Control is an illusory mindset some of us rely on to help us to feel like the world isn't a massive, random event generator, with no more interest in us winning than an ant doing so. Which of course, is exactly what it is.
In Zen, they say "Be like water", in that water eventually gets to where it's going- nothing can stop it...if it/you is/are patient. I think it was Einstein who defined insanity as doing things the same way but expecting different results. Water doesn't do things the same way, it flows along the path of least resistance. It doesn't set out to change it's surroundings, but in doing what it does naturally, it effects everything.
So if something isn't working we need to change it up, try something new. And just like a car that continually lets you down, or an organ that fails, sometimes we need to take that part out and put in a new one.
We need to do this with people also. Friends so often drift away on a different path, and so without saying goodbye, we watch them fade over time until they live in memories, or the occasional awkward chance meeting in a supermarket late at night.
And sometimes we have to be more active- and enforce that distance. I know a guy that has been jailed for multiple cases of statutory rape/threatening to kill/general sick behaviour... he's dreaming if he thinks I'll ever make time for a chat. I stopped talking to him before he hit the news, because I could feel something was wrong there. Instinct is very powerful when you don't dilute it with insecurity and jealousy.
So there's the word- jealousy.
Jealousy is the high water mark of a persons desire to control another, based on fear (what isn't, actually?), and never appropriate.
In the Western world, we all live in a society controlled by fear. Fear of the ruling class losing their stranglehold on ALL OF THE MONEY. Fear of the consumers losing ALL OF THEIR MONEY. Fear of the lower classes of HAVING NO MONEY.
The answer to that problem is clear- get rid of money, and invest our time and energy into a different system that benefits everyone, instead of a select few hoarding away everything for...no real logical reason.
And when a person is jealous beyond a certain point (because we should always try and help each other through hard times when we can), it's time to cut them out as well.
If a person can't be around you without having to control you, then that interaction is clearly not healthy. It's no longer an interaction. It's an infection.
And if they continually manipulate you, and make you feel like you're always doing something wrong (based solely on their inability to trust), then it's simply time to walk away.
Another thing I learned a long time ago through personal experience is that those who are most jealous, are the most dishonest. And while they are terrified of you leaving them for someone else (even if you have no intention of doing so), they will be cultivating multiple exit strategies, nurturing flirtations, ready to man the lifeboats if things don't go their way; so they won't have to be alone, or deal with what they have done. They forget you quickly, love turns to hate, they're on the next ride, thinking foolishly they have left their problems behind.
I know this, because I used to be the most jealous and possessive guy in the world. And I find it embarrassing to admit, because it really is low behaviour, shows such a lack of evolution. But then, I did a lot of that back then.
And now that I have the perspective, I can see that my jealous pressure on my partners virtually guaranteed they would cheat on me, or break up and find someone better, because they couldn't breathe in the space we shared. Makes sense- if you push hard enough, the other person will eventually move away from you.
My Mother used to say- "Leave a space for them to grow into". Isn't that something? Leave your partner space inside of you? One of the most beautiful thoughts I've ever come across.
And so I learned to relax. It looks easy when I write it like that, but it isn't. It's like any addiction, and it took years and years of painful soul searching and hard changes to get out of that hole, and back to the surface.
But I climbed out of that, and into reality, and saw just how far I had fallen, how much it hurt. Not just me, but everyone. And it became obvious that my Mum was right, and so was my old Master from Gungfu- "The greatest in control, is achieved with the open hand".
If you squeeze something too hard, it'll slip from between your fingers.
So I decided I didn't want to squeeze any more. I decided I didn't want to control someone into liking me, but I did want to enjoy the reward when someone did so, all on their own.
And I found the more I exercised those muscles, the easier it became to simply not care. To enjoy relationships, without having to control them. And definitely to base my desire to be with someone on who they are, not on how much I can change them to suit my own wants.
So I don't want to mince words here- jealousy is a disease. It will cause you infinite misery, and absolutely torture those who try to love you. It will turn you into a person no-one wants to be, and just because it mostly happens in private, doesn't make it any more acceptable.
Jealousy alters your perception of reality. It interferes with your natural intuition, and infects it, to the point where you either see things that aren't there, or read into things that pose no threat to you whatsoever. It makes you crazy. Who wants that?
This feeling also makes you feel justified in doing things that are unacceptable within a relationship- checking up on your partner, undue suspicion, invasion of private email or facebook accounts, these are all self-justified through the feeling of corrupted intuition.
You feel like you have a right to do something wrong, based on faith that what you think is correct. No offence, but that's what The Crusaders, The Nazis, The Spanish Inquisition, and Al Qaeda all did too.
I straight-up ripped this next section right off a website all about this stuff, because I might be highly enlightened, but I'm still a total badass, so here it is:
Signs you suffer from jealousy.
- Questioning your partner's activities and whereabouts, but not in a friendly way. Any couple in love is going to want to know what each other is up to, that's normal. What we're talking about here, is questioning with suspicion and doubt--and usually not believing the answer.
- Worrying and fantasizing about what your partner might be doing or saying with another person. This can become "crazy making" for the jealous person, where they can't stop the obsessive thoughts.
- This usually involves assuming the worst of your partner. In other words, the jealous person does not give their partner the benefit of the doubt...they assume the worst, and convince themselves it's true. Because of this, another symptom of jealousy would be witholding love, not smiling or laughing or being friendly with your partner.
- And finally, you know you're jealous if you're checking your partner's email, text messages, phone logs and receipts--or questioning mutual friends/acquaintances on your partner's whereabouts / social media activity.
- You need your self esteem to be strong to be healthy in any relationship. So, with your high self esteem intact, you say to yourself, "Well, I'm good. If s/he is dishonest and unfaithful enough to act like that, it's their problem. I will stay focused on being happy and having a good life. If their love for me is true, they'll come around. If not, then we'll see what happens. I'm not going to let the feelings of jealousy and suspicion take over my mind and steal my joy. Most importantly, it is important to not concentrate on fear of abandonment, as your high self esteem will reassure you that you need not be alone."
- A healthy person has a full and fulfilling life, and a lot of resources to turn to if their partner is being unfaithful or disloyal or just irresponsible. So, when the signs of jealousy start showing up, they would perhaps get more involved in things that feel good and fulfilling.
- What about anger? Well, of course, anybody's going to feel angry if their partner is acting badly--but a healthy person has healthy anger. That would mean that yes, you would talk about your feelings with your partner, but in a healthy way. These communication skills for couples will give you a step by step way of working through tough feelings without getting into major conflict.
Normally this blog is for either my writing, or for shooting the shit/ranting/whatever grabs me at the time. But I want to open it up to you if you have feelings like those I've just talked about.
Contact me though here if you need a friend or some support, remain anonymous if you like, and I will tell you the truth about where you're at and what you can do that will result in your maximum happiness.
On a personal note, I don't have a lot of love in my own life at the moment, and I know that the best cure for feeling that way is to send out love to others. So whether you're a guy or a girl, no matter what walk of life you're from, or where you're going; if you need a friend to be real with you, and help you out of the hole you're in, I'm right here.
No one deserves to put themselves through emotional pain for fear of being alone. The good news is, the sooner you can work out the damage, the less the likelihood of you being alone is.
You can do it, you just have to want to.
This is knifey, from 'the internet'.