The kind of post that was angry and venomous, overflowing with hurt that I could have been lied to so much, and not seen it. How angry I am at myself for giving up my independence for someone who I never actually knew. Someone who, if I knew them, I would never have let them close to me, or wasted a year of my life loving them. But I have to be careful now, you can see the venom starting to overflow.
I wanted to name names, and tell her parents what she really does for a living, or worse still, what she does after hours. But it's not for me to do. You can't change others behaviour.
But you can change your own.
I am extremely insecure.
No surpirses there. I think most of it comes from my total lack of photogenicalizm. if you point a camera at me, things will turn out bad. I think in real life I'm actually ok, but when a camera enters the picture so to speak, all bets are off. And seeing as the only way I can really see myself is from a photo (mirrors don't count), then I think I look terrible.
But something I have learned from my post-breakup wasteland, is that this kind of insecurity is horrifically dangerous, not just for me, but for those I encounter.
I am a very friendly and outgoing person I have discovered. It's very easy for me to make friends and win people over (until they read this blog!) I have found that when I leave a room, people start asking my friends about me, and say a lot of really nice things. Gay guys love me (I have large hands), British women can't get enough (apparently I come off a lot like Colin Firth in Pride and Prejudice, despite my heavily tattooed exterior), all kinds of people see different things in me that they seem to enjoy.
And this is a very good thing, because I like knowing nice people and making them feel good.
But there is a downside. because when you are friendly and genuine, and you listen, and look people in the eye, other people's insecure feelings kick in, and they think/hope that you see more in the situation than is there. They want to be adored, which is normal. When coupled with my insecurity, disastrous results can ensue.
I have to measure the amount of attention I give people, which sucks, frankly. Because when you are insecure as I am, other people's opinion of you is very important. If I spend too much time with one person, because my emotional need is to try and stay busy, to forget what I'm going through, that person gets attached very quickly (as a general rule), and then I am in a position where I have to let them down and hurt them, by not reciprocating the level of intense feeelings they are able to develop in a very short amount of time.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not the Arctic circle, I'm the Bahamas. I want to love and be loved, i won't run from that person, whoever they are. And it's not that I am hung up on my ex, and need to find someone just like her, because someone like her is someone I will never develop feelings for again. I'm ready to move on into new vistas of relationshipsville, but I am extremely picky, as well I should be.
I just don't want to be physical with anyone I'm not head over heels for. I don't want some relationship where independence means never seeing each other and even doing things seperately when together should be better. I want to wrap myself up in someone and feel all the intensity and passsion and the "I don't wanna go anywhere, I wanna stay here and hold you" thing that I dig so hard. I want the full menu. If two people are honest (haha!), and work to understand each others communication (and preferably aren't keeping their options open and giving themselves to other people at the same time), then you can be as intense as you like, without danger. Without losing yourself, your independence, or your power (more on this later).
So my point here is, because I don't want to settle, or fuck for fun, but I still crave people's attention and reassurance that I am attractive, I have created a dangerous situation where people step in to fill that void, but then get too emotionally involved, or want to be physically involved, and they get hurt.
Insecurity is dangerous, and should be handled wisely.
Besides, the very fact I have a line of willing (and beautiful) participants for the 2007 Relationship Games, must mean I have nothing to be insecure about in the first place, surely? (Don't let my photos fool you!)
I said I'd talk about power quickly, and I will.
I used to be ridiculously independent, I loved my own company, and preferred it over everyone else's. I was a hermit, and I actually liked it. When my old relationship started, her insecure demands meant I had to give her more and more so she might feel loved. More time, more attention, less time with friends. It was all about her.
Because I adored her, I did all this. I loved her when she was overweight and unemployed and depressed and needy. It wasn't easy, and we definitely clashed, but the love was genuinely there. Then she lost all her weight, changed her wardrobe, got her hair and makeup done a lot, and suddenly was transformed. Her new line of work meant men would pay attention to her non stop, and so she started to see that she was genuinely desirable (to look at), and that she was worried for no reason. Her attitudes changed, and suddenly she started to feel entitled to more out of life. And she didn't need my reasssurance any more, because she had it from every other direction.
But I had given her all my power. I was no longer independent, i was totally focussed on her, and making her see what I saw in her (which in retrospect was a total fantasy). But she was focussed on her too. And not on me at all.
Her needs and desires and expectations had morphed into some disgusting soulless monster, and I was left lovesick and unable to think about anythingg else. I gave her all my power, and that was my mistake.
I used to have a motto that was "never get involved wwith anyone you couldn't walk away from". It was very cynical and cold hearted, but I see why I thought that- to protect me from this.
But I will not freeze over again.
I have learned too much from this last year to deprive myself of the joy that comes from a loving companionship. I am no longer scared that I will not be able to attract the girl of my dreams, wherever she is. I think my chances are pretty good. And so I will continue to strive for happiness and positivity, and avoid dingy and heartless scenes that unfortunately those people I know seem to be magnetised by.
Having said all that, if you talk to me tomorrow, chances are I will be in the pits of despair, crying my eyes out, hurt, rejected, and forlorn. And the worst thing is, I have to go through all of that alone, because if I let someone hold me, there is a good chance they won't want to let go. And I transfer all that rejection and pain to them (while still keeping my original copy for tax purposes).
Life truly is a rollercoater. Let's all just hope it isn't the one at Luna Park in St Kilda. Or we're all dead meat.
This is knifey, from 'the internet'.
