actually do anything different to facilitate those things I supposedly miss. I'm okay like this.
So in my do-over fantasies, one of the things that is different is that I arrive at this time in history with a bunch of friends. God, I'm exhausted just thinking about the reality of that, but there it is.
When I first got to Australia around 12 years ago, I only knew about 10 people. I lived in a big house with a lot of people in it, and through them and work I met more and more people. I looked around me in social situations and I saw people and their associated connections, and it became obvious that growing up with people and keeping them as friends was how a lot of people do it. They organically forged connections, and then worked to maintain them over time.
Thing is, as I recall, the people I grew up with were just retarded. Small-minded, unintelligent, petty, kinda vacuous shells of what people are meant to be. And I include myself in that assessment, by the way. It took me years and years to shed that skin and to actively develop any intelligence or individuality. And it's not like I had the patience to wait for everyone else to catch up.
So when I left the town I grew up in, moved to a different place where I could make mistakes and learn about life and myself, and then move again to where I am now, it afforded me the opportunity to become who I was going to be; but to deny any previous stages of myself if that makes sense. I don't really know the people I knew, I have no contact, except for probably my oldest acquaintance who is incredibly forgiving and understanding. And because of his nature our relationship is based on where we are now and where we're going, than who we were.
And so I realize, through this unrolling of this ball of history, that if I had've moved to where I am now, and kept the friends that I'd made, that none of it would suit the person I am. And even if I did have a lot of social connections and friendships to maintain, that it would be so against what I actually want, that I'd just hate it.
So why do I keep thinking about doing it over?
Priorities change as you age. Maybe I'm on the edge of one stage, about to fall into the next? And I say 'fall' because there's no going back once you transition. In the same way I'd strangle my teenage self if I met him now, future me is going to be so embarrassed at who I am right now, he won't want to lay claim to being me either.
Maybe I'm more lonely than I dare admit to myself? Because if I did admit it, and affirmed that I genuinely wished for my life to change- to have friends, to care and be cared for; I'm so used to being the walls-up antisocial, sardonic wanker that I am, that there's no way I could change it now. No way I could find the energy to put up with people, to leave my space, to lower my walls enough to let them see me. I used to think no one would want to anyway, but that's insecurity talking. The truth is I have hurt a lot of people by keeping them on the outside, when all they were looking for was some support. A friend.
The reality is, if I could send myself back in a time machine to inhabit the younger version of myself, but with the experience I have right now, I'd be one of the cynical, emotionless assholes I used to hate dealing with so much. The ones that worked in record stores, the ones that liked music no one else could possibly like, the ones that never smiled in public, that had no tolerance for me or my bullshit. The ones I 100% totally and completely understand right now.
And if I did that, I would have been an old man by the age of 20.
Mission failure.
This is knifey, from 'the internet'.
It's weird, how that sentence was controversial once. It made parents roll their eyes, and teachers think "Where did I go wrong?" It was the emoji of decades past- pre tech. Like 'wanna', and 'yup'.
But because I'm from the generation that was comfortable with it, the one that thought privately we were being subversive and inventing this impenetrable language that adults could never get; as if they didn't have their own versions of the same thing when they were our age, then we used it and other words and phrases like it.
Times change, and it's good I said that, because this post is all about time travel.
I think it's pretty normal in our pre-dawn hours of introspection to imagine what life would be like if we could do it over. And if it isn't, then let me say it's normal for me.
I fantasise I'm able to erase all of the embarrassing moments in my past, the mistakes, and the wrong turns; and to emerge into the shining future as a better version of myself. But of course I can't just let it be easy. In these fantasies I get lost in a neurotic fear of not having my iPhone or fancy computer, or any of the expensive acoutrements I have gathered around myself in a vain and pointless hope that there's meaning amongst it all somewhere. Like, how would I ever survive (again) living in the 80's without Google or iTunes/YouTube, bla bla bla?
That's kinda missing the point of a do-over, right?
And just to render the whole exercise utterly pointless and impotent, what exactly would a "better version of myself" look like? What's the end game here? What's it gonna fix that was so bad?
I live a reaaaaaaaaally solitary existence. A lot of people do, but it doesn't generally strike me as being that odd until I have to relate to other people about it. I literally don't have any friends. I have acquaintances, some more meaningful and important than others; and I have people who try to be my friend, then either give up, or silently accept the way I am and join the ranks of other acquaintances.
And I'm not lonely, although I do often wish I had someone close to me that I could fuck or share with or bitch about things with, etc. But I guess if my lifestyle has taught me anything it's that I'm not so lonely that I'd actually do anything different to facilitate those things I supposedly miss. I'm okay like this.
So in my do-over fantasies, one of the things that is different is that I arrive at this time in history with a bunch of friends. God, I'm exhausted just thinking about the reality of that, but there it is.
When I first got to Australia around 12 years ago, I only knew about 10 people. I lived in a big house with a lot of people in it, and through them and work I met more and more people. I looked around me in social situations and I saw people and their associated connections, and it became obvious that growing up with people and keeping them as friends was how a lot of people do it. They organically forged connections, and then worked to maintain them over time.
Thing is, as I recall, the people I grew up with were just retarded. Small-minded, unintelligent, petty, kinda vacuous shells of what people are meant to be. And I include myself in that assessment, by the way. It took me years and years to shed that skin and to actively develop any intelligence or individuality. And it's not like I had the patience to wait for everyone else to catch up.
So when I left the town I grew up in, moved to a different place where I could make mistakes and learn about life and myself, and then move again to where I am now, it afforded me the opportunity to become who I was going to be; but to deny any previous stages of myself if that makes sense. I don't really know the people I knew, I have no contact, except for probably my oldest acquaintance who is incredibly forgiving and understanding. And because of his nature our relationship is based on where we are now and where we're going, than who we were.
And so I realize, through this unrolling of this ball of history, that if I had've moved to where I am now, and kept the friends that I'd made, that none of it would suit the person I am. And even if I did have a lot of social connections and friendships to maintain, that it would be so against what I actually want, that I'd just hate it.
So why do I keep thinking about doing it over?
Priorities change as you age. Maybe I'm on the edge of one stage, about to fall into the next? And I say 'fall' because there's no going back once you transition. In the same way I'd strangle my teenage self if I met him now, future me is going to be so embarrassed at who I am right now, he won't want to lay claim to being me either.
Maybe I'm more lonely than I dare admit to myself? Because if I did admit it, and affirmed that I genuinely wished for my life to change- to have friends, to care and be cared for; I'm so used to being the walls-up antisocial, sardonic wanker that I am, that there's no way I could change it now. No way I could find the energy to put up with people, to leave my space, to lower my walls enough to let them see me. I used to think no one would want to anyway, but that's insecurity talking. The truth is I have hurt a lot of people by keeping them on the outside, when all they were looking for was some support. A friend.
The reality is, if I could send myself back in a time machine to inhabit the younger version of myself, but with the experience I have right now, I'd be one of the cynical, emotionless assholes I used to hate dealing with so much. The ones that worked in record stores, the ones that liked music no one else could possibly like, the ones that never smiled in public, that had no tolerance for me or my bullshit. The ones I 100% totally and completely understand right now.
And if I did that, I would have been an old man by the age of 20.
Mission failure.
This is knifey, from 'the internet'.
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