Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Sex with Animals.

Flowers are so great because they're like pets you can own for 5 days, watch them grow and bloom, then just throw them in the trash. It's weird though, how they are the sex organs of plants, and how we rip them off, and smell them, and put them in vases, which are basically a whole subgenre of holding devices for the dismembered sex organs of plants. Without this sick preoccupation we have with flowers, we'd just have containers, jugs, buckets, amphorae and urns.

I had a cat called Amphora once. 'Amphora Thesaurus'. She could piss literal litres of evil cat urine in any given squatting. Her favourite place, when she was angry at me, was in my bookshelf. Need I say more?

If we weren't so messed up, we wouldn't have vases. Or dildos, salsa music, guns, or French cuisine. By contrast, imagine ripping the cock off a dog, and putting it in a vase. Because that's what we do with flowers, only obviously with plants not animals. "Wow! What's that?" "That's an arrangement of chihuahua penis and seal point siamese vulva, counterbalanced with a lovely setting of cockatoo fallopian tubes".

The thing about cats, that make them so evil is, they completely lack a sense of humour. If a cat shredded your bedspread, then pissed on your face while you were sleeping, that's evil. But if they laughed when they had finished, that's more devilish and twisted, which I can appreciate. You'd be like "You BASTARD!! Why would you do that?!", and while you would be angry as hell, you'd know you got "got", and would have to accept you're a punk, and that the cat rules.

Can you imagine a cat laughing though? That would be one fucking nightmarish sound, wouldn't it? And the look on its little face, with all those needle teeth exposed, eyes crinkled up... Fuck that, that would be all kinds of wrong. Cats are so fucked, basically.

Dogs, on the other hand, are so wonderful to have around, because even though they do shred your bedspread, and roll around in dead animal remains, and eat other dogs crap, and not come when you try to call them away from people eating their lunch in the park, they do it all with a big stupid grin on their face, that just says "I FUCKING LOVE LIFE!" And then if you yell at them, they look really sorry, like they're suddenly not enjoying life at all, which is what you want from something you're yelling at. Cats just look at you with a look that says "Tonight- I piss on your face, puny human".

1.  "If you're having sex, and the dog walks past the door and sees you, is that wrong?"
2.  "If you're having sex, and the dog walks into the room and watches you, is that wrong?"
3.  "If you're having sex, and the dog walks right up close and looks at you, is that wrong?"
4.  "If you're having sex, and the dog climbs up onto the bed with you, is that wrong?"
5.  "If you're having sex, and a part of the dog touches you, is that wrong?"
6.  "If you're having sex, and the dog lays down against you, is that wrong?"
7.  "If you're having sex, and the dog lays down next to you and looks at  you, is that wrong?"
8.  "If you're having sex, and the dog licks your hand, is that wrong?"
9.  "If you're having sex, and the dog licks your hand and looks you in the eye, is that wrong?"
10. "If you're having sex, and the dog licks your face, is that wrong?"
11. "If you're having sex, and the dog licks your face and doesn't stop, is that wrong?"
12. "If you're having sex, and the dog is licking your face, and he gets an erection, is that wrong?"
13. "If you're having sex, and the dog is licking your face, and he gets an erection, and you pat him, is that wrong?"
14. "If you're having sex, and the dog is licking your face, and he gets an erection, and you climax, is that wrong?"
15. "If you're having sex, and the dog is licking your face, and he gets an erection, and you both climax, is that wrong?"
16. "If you're having sex, and the dog is licking your face, and he gets an erection, and all three of you climax, is that wrong?"

If you climaxed while reading that, I think it's pretty safe to say that's wrong.


This is knifey, from 'the internet'.

No comments: