Do you ever feel like you're going crazy?
Your brain belongs to you, correct? But if it does, why is it so easy for other people to fill it up and take over your thoughts til you're so full of them you have no idea where the 'you' part is? Who's driving this thing? I've been jacked.
My relationship ended a week ago. She packed her things, moved out of our shop, and went to stay with a friend. She's not coming back she says, and I for one believe her. She's very angry, to the point where I no longer recognise the girl she's become. Instead of dancing with me in the kitchen in our underwear, she's somewhere else, doing things I'll never know, with I have no idea who. It's probably for the best, that way. She made it clear she's not in love with me any more, and if I had've been able to read her mind, I would have seen it coming. I knew she was unhappy. And I would have done anything I could to change that. But our communication was the worst, it still is.
She: (Asks question.)
He: (Answers.)
She: (Makes up her own answer, then says "How could you say that?!")
He: (Gets increasingly frustrated, as he never said "That".)
She: (Brings up something else he never said.)
He (Loses his mind.)
She has so many stresses in her life, it's not easy for her. And I would love to see her dreams come true, for her to attain her goals. She's a rising star, there's no doubt about that. But I'll have to read about her in the papers, just like you.
She wants to be friends. I think she'll change her mind about that. Suddenly I never hear from her any more, she's a ghost. An insanely beautiful, angry, cold ghost.
And now I'm looking at a future I'm not ready for- without her. Tunnel vision...
I'd like to think things like "Great! The future is full of endless possibilities!", and other optimistic thoughts, but my mind is more concerned with this crushing loneliness, fear no one is ever going to want me again, or even more frightening, that I'm not going to want anyone else. It takes a lot for me to let someone in. And I don't want to go back to sleeping around and acting like it's valid for me. I want to love someone, I'm very much geared toward it now. I don't want to replace emptiness with more emptiness. She was always convinced I would eventually replace her with someone better, that I was never really all about her. And now she's gone, she can't see just how I can't get past her, how she was the one girl I wanted.
I've met a few girls since last week. Girls that say "Take my number", and try to kiss me in bars. Pretty girls, maybe even interesting girls. But I have no spark with these girls, and don't want to date them, or pretend to be interested for the sake of sex. I don't want sex. I want love.
I don't want to replace her. But I don't want the new her either. I want my girl back, the one I fell for. The one that fell for me. Not the one who doesn't want to realise that the only thing standing between us, and the dreams we had, is her. She thinks it's impossible for us to relate. I agree. But of the two of us, I'm the only one who believes that can change if we want it to. If we seek help, work it through, and help each other. Apparently it's easier to give up, and hate the other person. And to create a totally fictitious belief system around what we had- as an extremely negative, possibly even abusive cycle leading to insanity. All we needed to do was talk, want to talk, commit to talking. But that was before she slammed the door and nailed it shut, without telling me she was doing it. I wish i could do that. Hate doesn't hurt like loss. Either way, I don't want to get back together either. I couldn't love who she is now. I'll leave it at that.
I've learned so much about me from this breakup. So in that sense, it's been good. But it feels pointless too. I'm sure that will make sense to someone out there. I've been concentrating on focussing solely on the positive, and a lot of the time I feel ok. But grief comes in waves, so just when I think I'm on the rise, that the worst part is over, I capsize.
She became my best friend, my confidante of choice, which is why I'm writing to cyberspace right now. I have no one to talk to. I'm so lonely, and I don't understand it. I used to LOVE solitude, I craved it. I defended it. Right now I am terrified of it...the seconds like minutes, the minutes like hours...
...and all the insecurity that comes with being abandoned.
I wonder what she's doing now?
I wonder if she thinks about me?
I wonder why she hates me so much, when all i wanted to do was make our dreams come to life?
I'll never know the answers.
I'm circling here...there's something I want to say, but I don't know how to access it. maybe I can telll you a story?
When I used to be a guitar tech, I'd tour with bands around the country or the world. You'd ride with them, sleep with them (on the smaller tours anyways), eat with them, all that. But you were never one of them. This was illustrated by the lonely hours you'd spend in the venue, all alone in your part of the world, making those guitars sing, while they'd be doing press, groupies, or fun stuff.
There may be other techs/crew around, but they'd be away in their areas, and you'd be in yours. For hours and hours. Then the show would start, and you'd be alone at the side of the stage, doing your job, out of sight (usually). There would be a wall of sound, lights going off everywhere, screaming fans, and in amongst it all, you feeling a state of loneliness I just can't describe. Surrounded by people, yet utterly alone. Luckily, you were busy, but you still felt it.
Then, after the show was packed down, you'd drive the the next city, that long black highway, the very epitome of loneliness, like the sound of trucks at the edge of town, bunked down in a one star motel.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have known loneliness before. A few different breeds of it. I've even known this particular strain before. But it never gets easier. I'm really sick of being lonely. I think that's what I want to say.
If the people around me are to be believed, I'm a bit of an inspirational-type person. I make things happen, a lot of different things. They say I'm talented (I don't buy it though), that I'm interesting, fun, hell, apparently I'm even pretty good looking. So if all that is true, I hope it isn't too much of a fantasy to ask this:
I want a pair of eyes to look into. A pair of eyes that captivate me, that shine happiness on me, that want to see me. I want hands that I can hold, hands I can hold whenever they are by my side, wherever we are going. I want a voice that will tell me how it feels, what it thinks, what it wants. A voice that won't lie to me. A voice that doesn't tell me what I want to hear, but has the courage and self-belief to declare who it is to me, and be proud of it. I want a mind that thinks about what it is, and what it does, and its place in the world. I want a mind that wants to know who I really am, not a concept it makes for itself. A mind that can accept my love, instead of always thinking that I am just settling for less. I want ears that will hear me when I speak my truth. Ears that don't block me out, only to believe insecure or paranoid beliefs to make it easier to keep distance. And I want a body. A body that pines when it is not near to me, or at least thrills at the prospect of being near to me again. A body I can wrap up with my body, and hold close, and treasure for as long as I have a body to treasure it with. I want to be in love. And I want to trust that love, and know that even if things are hard, that if both people really love each other and want to understand each other and talk it through, they can. I want to trust, laugh, grow, and rise with someone.
And most of all, I want to lose that feeling I had until a week ago, that the person I was with wasn't truly in it. That all of their jealousy and paranoia was somehow my fault, when I was rock solid in my commitment to her, and had no intention of that changing. That I was to blame for their belief that I was emotionally unavailable, when the real situation was that they wouldn't let themself be loved by me.
I was crazy to think I'd feel better by letting this out.
Now I get to turn out the lights, and lie wide-eyed in bed til it's time to start work, tortured by questions I'll never know the answers to, and terrified that this is my new life, just like this.
She doesn't think I'm worth loving. I believe I am. Please Universe, prove me right.
This is knifey, from 'the internet'.
