Monday, February 28, 2005

The Next Big Thing (Again)...

As you all know, I flat out refuse to do what I'm told.

When Zach de La Rocha screamed "Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me!", by Christ I was listening!

When Dee Snider yelled "I wanna rock!", I was already there waiting with a bottle of Jack and a stripper named La-la.

And when Paul Stanley sang "I wanna rock and Roll all night, and party every day!", I had just gotten back from a full year of doing that, and was about to have a power nap before he convinced me otherwise.

I pretty much do what I want basically, and you? Well, you LOVE IT.

And why wouldn't you?

I envy you guys. I really do.

If you wanna know what's cool this week, all you have to do is come up in here, and ole knifey will tell ya.

Never mind magazines, and newspaper style sections. Forget fashion week, and the Billboard Charts.


Because they're wrong!

And I am so, so right.

Case in point:

My painfully stylish friend, who is not only a model, but is a model FROM PARIS almost crapped in her pants when she saw a photo of me, circa 1989, wearing:

  • Skin tight acid wash Levi's, with the knees ripped out
  • Ugg boots
  • A Vision Streetwear tee shirt that was vintage even then.
  • Eddie Van Halen in the video for 'Panama' hairdo
  • An Einsturzende Neubauten tattoo
  • Drunk, and
  • Out of my head on heroin.

All of these icons of style have come and gone in the decade since, but you all know who invented them- me.

I invented pretty much everything as a matter of fact, except:

  • Smoking
  • Having sexual relations with animals
  • Being old
  • Body odour, and
  • Diarrhoea.

All of these things were invented by other people, who are clearly totally inferior to me, and have no innate sense of style.

I seriously have fashion designers come up to me on the street, in total awe, saying "I loooove your WALK! Where did you learn to walk like that?!" "Milan" is my usual reply, but that is a lie. I have never been to Milano, only to Florence, and that was for the anal sex, not for fashion. Although, anal sex is totally making a comeback, but that's behind, I mean, beside the point right now. Cum. Back. Anal.

Point is, I get asked to do runway stuff all the time, but I always decline. "Let the new kids have a go", I say.

I have had 6 girlfriends who were fashion designers, but I'm not telling you who they were. You can tell for yourself, just look for 6 designers who have big smiles and walk funny, and that'll be them.

I have dated countless models (I say that coz models generally can't count), and have lived the kind of 'behind the velvet rope' cocaine soaked existence most can only dream of.

Kate Moss? Sure, I pashed her.

So seeing as I'm so utterly cool I have the North Pole for a penile gland, I'll tell you what's coming back into fashion...


Anticlimax, right?

Most of you poindexter-ass motherfuckers didn't even know what shred was the first time!!!

God I'm patient... *sighs*

Shred= totally pyrotechnic/explosive/pants meltingly hot guitar playing.

Some people say that shred is just wanking on a guitar.

I say, people who say that can't shred (like i can).


It felt pretty nice last time I did it (I usually get others to take care of it for me though, as you know.) I'm a busy guy.

There are lots of jealous little indie-shoegazer mummy's boys who can only play 6 chords, and 5 of them are minor, and they hate it when shredders rock the spot, coz we all know guys who blaze on the guitar get all the girls, all the time, like 24/7, and 4 eva.

Do you think gary Moore got girls because he looked cute? (Because he didn't).

Imagine the oldest, dried up, flaky, stinky seafood piece of crap you can.

Now imagine THAT took a crap, and you've got Strongbad. I mean, GARY MOORE.

Clearly, Gary ain't getting no action from the ladies, especially with that pretty boy Phil Lynott floating around. (If you have no idea who I am talking about, kill yourself now, because your existence is shameful and embarassing to the whole idea of being cool and rocking out).


And as good as Gary was, he couldn't even shred!

So who did shred?

Well, that's easy!

There was me, of course.

And apart from me, there was Yngwie Malmsteen, Vinnie Moore, Joe Satriani, Steve Vai, Jason Becker, Paul Gilbert, and a bunch of other dudes with real nice hair....most of whom are Italian for some reason.

Contrary to popular belief, and as sweet as he is, Kirk Hammet was never an exponent of shred, even though he was a student of Joe Satriani. He also sucks at writing solos. Suxxx.

So your homework, is to go get as many illegal downloads of Racer X, Yngwie Malmsteen and Rising Force, Mr Big (first album), Steve Vai (post Frank Zappa band), Satch, and anyone who played a seven stringed Ibanez as you can.

New guys to listen out for, who you have never heard of before are Francesco Fareri, and Rusty Cooley.

Google them now, I DARE YOU !!!

Listen to some of Rusty's stuff, close your eyes, and just imagine you're flying through the air on your pegasus/unicorn, with lightning bolts shooting out of your eyes, killing all the enemy knights and making all the fair maidens want to put their hands all over your shiny electric guitar from God himself, with Hellfire kickassing out behind you, and a Mountain of MESA Triple Rectifiers screaming feedback so loud Satan and all his demons quake in fear of your awesome and majestic infernal guitar wizardry.

That's what I do, anyways...

Hell yeah- the PEGAKORN !!!

Now seeing as I'm totally honest, and I would never lead you astray, I'll tell you the downside to shredding.

The drums and the basslines all, and without exception, suck like there is no tomorrow.

It's so 'all about the guitar', that the drums and the bass end up kinda riding behind on mules, and with no superpowers at all...and the mules only have one leg. And it's broken.

But hey, who said anything had to be perfect, right?

Yeah, I know...apart from ME.

In other news, if you want to make me really happy, and you're good at making stuff out of plastic, feel free to make me a trigger-guard to put over the caps lock button on my keyboard.

I get so excited telling you all how awesome i aM I END UP DOING THIS ALL THE TIME, oR eVEN wORSE...tHIS!

I spend so much time going over my posts cutting out unwanted crapslocks that I run low on time to laugh at my own jokes.

And that just sux.

I don't know why, but i woke up today after only 3 hours of sleep, in a TOTALLY FURIOUS MOOD and I don't know why.

My optical mouse made the mistake of thinking it could piss me off by not working, which, although it achieved its objective, also achieved total annihilation at my hand also.

I smushed it good.

So when I get my new crapslocks trigger guard, i would like a back massage, and maybe a penis massage also.

Please register your interest in the usual manner.

This is knifey, from 'the internet', and I LOVE YOU.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Personal Ads you will Never See...

Being stuck at home with a back injury has left me with nothing but time to browse the net, looking at people, and of course, judging the crap out of them.

Have you ever looked at a personal ad or the like, and had a totally different commentary running through your head, than the one they're trying to feed you?


So here's my rundown, of the 30 personal ads, you will never, ever see.

1. Hey wzup PEEEPZ! Im Roxy and i luv da clubz! Luv j-lo an britney 2. U no wat 2 do! don b a hata u no im hot,lol! i gotz no brane! YEAH!!!

2. Hi, I enjoy computers and surfing the net. I haven't had sex in 6 years, and to be honest I'm pretty desperate. I have deep seated emotional issues, and I'm not at all interested in facing them. I am living a fantasy, hoping someone will look at my pic and tell me I'm gorgeous, when we all know that will never happen.
PS- I am a witch, and I'm holding the phone upside down.

3. Hello! Here I am with my cat! So that means no guy is going to write to me, because guys all know girls who pose with cats are lonely and desperate. If I posed with a dog, my inbox would fill up in 3 minutes! But no, stupid spinster-ish me had to go find the cat and drag his nasty ass in front of the camera. Oh well..goodbye.

4. Yo, I'm Mike, and I just got out of prison. I've got a big hard dick, and its HARD, 4 real. H.A.R.D. Laydeez, you know what time it's DICK TIME. In your ass too, coz that's how I do nowadaze. I'ma doggystyle y'all til your ass gets a Mike shaped bruise up on it. Hit me up quick bitch, before I turn up at your crib and give it to y'all anyways. Respect the dick. I love Jesus yo.

5. Yeah, my name is Mandy, and I'm totally high maintenance. I live at home with my parents, even though I'm 26. I'm basically looking for a guy who will take me out in a Lexus or a BMW SUV, and buy me whatever I want. I won't sleep with you, even if you're hot. My vagina has sealed over, from all the shit I think all day. I pretty much just want to use you, and you can be seen with me on your arm. If you fuck anyone else though, I will get my daddy to kill you. My hobbies are shopping, and saying "no". I am literally wearing jeans as a top.

6. Hey! I'm Bec, and I'm 12. I like boys lol! I like the beach! And sleepovers! What the fuck am I doing on here???!!!

7. My name is Jodi an i like partyin and boys. I live on the Gold Coast, and...yeah. I want to do hair and makeup at TAFE. I have 23 kids. I am 56 years old.

8. Check out my fuckin' TITS!!!!
Everywhere I go, guys go APESHIT and want to FUCK MY ASSHOLE!!! So COME ON!!! I'm totally NAKED RIGHT NOW!!! I'm FINGERING MY PUSSY, thinking of YOU!!! I was RAPED when i was 12 by my COUSIN, and ever since I've been acting like a SLOBBERING CUM BEAST. Someone please see through all this HORNY SHIT and save me, because i seriously think I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF!!! I'm LOSING ALL HOPE IN HUMANITY!!! Oh FUCK!!! FUUUUUCKKKK!!!!!

9. Hi! My names Briget, and I have a boyfriend, who I love (Hi James!) So what am I doing here? Well, obviously, I don't love James as much as I say I do, and I'm waiting for some confident, up-himself, gym-buff demi-god to send me a message, so I can meet up secretly and eventually dump James' sorry ass. Love ya baby!

10. Hi! Im Melb Chick who love's to Party and party hard!! Im a fun-loving, out-going, wild, crazy girl, always looking for a good time!!! Family comes first. Translation: I live in a tiny world, and have no interest in replying to 99.9% of you. I am judgemental and sceney to the extreme, and struggle through the misapprehension  that I'm better than everybody else. I have terrible taste in music and would die if I worse something without a label on it. In short, don't bother, unless you're Brad Pitt. No, seriously...don't.

11. HEY HEY HEY.... im Sarah whats doin i like having fun chattin away and laughing! tis all good sooo um yeah i like stuff and guys lol. You would have to be a brianless turd to reply to me, you really would.

12. I'm Melissa 19 female from Morayfield, Brisbane I'm single & looking :P so if you're interested give me a buzz I might like to get to know u hehe ;) I'm a manager in hospitality, still live @home, do freestyle break dancing, I love techno music =) Read this again- Brisbane, lives at home, techno music. You're still going to message me though, because I'm fucking perfect looking. Life's crazy like that.

13. Hey! I am a serial rapist, looking for ditzy and generally stupid females to meet in private, out of the way places, drug, and of course, assault sexually. Hit me back soon, I can hardly wait!

14. hey people i am a mum of 2 beautiful babies. i'm on here because i need to still feel attractive, and since the babies came i couldn't give less of a crap about my husband if i tried. don't get me wrong, he's really supportive and loves me, but suddenly I DON'T CARE. he just gets in the way of time with my babies, and is too demanding and jealous.i love my babies. my babies. babies.

15. I'm from Australia, sydney. I sing opera, classical and musical theatre. I do karate and drive (apparently) way too fast...Clearly I'm making all this up. i never leave the house, and am horrifically obese. I'm the chick that put that pic up with the cat before actually. You probably guessed. Clearly that's not my photo.

16. I'm a relaxed, easy going gal. I enjoy having a good laugh with anyone, and I do mean ANYONE. I love people that I can just talk to about anything. I'm very open and can be caring, when I feel like it, joking. If you wanna talk, just message me. I AM DESPERATE.

17. heeey! here is a pic of me with my daughter! I know! I may as well stuff a rotting fish up my cunt and post that! kids = single biggest turn-off in history! do you want to come home with me and fuck, but get interrupted halfway through when my four year old walks in and needs his mummy? of course you don't!
i'm also a mormon!

18. im a very kind loving person looking for someone to hang out with i just wanna get out and have lots of fun which any girl would wanna do i love partying and hopefully i can meet some new people from here just to hang out with and party on. actually i'm very sensitive and have never been to a party. i don't have any friends, and i think i'm a lesbian. i really hate myself, and this is my last attempt at being normal before i lose it completely. i can't take this rejection any more, and i'm so tired of lonely nights crying at home. why don't boys like me? the crazy thing is one day when i lose this acne and all the extra weight, and learn to dress well, guys are gonna be falling over each other to get a piece of me, but i will be totally frozen and career-oriented by then. what a waste.

19. Hello! You're looking at my picture, and you were just about to go to the next profile when you realised that despite the fact I'm really fat, I look like a really genuine, nice, and beautiful person. And now you're conflicted and you hate yourself. Because, even though we both know you're not gonna click 'yes' and contact me, you know you're missing out on knowing one of the only people in this world who would accept you as you are, and would never judge you...just support and care about you. Oh well!

20. I am utterly gorgeous, and I know it. I like interior design, fashion, dancing, film, and travel. There is not one person on this site that I would ever reply to, and it is that fact that makes the other 13,000 people on here hate my guts. Life would be so much better if my profile wasn't on here, but it is, just to make you all feel dissed. You want me so bad. Creep.

21. The most important thing to know about me is that Christ is #1 in my life. I study theology and am interested in keepin healthy & fit! You've gone, haven't you? I'm all alone, saying this to myself...

22. Well, here I am WITH MY DOG! Thing is, you're not stupid, and you can tell from the look on his little face that he doesn't like me, heck, he barely knows me! Our only interaction is usually when i kick him out of the way. I'm not smiling, and I have way too much black eye makeup on. I'm a bitch. You know it, I know it. That's fine, you're a piece of shit anyway.

23. Hi my name is Luisa and i'm from melbourne vic. My bf and i thought this might be a good way to meet new people. Just click yes if you're interested.We hold parties at our apartment where you can watch us eat each others shit, or you can eat ours, or we can even eat yours. we're very serious about this. we also enjoy 'watersports', and sex with reptiles.

24. Wow! I'm so fucking cute it's a mystery of physics how i haven't just exploded! You know I can chat to anyone, and laugh, and the conversation never runs out. You know I don't mind splitting the bill, and I have my own car, and I'm so cool and genuine and awesome that you're shitting your pants with fear right now. Because you're on here to find and have as many worthless, meaningless, empty relationships and/or sexual encounters as you can, due to your inabilty to deal with the reality of your life. And here I am, totally the kind of girl you secretly dream about marrying, in your face and available, and you are too chicken to ever get in contact.

25. what up world??? i couldnt care less of what you thought but this is kinda funny me and ma girls just playin around lots of love Teesha xox actually, clearly i care, that's why i'm doing it. what i mean to say is, although i act brassy and like a don't care, the truth is i'm a lot smarter than the people i hang out with, and a lot more sensitive, though i have to hide it to get along. i really want to be loved.

26. I could type anything right now, and you wouldn't care. I could write that I eat my own snot every chance I get, and you'd think it was hot. I don't even need to write anything, my picture says it all. Words just get in the way anyway, right? Because right now you're totally preoccupied thinking "how does such a perfect looking girl post a pic on a dating site??!" There you go, pressing 'send', living that dream...

27. You hate me so much right now. I look like a supermodel, and I can't even be fucked looking at the camera, let alone smiling. And you hate me because we both know I don't need to smile, or even try, and the replies will come kickassing in like there's no tomorrow. Life's not fair, and you're ugly. Deal with it. Oh, and don't write to me.

28. Heelo! I know the rules about posing with cats, but this one's different, coz I look like I am sneaking up on it, and am about to give it the fright of its life, or maybe it looks like you just caught me sucking my cats cock, and he's died it felt so good, and now you're hoping you're next.

29. If I was anyone else, you'd be telling me to get out of the way.

30. We have nothing in common, but you'd still gladly catch herpes off me and die if it meant you could diddle me for one second. You would jeopardise your marriage and your relationship with your children for ever if I smeared just a little of this pink lipstick on your hard cock. You would endure hours of death metal in my bedroom for this. And you wouldn't even care that I'm a pre-operative transexual. You can suck MY dick baby. And you so would.

*As with all my posts, this all says a lot more about me than it does any of the poor innocent people who's photos I have used here...

Just to be clear, none of these personal ads actually exist, and none of the pictures I have taken from personal ads have any relevance to what I have written, except that I used them.

They're probably all lovely people...etc.etc...

This is knifey, from 'the internet', and the hospital.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Blog Post! Coming Through!

I got sent a very special message today, and I'd like to share it with all of you.

It goes a little something like this:

i am weak......
you are always my fantasy. i hate fucking these stupid indie kids, they are nothing compared to you. they do not turn me on. their hands like delicate birds upon my body, their thrusting too gentle ,too polite. in their eyes i see more kindness than hunger, for they are just boys.
i like men, men like you.

Now, I think this is great, and I wish more ex-lovers would send me this kind of thing.

I could start a sexual curriculum vitae, and hand it in to hot prospective bosses.

Or I could just print them out, and hand them out to people on the street, saying "Vote for me! Numero Uno in the bedroom!"

Also I'm hellaciously stoked, because no-one has ever called me a "man" before (to my face).

I was thinking about this today.

I was at a Thai restaurant, looking out the window, and adoring the cool breeze coming through the window, and blowing across my hands.

I love cool breezes, love them.

And I was listening to two people talking about me, way back where they thought I couldn't hear.

But I could.

Him: "Are you sure?"
Her: "Yeah! I'm positive! That's him!"
Him: "you're sure, you know that guy from High School?"
Her: "Yeah! That's definitely him!"

Me (to myself) "Oh crap....people are so fucked".

Anyway, I got to thinking about how I appeared from the outside, as opposed to how I feel inside.

Like, I've got a very young looking face, people say I look between 22 and 28, depending if I've shaved or not.

Inside, I realise, I feel like I'm 16.

I don't feel like a man at all, and I feel cheated that no-one warned me that this would happen.

Why weren't we informed we're not all going to meet someone and fall in love?
Or that we'd get a nice white picket fence and a dog?
Or that we'd NEVER, EVER GROW UP...EVER.

I asked my Mum, and she said she feels the same way. She's like, 55 or something. She feels 16, only, like a really smart, on it, ex model from the 70's kind of 16.

And I wondered if we all feel like this?

If the obviously middle-aged guy walking by feels like he's 16, and like he's upset that his life is mostly over, and he'll never get to join my band and rock all your moist white cotton panties off.

Like, he's thinking "Oh my God, I'm married, I have kids, and I have achieved none of the things I dreamed about when i was actually 16."

And do old people feel 16 too? Only, like "Sweet mother of God this hip joint is killing me! Wish i could still dance."

I'm ranting.


And that's what makes teenagers so utterly moronic.

They think they're so incredibly superior, and on-it, and in the know, when really they're exactly the same as the rest of us, only their brains haven't fully developed yet. They're still children, with little or no wisdom, higher judgement, or originalty.

They think they're so different to that middle-aged guy I mentioned before, but inside, they're totally alike.

Only, instead of worrying about zits, the older guy is worrying about the rising cost of prescription medicines, and how maybe he should make a trip to Canada to buy some fluoxetine cheap.

I don't know, what does it matter anyway?

I'm not exactly one to measure myself against others any more.

But I'm pretty sure if I make it to old old age, I'll still be cheeky and heart-on-my-sleeve, only even more calm and at peace with the world.

I have to be careful though, if I get too much more at peace, I'll be dead!

But a little more, would be nice.

I like the idea of pottering around in the back yard, making things both with tools and with my hands, fixing bikes for the local kids, and doing odd little paintings while listening to koto or zheng music...which is exactly what I do NOW.

Maybe I'll think of something new when I'm old old.

I know for a fact I'll still want to take much younger girls to bed and bone them relentlessly, until my pacemaker gives out.

I don't think that ever changes.

Lock up your granddaughters...

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Copyright Infringement.

I'm probably totally breaking the law, but who gives a shit?

Not you, right?

I just wanted to share with you my favourite magazine - MONSTER CHILDREN.

You shall have no other content from me tonight.

This is knifey, from 'the internet'.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Oh knifey! you're sooo SILLY !!!

Yeah, my new fridge is awesome, thanks for asking!

Well, today, I did something I haven't done in more than a decade- I practiced the guitar.

I mean, sure, I have band rehearsals and do sessions all the time, but this was all playing scales and improving sloppy picking techniques, as well as working out how to hold my plectrum harder, while fingering softer (which believe me, has even U.S. Marines Helicopter pilots stumped).

I needn't have bothered though, coz I'm still AWESOME.

I'm not so awesome in the memory department though- I've been stumbling around in a daze for about a week.

Did you spike my drink? And if so, why didn't you fuck me?!

Case in point-

I had a blowout on my bike, and was pushing it the 7 or so kilometres home, when a car pulls up and asks for directions to the hospital.

The hospital is right next door to my house, so I gave this guy directions, and as he's driving away, I thought "I really should have asked him for a lift."

Here's another-

I was in Fitzroy the other day looking for Gertrude Street. Some hot British backpackers (is that an oxymoron?) asked me to show them directions to the nearest Post Office.

So I did, and as I walked away, I realised I totally should have checked out where the fuck Gertrude Street is.

Who names a street 'Gertrude Street' anyway?

If it was 'Fonzie Street', I'd totally know where it was, even from space.

I had a full body wax today (not my head, silly), and my cock looks fucking enormous(er).

It's like a smooth white sea monster, exploring the depths of your cervix, riding waves of pleasure, and...welll...throwing up a lot.

Out of its eye.

That didn't go so well.

I'm sure you've heard by now, but the Doctor is dead.

Hunter S Thompson took his own life in the kitchen with a firearm.

I hope Johnny Depp comes back and plays him in his life story.

It's such a beautiful night here tonight. It's cool, and all the stars are out, and the sky is clear, and it's all just screaming out for junk food and a big furry blanket on the grass at The Botanical Gardens, and sex of course, and lying back stroking whatever body part is nearest and talking about the universe, and if Britney is indeed getting fatter.

Where are you? And why haven't we met?

I have to go write some guitar solos for Disgraceland now, so you can all go "Holy shit! Did he really just play that?!", then shower all alone, and slip into my pure white sheets and sleep with a big smile on my face, and my cat on my arm..


This is knifey, from 'the internet', and the guitar player hall of fame.

Monday, February 21, 2005


Yeah, Bowie knew it more than anybody I think.

I should be asleep, it's 5 in the morning, but as usual I'm marinating on all kinds of strange things.

I found a refrigerator 4 blocks from my house tonight, and wrestled it home. Heaven be praised, it works! It was even clean!

I don't know if you know what it's like to wrestle a freakin' fridge 4 blocks, but I feel pretty manly and hardcore right now.

Actually, I'm thinking how much can change in a year.

Around this time last year, I was:

  • Trying to deal with the breakup, and failing miserably.

  • Onstage with Anastacia, on live national TV.

  • Getting totally sledged on for it (for apparently selling out).

  • Paranoid about my body.

  • Running 2 hours a day, with an hour of cardio, and dropping pills like Courtney Love to try and look like I did when I was 23.

  • Failing.

  • I got stabbed in the street (and in the leg).

  • My dog ripped the attacker a new asshole.

  • My dog got run over, and died in my arms.

  • I lived someplace else.

  • Everything smelled different.

  • I was suicidal.

A lot of alarm bells are ringing inside, telling me not to talk about this, and I don't know why.

Wait, yes I do.

Of course I do.

I'm scared of admitting just how far I haven't come in a year.

I have friends who lead simpler lives, and they're great amazing people, and they tell me they'd die happy achieving just one of the things I have done this year.

So I should be grateful.

But the thing about being human, is you always want more.

Alright! NOW we're blogging!!!

The real truth is, I still miss that girl, even though she was the worst thing for me, and she has moved, a year ago.

The real truth is I think about her every day, and every person I come close to, I compare to her.

The real truth is, every time I see I have new email, even a year later, my heart still flutters and my stomach still churns, and I die a little more every time I see it's not her.

It's some dude who obviously has no idea who I am telling me I can have a bigger penis.

The real truth is, as much as I've calmed down a huge amount, and stopped being such a confrontational/violent/quick to get defensive moron, and as much as I have found what it is I want to do, and the peace that comes with that decision, and as much as I've finally decided I'm a fucking exceptionally cool guy, and if other people can't see it, it sure as Hell ain't my dilemna, I'm still not sure I'm coping at all, and I get scared when I rip the scab off, because I'm not entirely sure I'm not going to do something stupid.

Now, let's put that last statement into perspective.

I said it because it's true, and this is my blog, where i come to say true things and to try to make you laugh or think or just love me.

I didn't say it so my readership wopuld react to it in a panic, and think I'm going to "do something stupid" tonight, because:

1. Nothing has really changed, I've felt like this always, and
2. I've lost so many amazing friends to suicide, and I don't ever want to do that to you.

But then again, sometimes I feel greedy, and sometimes the grief and the hurt that has never gone away surfaces again, whether it's because I read a Douglas Coupland book that made me miss her, or a stupid Telecom ad that reminds me of her every time.

And when it surfaces, like a big spring, it's really hard to stuff it all back in.

I'm probably being pathetic.

Maybe we all feel that much pain, and the rest of you deal with it in a strong way.

I know some very strong people that I respect pop in here and read this once every now and then, and I'm ashamed to think they might be reading this now.

People like Lee and Shane, and Rachel.

I think they're a lot better at this life thing than I am.

Regardless though, I'm the one living this life, and...well...I can't be them.

And it fucks with my head something chronic, to wonder why I even giver her a thought?

We were bad together. bad and wrong.

She was taking advantage of me in the worst ways possible, and I was stupid enough to let her.

I NEVER let anyone get close like I did her, and I knew it was a bad idea, but still I did it.

I couldn't resist.

It was like the devil totally made me do it!

I was an absolute junkie for her attention and affection, I would jones for her if she was away for 10 minutes.

And coming from me, that's mindblowing, because normally I start climbing the walls if I have to spend 10 minutes WITH another person!

I'm the total definition of a lone wolf.

So I should be able to take control of my own mind, and say...

"OK, it's OVER. She's not only never coming back to you, but you don't want her to anyway. You guys had the opportunity to talk after you broke up, and made nice, so be happy that it ended so amicably, and get on with your life. And stop acting all rejected- you left her, and she said she wanted to stay together. You must have been miserable to say that, when you cared about her so much".

But I can't.

My brain keeps sending me dreams like the one where I hear a knock on my window, and I open it up, and there she is. And she's so happy to see me. And she tells me she broke up with ****, and moved home from Dubai, and just couldn't stay away another second.

That dream kicks ass.

It's about as factual as The Lord of the Rings, but it definitely kicks ass.

There really is no end to this saga, because, well, it never ends.

And even if she did come back, and broke up with ****, and all that, I still wouldn't take her back.

Because my brain knows just how fucking hurtful she can be.
How all-consumingly selfish and conceited she can be.
How infuriatingly inconsiderate she can be.
And how many times she ripped my heart out, right in front of my face, just to make herself feel better about the way she had been treated, by the guy of her dreams.

Where's a hypnotherapist when you need one?

Do you know the worst thing though?

The worst thing is that even though I am creative by nature, and I feel incomplete if I haven't achieved something artistic every day, I would have to admit the main reason I am doing anything I have been doing in the last year, is in the vain, reckless, misguided, stupid, ill-advised, and worthless hope that it will bring me back into her focus, and she will want me back.

How's that for pathetic?

This is knifey, from 'the internet', and 'The Bold and the Beautiful'.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

The Alps...

Not sure if any of you know this, but for the last 6 months or so, I've been working on an Ambient/Drum'n'Bass/Electro project with my hot friend Toby.

We are called The Alps.

I know not all of you are into rock and guitars and sex with hot women in a tour bus, so if you have more of a proclivity towards leaning back in your favourite chair, closing your eyes and letting the music take over, OR, wiggling and dancing...then have a listen to us here.

If you have a myspace account, be sure to add us too, OK?

So far we have just been working on the musical side of things, and have yet to recruit a female vocalist to add some jazz angles to it, but I think it should sound good for both your ears and your body when it's all done.

Hope you like it!

This is knifey, from 'the internet'.

Random Observations from Knifey Street.

I know I normally crap on about sex, drugs, more sex, and some rock and roll if there's time, but I'm not in that kind of mood today, and seeing as I keep kidding myself I maintain this blog for me and not for you, I'm gonna talk about what I'm really thinking about tonight, so strap yourselves in for a ramble.

I have this amazing Aunt, called Donnie.
When I was a little kid, she was a hot teenager (no, I'm not going there- some things are sacred), and she'd babysit me.

I adored her.

Now, she's all growed up and married, and has her own kids.

My family has a very dark past, which for once I don't really want to go into.
I don't want to, and to be honest, I can't, because no-one will say anything any more.

There is a wall of silence in the Vanderwerff family that is impenetrable, even if you're part of it.

This stretches to the extent that even things that I vaguely remember from my own childhood are out of bounds.

Things like being locked up and raised with all the juvenille offenders, being psychologically and physically tortured by my mentally unhinged step father, not seeing my Mother for years...that sort of thing.

I'm not divulging this to score sympathy points, because I'm totally over it all, and don't let any of it dictate who I want to be (apart from the residual insecurity of it all, but that's only partially in my hands...)

I'm just saying it because it's weird, and because today, I got to talk to my cool Aunt Donnie, and she said she was going through the same thing.

Her Mother (my Oma) committed suicide when i was young, and for the both of us, there is no information or background available, even from her sisters (my Mother and Aunts), and her Father (my Opa).

Wall of silence.

Don't get me wrong, we're talking about good people here.

All of my Aunts and my Mother, and their parents also, were amazing and respectable people. It's just me and my cousins who turned out bad (if you live here, and used to watch Australia's most wanted, you'll already know my cousins- they were on it most of the time).

But it was the best feeling to just open up and REMEMBER with Donnie.

To talk about the things that we knew.

Like, it wasn't just a dream after all, albeit a gory and traumatic one.

And to feel like you're not the only one frustrated by the reality of having a family that won't let you know them.

I don't 'do' family, and they don't really like that much.

They have get-togethers and celebrations, and even some of the kids have had kids (even though I'm by far the oldest).

I just tell them "look, you're nice people, but I don't know you".

I don't feel like I have a family at all.

And that's cool, I'm ok with all that. But it was great to share experience with my Aunt. She's family to me, her and her 3 sisters, and that's about it.

She said the most beautiful and inspirational things to me today, and by far the most was this-

"There is beauty everywhere in this world, and in the hearts of people".

Maybe that sounds like a regurgitated hippie platitude to you, but to me it found a place in me, and it stayed there, like I had been waiting all my life to hear it.

And I realised it's the only reason i haven't given up and followed my Oma into death.

Because while I'm here, I want to find, share, experience, enjoy, encourage, and repair, the beauty in the hearts of people.

And I'm so lucky, because through this blog, I have come into contact with amazing wisdom, genuine concern, selfless hospitality, inspirational thoughts, you name it.

Granted, I know you all even less than I know my family, and you may not be as nice to everyone in your life.

Maybe you have secrets, or have done terrible things. Maybe you have done terrible things today.

I don't give it thought, because I know I have come from a background of being a heartless, violent thug in the past, and I know that with enough encouragement and support, even a heart like mine can shine and be real, can radiate positivity, and learn new ways of being, that don't involve hatred or violence, or fear.

So as much as I like to joke around, and try to be clever with words, and show you pictures of boobies, I love the fact that we can all gather here and be better people.

And I hope that we can take that positive outlook, and that character, and that honour, and go out into the world and spread it around.

