Friday, March 27, 2009

March recap.

It was my birthday this month, 38.

I have grown so much, and simultaneously become more retarded than ever.

I have been learning a lot about ego, how it holds me back not only from being genuinely happy or productive, but how it has even crept into my guitar playing- how it has convinced me of many untruths that have been halting my progress past the point I've been for years. Being miserable is one thing, but if something fucks with my ability to be a better player, it's outta here!
I don't know why I was surprised- it's not like the Universe has different laws for different parts of our lives.

It's amazing how insidious and redundant this ego thing is. How we carry it around with us, like a parasite, and it infects our lives, our decision making process, our happiness. Is it the conduit by which the Universe introduces confusion into our lives? Is it the necessary dark to balance out the light? Or is it a psychological holdover from a time when we needed that function? Any comments would be most appreciated.

I have to get my head together, apparently I will be playing overseas for six months out of the year, and in Australia for the other six. Back on the road, back to living out of a guitar case. Obviously, I can't wait. I've been enduring suburbia for a year now, and it has felt more like Siberia (without the physical torture).

I'm not cut out for this 'living with lots of other people thing'. I almost gave my Mother a heart attack when I told her I would like to move out to the country when I get back from touring again. Walking through a shopping mall, being that close to other humans, I really don't like it. My girl doesn't like it either, so we don't feel too freakish over it. At festivals, even just in the city, on public transport, the physical proximity to other people makes me feel so uncomfortable. And the behaviour of people just isn't getting any more enlightened. Loud, self centered, inconsiderate, smelly people. Everywhere. There is a conspiracy theory circulating lately that the reason Army Black Hawk helicopters are doing training exercises in Melbourne city lately is to rehearse their future mission of reducing the population, through spraying of toxins. I just thought "That makes sense". Sorry about that.

This musical journey thing just keeps blowing my head apart. People that are total heroes of mine look are all of a sudden negotiating with me (through their management) to play in this band. People who I'd see on tv over the last year and think "Man it would be cool to talk to them". Now I get to share a stage with them, it just makes everything that has come before feel worthwhile- the big picture at it's most panoramic. I all of a sudden identify with Henry Rollins, so chuffed with where being Hank has taken him. Scratching my head, thinking "How did this happen- I LOVE it!"

It also applies a lot of pressure to me to piss excellence, and I'm a bit out of practice. But if there's one thing I'm good at, it's coming through at the last minute.

I was thinking about this earlier today...about how lucky I have been to have seen and been all of the disparate elements of my life so far. And how honestly with most of them, I had no right whatsoever to be in those situation in the first place. My style is, and always has been, to find something that looks interesting, whether it's a job, or a skill necessary to a particular situation, or a hot new girlfriend, and to walk right into it (so to speak). I have held down work for which I had no experience whatsoever, but whoever was hiring, clearly didn't know that.

Employer- "Can you do this?"
Me- "Totally."

The English call that "Blagging it". I call it "Earning money to eat".

Speaking of eating, my girl is a ridiculously good influence on me, and has reignited my waylaid vegetarianism. I can't say I'm doing it for the lambs and baby calves of this world, because I never eat lamb, veal, or anything that is a baby anyway. Or fish. Or anything from the sea. But if you were beef or chicken, you were on the menu.

So now I have stopped eating them as well, and I'm glad. To be honest it isn't for environmentalism, because a comet could wipe us out at any moment (and a few weeks ago one almost did!). I just feel like it's right, and also that eating meat just isn't necessary. I don't need it, the research says it's actually bad for you, that we weren't designed to eat it after all (despite the ads sponsored by the meat board, hiring Sam Neill to put a pseudo-scientific face on the subject).

Whatever. I'm not here to preach. But I feel better for committing to this again, after falling off for the last ten years. Yup.

Speaking of animals and suffering, I feel quite lost the last few days. My emotions are all over the place, and the reason is because I killed my 6 week old kitten, Earl.

Let's be straight here- I didn't mean to.

Lately, him and his 5 siblings have all found their legs, and became incredibly adept at launching themselves at high speed, seemingly teleporting into places they just did not exist in one millisecond before. And they love human feet. It's a bad mix.

I was on my tip toes hanging something on a wall. I looked behind me and counted 6 kittens in various parts of the room, looked forward again to check what i was hanging was still in place, then stepped back. I felt a horrible crunching sound, and I spun around to see the pick of the litter lying on the floor, silent, his nerves making him writhe and twist in the most awful ways. I dropped to my knees and gently touched his cheek, as blood poured from the side of his head, from his cracked skull. His brain was hanging out of one of his ears, and he had the most heart breaking look of shock on his face, as his already dead body tried to kick a couple more times. I had crushed his skull and broke his neck at the same time, and weighing in at 91 kilograms, it would have happened before he knew what hit him. That doesn't make anyone feel better though.

