Her Blades - redux.

I believe in love at first sight.

I believe in that moment when someone captivates you so completely with a look, or a gesture, a word, and your blood solidifies inside you. You stiffen and find it hard to breathe. Your heart pounds in your chest, your real heart, not the one you hear about in songs on late night request shows. It hurts and you love it...this is why we're alive.

Not for works or words, for towers or mines, for pearls in the depths, or diamonds in safety deposit boxes, Credit Suisse, Zurich. For words on a screen. For war.

We exist for that moment that fades like vapour, but while it holds, it holds firm. Holds us in arms of loving fracture. Makes fools of the rich and poor alike. Scares you. Scares me. Disgusts small children. Puzzles animals and rapists. Hollywood.

Passion as a foil to sanity.

I collect these moments...

I may have fallen in love with you, and never told you. I am covert in my love, I mask it with fake bravado or impenetrable nonchalance. There are signs, like when I never see you, when I am always too busy, when I hate you. Or when we laugh and spend a lot of time together. When we talk like family, fuck like we're dying. Mean to call but...

I hide love like a birth defect. Like scabs. Like an extra anus.

I hide it and collect it, take it from the light of a city street or a passing car, and smother it in darkness and rising damp. In a sack. In a box. Under the floor. I hide it til it fades, til it wanes, til it dies, expires. Til a wet sack of dead cupids rot in that box under the boards. Til you don't recognise the shapes or the colours or the smells any more. Rust coloured mud, jellyfish, Chernobyl ice water, urine. Your period. A dead rainbow.

I fell in love last week. I fell in love again last week.

Oh, if you could only have seen her. If only I could. She was so damaged and imperfect and magnificent. She was so real, and for once I wanted to love her in the open. I wanted to let it fly, set it all free, confess on bent knees with the fear of God in me. I wanted to worship before her face, and penetrate her so deeply we were indestinguishable from each other. Oh, for that touch. And the sweet pain of its unknowable capture. Oh for that touch. Oh. Oh. Oh...

Oh, but she had defenses. And she was so very dangerous. I could feel myself changing against my will. More for her, less of me. This never happens. She didn't know. She does now.

I wanted to fall on her swords, and swallow her poisons, die in the face of such pure perfection, gladly I'd go. Feel her words eventually scrape the skin from my skull, acid burns of my eyes, sweet dagger tongue cut free, as she discovered more of me to shy from.

I knew I could never attain her, I knew this all along. So her attention, and "oh my!", and other enticements only served to distract me momentarily, Icarus Point Observation Deck- "no jumping!" unheeded signpost obituary notice. Family gathers, ethanol administered, general state of forgetfulness til the inevitable fade into obscurity. History takes a sick day. Make way for more important forces, like insects and bacteria.

But still I did confess, and threw myself to her mercy. But there were lions waiting! And they were not sleeping...

Ah, the agony of foreknowledge!

And she watched, as these beasts devoured me, and apologised, which I found tender, and warmed my heart for the lions teeth and raspy tongues. Heavy paws holding me down, when I was happy to stay. As I said before, I wanted to fall on her swords.

But she didn't stay to watch, to see how it ended, because for her it already had.

And I watched her leave fondly, I would have waved had she looked back, had I had arms. Because where she was headed looked wonderful, towards a man who perhaps may have captivated her with a look, with a gesture, a word...

And as my eyes close to the last, I prayed he has no swords of his own.

Addendum

He had swords of his own...he was no surgeon. He lost a chance at immortalty! So very very human.

...and so now I start anew, at her invitation, to resurrect and rise, and join her in a bubble where we are so lost and joyful we fail to hear the breaking of waves as we sit on the sea wall. My wounds close with every brush of her lips on my neck. Lions teeth can't penetrate infatuation. Ask any zoologist worth a goddamn.

She sits in my lap and we kiss so gently we're made of oxygen and neon. Do you hear that? The insects need to be close to us. Trees breathe us deep, we expand to fill the world. You can stay, but don't bother us.

I forgot to eat, I was so intoxicated from the fermentation between us. I can smell her spine, her ilium, the wet and warm, and the dust of her future bones, as they burst into flames and dance away to create new planets, seismic and magnificent.

And I turn my back on the waiting lines of others, who have no sharp edges, but who need some. Tonight, I break hearts...I see them file into the arena as I rise above it all. How did there get to be so many? Who did they think I was? Those poor unknowing hearts, they even look surprised.

I can't apologise, all I did was smile for them on cue, look them in the eye. Pretend I was there.

And now I see her and shine until I'm higher than love, floating in this haze of highrise. Declaration.

It's a long way to fall now, we've come so far in such little time...neverending rocket power, this will take some time to cool down. It can't burn out. Numinous injection, we burn ghosts for fuel.

But that's the power of a look.

We've sealed it with kisses and words, we're truly done for.

Personally, I welcome this new death, there's been way too much living lately. Seat of the pants-flying blind-fuck consequences-I need contact living. Shut my eyes and pretend it was another, wasting the view. Half there, like sex in a teleporter. Wishing I could feel.

My skull grins silent in the blackness of my skin, eyes flash, neurons blast lightning.

Elemental.

I'm feeling now!

This delicious taste my addiction...

...no control control.



This is knifey, from 'the internet'.