We strengthen each other, and I hope we can take that strength and use it where it's needed.

And i think we can.

I know I'm trying.

I have beauty in my heart, and as frail and imperfect as I am, I know this beauty exists, because once there was none, and i see everything differently now because it is there.

We have never met, and we may never, but I want to share it with you, and that's why I do this.

And i guess the reason y'all keep coming back (now, ya hear?), is because you want me to keep it coming.

And now, here are some pictures of things I have seen this week, that I love love love...

The leaves are turning yellow. I had no idea watching something dying could be so beautiful.

This car is mine, and it doesn't even know it yet!

The most beautiful woman alive. I think she's aware of this.

I love being in magazines, because it saves me the money and the effort of going out and getting things printed myself.

That car again...ohh la la!

I'm off to see 'The Gear' at the Rob Roy now, have a fun time without me!

3:27 am:

I can't go to bed and not tell you this!

I went to the Rob Roy to see the gear (for the first time). I absolutely adore watching Brett Wolfenden play the drums, and I also adore it when he comes up afterwards, this bona-fide rock star, and asks me if I thought it was ok.

What a nice guy!

Anyway, my friend Greg had arranged to meet me there.

I got in at about 10.30, give or take, and Greg swayed in at about 10.40.

I say 'sway', because Greg was wearing a dress.

I was furious.

I have a lovely dress at home, and if I knew it was crossdressing night I could have pulled out all the stops and looked AMAZING, but oh no, Greg had to pull it out of nowhere and surprise me.

He looked good actually, I'd do him.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, there was a blonde girl there who was cute in an "i work in an office" way, you know, she's cute coz Kitten or YGWIN aren't in the room, and she's trying to kiss all the girls.

She's so drunk, she keeps making the "Oh my God, I'm gonna puke" face, followed quickly by the "Oh no, it's cool, I ate it" face.


She was also giving every guy that looked at her the evils something wicked (except me- she tried, then got scared and ran away).

I'm so tuff I frighten drunk office wenches in bars, yeah!

Anyway, Greg walks in, and I verbally lambast him for showing me up, but he gives as good as he gets, and reminds me I always had the option of reading his mind, and that it's not his fault I don't have E.S.P. (which i secretly do).

He also pointed out I had plenty of time to hire a team of Private Investigators to go through his trash and find out about this plan weeks ago, so I guess I only have myself to blame.

Thus chastened, I go to the toilet (no photos this time, sorry).

As I get older, I find it increasingly hard to crap.

I have to rock back and forth, or sit on one cheek, and even then there's no promises.

I had been in there all of 5 minutes, when I heard the door open, and a female voice saying "in here!".

The stall door next to me closed, and I could hear slurping noises, and lots of feminine "ooh!"ing and "aah!"ing.

They continued kissing for a minute, then GREG SAID "I'm not like the other girls".

I tell you, I almost crapped then, but I didn't want to give myself away.

As quietly as I could, I stood on the toilet and looked into the next stall, and there was Greg and the office girl!!!

In a dress!!!!

Office girl said "What do you mean?", and Greg pulled out his mangina.

Greg has a big cock, so I could see it clearly from where I was, but office girl looked confused, as if she wasn't sure it actually existed.

"Hey!'re not meant"

"I'm special" said Greg-in-a-dress.

He sure is.

I'm not going to tell you what happened next, because I'm not a they had sex.


I didn't stick around though, I wanted to see the band more than ropes of Gregs seed decorating the stall, besides, he might have accidentally (on purpose) shot some in my eye.

He's a crack shot with an erection, and I didn't want to fall victim to his perverse sense of humour (again) (don't ask!).

For those that care, The Gear were cool, and British India were cool also.

I was extremely cool, as evidenced by all the hot girls in attendance who didn't either talk to me or give me their phone numbers (because I'm so cool and they're so in awe of me and shy'n'that).

I rode to work after that, now I'm home, and as much as I love 3OM, I'm bitterly dissapointed to see she is my only reply!

What happened to the good old days when certain people would comment on every pic as I tried to upload it, before I had a chance to cut and paste them into a blog story?!

What's with you people all having lives without waiting on my every word?!

Just kidding- I hope all my readers are having the most asskickingest weekend ever, and that much good times are being mercilessly enjoyed all across the world tonight.

Addendum: is an important sounding word I use when P.S. would do just fine.
Also, apologies to Bou and 3Om who left me comments, i deleted them accidentally, as I had to do the whole post again in a new page, as the internal Blogger formatting on the last one was crapping itself.

Don't you hate it when it does that? Like, as if it's my fault the HTML tag isn't closed! You did it Blogger, so YOU FIX IT!

This is knifey, from 'the internet'.