I did that. It's one of those times you'd give anything for a time machine.

He was only 6 weeks old, my girl and I were there when he was born, ripping open amniotic sacs and severing umblical cords. He was the first one we named. I can't get the image out of my mind, or the physical feeling of killing him. He trusted me and ran to me whenever I walked into the room. He would purr when I cuddled him, he was going to be the best cat. And my guilt and remorse couldn't be more complete. My girl doesn't blame me, and my Mother said these things just happen, even when you're trying to be careful, but of course my mind always comes up with a thousand things I could have done to prevent it. The other kittens all still love me, I don't think they understood what was happening. Makes me feel worse.

My girl cried and cried, and it was the first time I had ever seen that. It was important for her, to let it out, but my God it added so much more pain to the situation. I tried to be strong, but I cried some guilty tears much later in the night.

So, R.I.P. Earl, 16th February, 2009- 25 March, 2009. You're my favourite, and I will miss you more than your little kitten face would ever understand.

I hope April turns out a lot less destructive.

This is knifey, from 'the internet'.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Magnification and Magnificence.

I'm back in Melbourne, I live here again.

Perth taught me so much, which is what it was for, and I am so grateful for those lessons, opportunities to shed my skin, and grow more. All clich
és, I know, but as I say, they exist for a reason.

I remember a year of work, hard work. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I broke down to my lowest point, explored the nature of regret, and as ashamed as I am of ever having sunk so low, I'm proud I made it out alive.

Onward and upward.

There wasn't anything I could salvage from that time. I made some friends, and thanks to the magic of the internerd, we stay in touch. I own more useless objects and status symbols, which more and more I feel are like lead weights around my ankles. I've made the removals industry rich in a time of recession. But my reason for going there in the first place has relegated itself to history, no chance for peace, no way to undo some of what was done. It's out of my hands, and as much of a shame as that is, I've moved on.

That's all you can do.

So here I am, and I am dating a celebrity, which my ego doesn't enjoy at all. Having to wrestle with questions like how would I feel if she was asked to go on tour for 2 years without me, What do I think about her joining one of the most succesful bands in the country, Can I cope with all the sycophants and associated spoken ephemera? This time around though, I feel like I have finally bonded with the kind of person who is so unashamedly real, so all about doing right, and being honest, speaking honestly, thinking honestly. And that makes trust. So as strange a journey as it is, not being the rock star sterotype for a change, having to defer status, be happy for your partners success, I feel safe, and that's a whole lot of something good.

"Good things".

I'm a professional guitar player again. It makes me feel calm to know my revenue stream emanates from my eight fingers, from my own two hands. I feel talented and worthwhile, and in control of my destiny. I have faith and hope and love, and all of those things people sing about in Church, albeit mine being in a radical Atheist sense.
I have started writing music again, after a long year of not, and I have been amazed at just how well it has all turned out. That limb didn't atrophy- Hallelujah! And my writing partner is my life partner- there's a love story in that.

We met through honest mutual admiration, it's a rare thing for either of us to be blown away by another musician, floating around out there in the miasma of other musicians. And through that exploration of just how far we could connect musically, love happened. Sure, there was always attraction, but more than that, we both had to feel like it was worth stepping up to that next level, as we both had the feeling it was serious and essential and not the kind of situation we would ever be inclined to step down from again. We had to be sure.

So like cautious dancers in a dusty and warm theatre, we allowed our abstract adagio to unfold, forgetting the basse danses of our respective pasts, the endless degages and effaces, and of course, enrosques; moving slowly closer, gauging the distance, like lovestruck engineers, meeting in the middle of an unfinished span, the two parts finally coming together, after years of high wind and raging waters below.

Similes can be anything, like a raging thesaurus -a word dinosaur.

And so here I am, happy and safe and calm and fulfilled and energised and excitable again. Looking forward to things, instead of an endless highway of sameness. And things that have started to happen, as opposed to things that one hopes for but never gets close to.

I have killed so much of my debt I no longer feel like I'm drowning, and I've gotta say, that's a great feeling. Also to know the rest of that balance is on its deathbed, awaiting the inevitable scythe of final payment.

I kill it, not the other way around...sounds like a line from the next Terminator movie- "You killed my Father, you tried to kill my Mother. You will NOT kill me!" Still, the comparisons between G.E. corporations Finance division and homocidal half human robots don't end there...

So what else?

I'm bored with Facebook, I'm so hungry to find something on the internet worth diving into...graffiti is all the same now, music- predictable, I need a good graphics or art site. Suggestions?

Mum, if you're reading this- I am exercising and eating properly.

There's your update.

This is knifey, from 'the internet'.